Renovations on Life

It’s been way too long since I have been here to write. Sometimes I just don’t have much to say, sometimes I feel like it is just repetitive, and when that’s the case I just don’t want to say it again. I’ve never been one to not share and encourage others to seek therapy. I am in it and trying hard to heal some things that I have tried to heal for many years. Sometimes you need to find someone different, don’t be afraid to do that. In this situation it’s about you and your journey, find what works for you. Sometimes you need to be challenged to change, grow, or fix yourself.

The past few sessions for me have been eye-opening, shocking, and healing. Lots of tears, fears, and all kinds of feelings. Some interesting words came up in the last visit. “It hurts for nothing.” The words hurt so bad coming out of my mouth that I couldn’t remember them for a moment. The things that I was bringing up were from moments when it did hurt, but it didn’t need to. So, it did hurt for nothing. Sometimes it feels like I dumped everything out on the floor. Sometimes I feel like when I do that I might be losing part of myself. Sometimes I sit in the car and take some deep breaths before pulling away because I feel so wiped out mentally.

How did I feel the day after this? Or for that matter a few days after this? Tuesday there was a period of the day when my skin was buzzing. My ears were ringing louder for a few days. Then by Wednesday evening, I was just as flat as Stanley…you know Flat Stanley from the kid’s books…I was depleted. I was good by Friday but I thought I might be getting sick. Sure enough Saturday night I was questioning it more and Sunday woke with a raging sore throat. Got a bad case of strep per a test on Sunday. So, I didn’t think of it until now, but I wonder if this was my body’s way of 2 things, slowing me down, and kind of purging out the bad? Yeah I know germs are germs and I tend to think in a very abstract way, but was I so depleted that the germs were like…hey we got a chance with this one…Sunday I went to the doctor for a battery of tests and then never moved from the couch for the rest of the day. Monday I stayed home from work to rest and do laundry I didn’t do on Sunday. Today I ran too much after work. And now here we are writing this.

As I came downstairs from showering tonight I had a wild realization that literally stopped me on the stairs. My husband is out of town, my daughter went to sleep at her boyfriend’s as usual, and my son was away at college. It was me and the dogs. It felt a little lonely, a little empty and a little well, just sad. I miss my son so much. I spent some time with him Friday, we had lunch and unpacked the groceries I brought him. Didn’t mention the elephant in the room because I didn’t have enough time to dig deep into that. I just wanted a nice peaceful visit. I wanted him to know he had my attention, that I was listening, that I heard him. He looked even different from when he was home last at Christmas time. Time is so fleeting. Everyone warned me when they were little, ” it will go so fast”. I found it annoying, until my son came along and then I saw it. It was flying. I feel like he grew up in an instant. I feel like I missed it sometimes. No one is perfect, and time moves whether we like it or not, but moments like coming down the stairs and realizing I was the only one home, are the quiet, kind of deafening moments that remind you maybe you did miss things. Maybe I am afraid of losing him too. Definitely have that floating in my back pocket. Just that one day he will grow up and just go, spread his wings like an eagle and never look back. As I sit hear crying, feeling all the feels, I wonder also if it’s perimenopause.

My friend and I have this on going joke that Peri, like a man’s name right, comes when you don’t want him around. He makes a mess of everything, makes our bodies do weird things, makes us cry, makes us angry at nothing, makes us want to eat everything, makes us gain weight, and kills our metabolism. We haven’t found anything good about Peri visiting us, he’s a royal pain. I am however grateful I am 50. I am reasonably healthy and 50 is fine. I like where I am in life, albeit frustrating some days, I like where I am. I wouldn’t want to go back, and I don’t want to wish anything away. We only get one chance that we know of…

I always like to end with good or positive feelings…my hope is for others that it doesn’t hurt at all, but we can all heal from what has hurt us or broken us. Find the light, find the love, and let the wind blow your hair and the sun warm your skin, our time is short on earth soak it all in.

It seems like just yesterday that I was walking out of work on my last day making promises to myself I would make this a summer to remember. Hard to do when you have a lot of schoolwork and your son is getting ready to leave for college. July brought vacation which was decent. All the family went so that was nice to be together. Then we had more wildfire smoke and tropical temps it was too much to go outside. August snuck up on me. We had some family get together and those were pretty good, awkward but nice to see some people I don’t normally see. I got some answers on my health that were unnerving but it seems fixable, but that means I am also waiting to hear from another specialist too. I picked up crocheting again. I found a nice baby blanket pattern for our old neighbor who’s pregnant. I also started a project for a friend who was super supportive during my schooling. This month I started watching HGTV again. I haven’t watched this channel in YEARS. I am struggling though. I miss my son. He was my baby and he is two hours away learning to become the person he is meant to be. I am so proud of him, I hope he loves it. It is literally time to come back to myself. It’s time to find me again. Why is it so hard to focus on ourselves my women tribe? Is it a mom thing? I see other moms not minding to take their time and do their thing. Is it a lack of self-respect? Lack of self-love? I am supposed to do a detox/elimination diet, which is throwing me for a loop. I decided to write it all out a whole six-week plan. I have a week to gather it all together. I need to remember the last post— Everything is temporary. All the parts matter. This week I practiced bravery. I called my Aunt who is in town from Florida to have lunch with her to discuss my father because I am worried about him. I have been very hesitant about putting family in this blog because I feel like it taints my life and this is a space for me and my sanity, I do not want to pull too much of family into this space but this is a serious time. We are having lunch Sunday. I will see my Dad on Saturday, we are going to a car show. So I may or may not have a story next week, but either way, I am done with my schooling so I should be able to spend more time here. Be strong, be the light, be kind, and mostly to yourself.

Wow, I read my last post and so much has happened since then. I am actually sad and sorry I haven’t been here in so long. I do love to come and write. Next month I will be a college graduate. I am simply elated, out of my skin with excitement. I have worked so hard over the past few years managing a 4.0 while working full-time and also having some very challenging health issues. I am nothing but proud. Here I am, almost done with school. What will I do? I am going to take a break. I will have the last two weeks of August to focus on myself finally. I can sit back and relax, go walk in a forest and be close to nature, go on a fishing charter with my husband. Drop my youngest off at college, I am sure I will be back to write about how much I miss him and his antics. I can spend time with my family now and not feel rushed to get back to school work. I can take some Epsom salt baths. I can work on my cello again! My possibilities are infinite. Over the past few months, I managed to reset my nervous system, found a new therapist who is absolutely wonderful, started to heal my body and change my way of thinking. It very well may be the viel of going to school being lifted but whatever it is I cannot show enough gratitude. My therapist is on vacation for two weeks, she recommends we keep our appointment time with ourselves. So here I am with me and you. I am reflecting on my last visit and the eye-opening and soul-opening experience it was. At one point I said, you are going to make me cry, she said, that’s ok, sometimes we just have to. That is so something I would say and I knew that’s what she was going to say, but I just didn’t want to. Did you ever think your tears were something in the form of cleansing? They are. It’s just another form of energy readjusting itself. When I ended my session with her she said something that resonated with me. It was something I have heard many times and even said to others myself. “Everything is temporary”. I sat there on the floor looking all confused. Why didn’t this lightbulb go off in my head, how did I not remind myself of this? It didn’t matter, I quickly jotted it down on my notes app on my phone. I went on after the appointment to pick up some yarn for a blanket I am making. OMG, yes you read that right, I am creating something. Shocker I know, but it is small, and it feels so good to do it. When I was heading to the checkout I had to walk by a display of books. Books always make me look at them. I love to read. There was Joanna Gaines on the cover with a giant smile. Honestly, I was like oh it’s her, she’s everywhere, how is she so happy all the time, etc…As I stepped closer to read the print on the cover I couldn’t see from where I was standing and it was like it slapped me in the face. Her smile was gleaming as if to say I got you. There was the title of the book and then under it in finer print, it said, “Every piece of your story matters”. I stood there in shock almost. I walked away but instantly got drawn back to read the line again. I cried in the store and had to walk away, no one would be in the fall isles, I headed that way. Those two things were what I needed to see and hear at that time. I need to get back to my roots of gratitude daily. It makes such a huge difference. I need to feed my soul again. Being done with school is amazing, I did something for myself and my future, but now I can get back to myself. I have really missed myself and I had little moments of time when I knew that but I didn’t know how much I missed. We all have the opportunities to start over each day, new beginnings. We can change our own trajectories, and manipulate our futures by responding now. This appointment with myself has been brought to you by self-care, emotional intelligence, and the desire to always want to be better. (In a healthy way.) My time has come to sign off and go do laundry and pick up the mess I left of dishes this morning. I have time now to come here, time to write, time to think. I will come to visit and leave myself on the page in vulnerable type so that I may bring change to myself as well as whoever reads this. Remember- Everything is temporary, and every piece of your story matters.

Oh where do I start this one…I read something this week that we do not sabotage ourselves, when we think we are doing that it is actually our body protecting us. We aren’t sabotaging anything. Except I feel like have been sabotaging myself for a little bit. I am making poor choices with food and I know it. Then I feel good then I feel bad. It’s truly annoying. I dislike how my body has become jelly like again. I don’t like how I feel. I also cannot wrap my head around doing the way of eating I did before with protein and salads and exercise and intermittent fasting. What is wrong that I cannot? Maybe my brain is broken. Today in a book I read tiny rituals. That resonated with me. The physical therapist suggested I schedule daily time to do my tinnitus exercises. I decided in my head I needed to do it when I sit down at my desk at work first thing in the morning. Write a sticky note about other times I am going to do it and actually do it. This will become a tiny ritual. Next week a tiny ritual regarding eating will begin. Very small breakfast, veggie lunch, protein dinners. Some fasting in there but not everyday to begin with. I need to get back to myself. It’s been hard as of late because I am finishing up school, in one of my last three classes now. I should be done at the end of August. I will be doubling up over May-June so that should make things interesting. I need to be true to myself and keep the rituals. I need to fit some form of exercise in here somewhere. I need to be true to myself and I am writing this here because I will be back to read it and be accountable. Tiny rituals will add up. Start somewhere. Start today. Keep it going tomorrow.

Really fill in the blank, like your brain isn’t working, like no one cares, like you are losing your mind, like you are the only one going through this…yep fill in the blank. Today was just a day. Not bad but just meh. So I figured I’d come here and avoid things like cleaning the fish tank which has been acting more like a humidifier lately…I have been adding water frequently. No, no no, its not leaking. It’s dry in here. Which is a good thing because I got my mold test results back and apparently I have mold. So I have to test the house, or not. But whatever…I have to get it out of me. Can I also get the perimenopause out of me as well because between the hormones, the brain fog, the baby lupus stuff I have seriously just reached my max somedays. Today I put on a pair of jeans- nope, took them right off. What the hell happened to my body! Bring it back…Today CNN released an article about erythritol. It can cause heart issues. It was a small study but conclusive and enough to make me mad and sad and frustrated. This was my go to for coffee or treats to bake with since I was diagnosed with diabetes. I changed my A1C got it all back down reversed the diagnosis and now this. Soon I will have to start the auto immune protocol diet, this is no processed foods, no dairy, no sugar, no wheat, basically air right? Living foods only. Can I hire someone to get me through this? A chef, a trainer, a motivator. Throw me a bone. I am not complaining I am frustrated. I know it might sound like it’s complaining…So the fish tank is annoying me because it’s right next to me. I just had a nice conversation with my daughter on the phone though. Oi, the day man…it was also the first day back to work after having the week off…so yeah. I’ll be back tomorrow with a better post. Find your zen folks.

One of my favorite sayings it the title. I am working on something. Something that scares me, something that gives me anxiety. Yet in the same breath I am so excited for it and so passionate about. I have to have it done by March first. I am making a presentation to the principal at the school I work in to create something. This is so different and it doesn’t exist anywhere in any of our schools or even in this area in other schools. I have researched it and it does exist in other schools in other states. I am a very quiet keep to myself kind of person, but I still want to help people. I want to teach people that they do not have to go through life feeling stress or burned out and drowning in anxiety. So today I had sometime I was going to sit and work on my google slide presentation and add some music to it. I began listening to the music and giving it life within the slides, trying to figure out which song would work best. Which notes felt like the slides, which notes would make the listener feel positive feelings about what I was presenting. First I listened to Agnes Obel and thought maybe her September song would be good. My ears filled with notes and tones and sometimes the piano just seems to massage my ear drums. Then I went to Chad Lawson who’s music I simply adore. Mental health is important to him so I feel a connection there. I scrolled through the slides listening to the hammers strike the cords into beautiful melodies. For a second I thought what am I doing? Why do I want to present this? I let doubt creep in and questioned my ability. Which led me here. I come to sort my thoughts and get back on track sometimes. Today I feel very raw and open. I am not sure where its coming from or why. I feel vulnerable to feeling. Tears well up for no reason. I try to choke them back. Sometimes I just look around my home and I am so grateful for what I have and what surrounds me I cry. I suppose it could all be hormones too, hahahha. Ya never know. I originally wanted to do this presentation in February. I ended up picking the date 3/1/23. I can only hope that is a lucky day for me. I have never gone out on a limb like this before but sitting here thinking about it I get the waves of anxiety in my belly. My hyper competitiveness always gets the better of me. The worst they can say is no, and then I still have my job. But in the fall of 2023 I will be getting my BA in psychology. I will then pursue my master’s to become a LMHC. I want more for myself than paper pushing and answering the phone. However that also scares me too. But I haven’t gotten to the root of why. I suppose it’s change, but it seems to be change I would like and I am aiming for. So I go to iTunes and think Hilary Stagg. His music is amazing and his story is tragic. Died to young, we needed to hear more of his music. I might go with that. This presentation is create a Zen Den within our high school. I want to create it an run it. A place for students and staff to be able to hit a reset button during the day. A place to learn about tools to keep with them in times of stress or anxiety that they can go back and reference. Tools the teachers could share with their students if they seem them struggling. A place for student to come for 10 minuets to regroup so they can make it through the day instead of going home. I place of calm, quiet and respite. Why do we let self doubt creep in? Let’s try to do better together with this…I need to have more practice. I know my ideas for this space would blow it out of the park and I know I could do it and make it amazing. Yet somehow there is a little voice, or a big voice, depending on the day that suggests otherwise. These are the days when I wish I lived near the ocean to clear my head. So, I listen to the waves, I put my feet in the sand in my mind. I feel the ocean air on my face and I smell the saltiness all around me.

Trying is such an odd word isn’t it? I mean there is trying, like you tried to learn to knit. Then there is trying like you tried to get a 100 on your midterm. Or there is trying like today has been trying. Actually today hasn’t been trying, it didn’t try hard at all, in fact it failed at trying. You know what I mean, trying as in taxing or annoying…I am always digressing…work was swamped. When I say swamped I went through an entire pad of passes sending people home sick. It settle down around 1230 but damn. I left early for a doctor appointment, it was supposed to be in person but got switched to a phone call. Kind of an important visit, my second rheumatologist visit with a possible diagnosis of Lupus. I can go with the flow though, so ok the phone it is. He called 20 minutes late, ok. He apologized for it not being in the office. The phone call went on and it was clear he was flustered and not connected and was short a few times with my questions. Not the same person I saw in the office. Granted when I saw him in the office it ended up being an around an hour after my appointment time. He mentioned having a family emergency so he couldn’t be in the office. I would have preferred to reschedule with how the call went. It was frustrating and completely draining. My point is, I am here writing because it drained me. I was sitting here trying to work on my papers for a class and kept shaking my head. This is the best time for me to get some writing done for school but I am a little fried. Sigh… deeep breaths. I think I am going to feed the dogs and go to Marshall’s s and look for a new notebook. I have senioritis with school…4.5 classes left and I want done. But I think I mentioned that in the last post. Don’t be surprised it it keeps popping up…Anyways. sometimes things are just trying and you need to regroup. How do you regroup? Walk away, take a walk, change the scenery. Take some deep breaths and move on by finding things that change your mindset and bring joy or a smile. Tomorrow is a new day folks…seize it.

Here we are. 2023. This is an interesting year. When you are kid you look at the year of your birth and it’s a number. You maybe think about the numbers when you would be an adult and they seem so far away or even unbelievable. So, yeah, 2023 is weird. I will be 50 this year. Also weird. I was told I need a knee replacement. Yikes. It’s not happening anytime soon. Getting to the title of this post. I had a mortar and pestle I kept from the shop. We used it a lot for grinding spices. It’s nothing fancy plain white. I was making meatballs that call for ground fennel but that didn’t seem to exist in the spice isles I was in. I ground my own. No biggie. It’s therapeutic in a way The meatballs were great. In fact I made them two weekends in a row. But the tool got me thinking about life. Sometimes we just need to grind it out right? Push and trudge to get to where we want to be. I just thought life is interesting and how we deal with it. I am in a new class for my bachelors that I love, but I have senioritis. I only have four classes after this one and I want to be done soooo bad. Then I am hoping for a small break before I begin the masters program.

My physical therapy for the nervous system is amazing. Yesterday I went, I was feeling horrible. I had been sick for a few days, sometimes my stomach just gets off, it’s always been that way. It was upset for about three days. By the time I got to PT I was tired and felt terrible because it’s the end of the day. Sometimes we do rigors work and other times we focus on slow breathing and touching certain spots on my arms and legs. This was a quiet reset day. My stomach was in nots and upset and just a mess. It was like fireworks in my gut before I got on the table. As the session progressed I began to feel less of all of that. By the time we were ending and she said sit up slowly and take some deep breaths, how do you feel? I sat up and was in awe because right at the end before I sat up all that feeling in my stomach seemed to move to the center and it felt like it turned hard so to speak. As if I could just scoff it off my belly before I sat up. While sitting up it had gone. I took care to step to my coat and pay close attention to my body and how it felt. It felt light and airy in a good way finally….I felt like it was lifted. I went home and had pizza. I felt fine. Our bodies are amazing, we just need to be aware listen and give it what it asks for. ( I suppose the pizza was for me and not my body.) I digress.

Today the sky was full of magnificent morning colors. ( I had to put the date in the title because I got all behind…) So they sky… omg the colors were amazing and all my photo people on facebook were posting the same sky even though they lived in a different city or state it was still the same colors and was so beautiful. We have to stop on the sidewalks and take these pictured either with our minds or the cameras. It’s imperative we begin to stop and appreciate what is around us. It will bring peace and clarity to your life. Please give it a try.

This morning I got out of my car, and as I always do I looked at the sky. This is a practice I have done for a few years now. It’s a form of a mini meditation. I like to see the ripples in the clouds or the spaces of blue and the light just peering up over the horizon. The sky this morning was unbelievably beautiful and menacing. We have a storm coming and at work we are all hoping for a snow day…Please universe hear our calls. Hahaha…so…I haven’t been here in a while. I’ve been working on my physical self for awhile. Being sick this past year has taken a toll. I finally saw a rheumatologist and he thinks I have Lupus so we are working with that. I also found a physical therapist that deals with resetting the nervous system. She is absolutely wonderful and is working miracles. It’s a lot of breath work and some other functional activities. My whole point in coming here to write today is to say that life is fleeting. We need to have grace for others, find joy in our days, and move. Movement is important as well as being in nature. So, if you do anything move for five minutes and take a look at the sky when you are out and about. If you begin these little changes and keep them up you will see amazing changes in your attitude. Be well.

Yep, just like on Netflix, click that button and skip the intro. My last post was pathetic. I needed to get it out though. You absolutely cannot hold your feelings in ever but be constructive in how you let them exit you! So, in skipping the intro…I am feeling a bit better but the doctor put me on prednisone again. I hate that drug and understand its necessary but it causes havoc. Like yesterday I ran out of my hot tea I usually have so I reached for one with caffeine, what a mistake. Down the predi with the tea with caffeine and bounce off the walls for hours. ZERO concentration but could play tennis and beat Serena Williams. I thought I might explode. Pile on some peri-menopause pms with all this and I am just a big fluffy ball of sunshine. Deep breath, let the lady type not the meds…So I am (hesitant not to jynx it) feeling a bit better. My body aches are less, my level of tiredness is less but I do feel it when I do too much. My gut is being kind to me. My feet still are not right but they don’t HURT like they did. They still look odd and the range of motion is not right but the pain I was having was everyday all day and night. I am waiting for some rechecks on blood work and then trying to decide which direction to take this in. Should I see a rheumatologist? I am not sure. All my autoimmune tests keep coming back negative. I shrug my shoulders a lot. I shake my head a lot. I take a lot of deep breaths. We are winding down the summer here and that means one thing…

Back to work. I have some tools and some ideas in how to handle things in hope to keep the stress level down. I got a new chair finally after two years…That will help. I will have a make believe hatch/portal thing under my desk I can open and slide down to get out of the office and land right on my favorite beach on cape cod which a local web cam will be loaded on one page of my browser at all times to view the tide and “remove” myself. How’s that! I actually can’t wait to visualize it. I might even get an actual floor sticker too…lol. School work for myself is going well. I got an A in my latest class, which I feel like I could’ve gotten a bit more out of the class but it’s hard when it’s all online. I am pretty sure I have a week off in between classes next week so that is a sweet break. My job this summer was to refill my tank and take it easy. It’s been really hot and I dislike heat and humidity. But I did manage to do a bit of my school work out back on our patio. I hung out with the dogs and some old friends. Made it to the beach to recharge, went to some great concerts, and ate some great food. I need to clean the basement…it’s terrible to me down there. I am considering attacking it next week. I just need a game plan and when I look at it I can’t find a game plan…haha. So that is my job over the next few days, find a game plan…that and figure out which haircut I want. I always want a change and then I just get the same fucking thing every time. This is where I encourage you to all take a small risk, get a different haircut, it’s hair and it wil grow back. Let’s jump together. I bid you peace, love and light.