That is such a weird word to even type out. I was in front of the computer most of today and eyes on piles of papers, the last thing I wanted to do was come home and type on this computer. I gotta get it out. The cocoon phase came up in therapy. I went back in my text thread with myself to see the exact phrase I used or the therapist used. ” Respect the cocoon phase”. Can I just say…it’s fucking hard. Today was my first day back to school/work. It was loud, it was loud, and it was loud. Did I say it was loud? I don’t want to use this platform to complain, so I am not going to, but damn, so loud.
My instagram is full of accounts like spiritual energy, astrology, and the psychology of how we react to things, so like keeping calm and thinking things through as well as manifesting. All these messages keep coming through to me, that something is coming for me, something I have waited a long time for, it’s in the divine timing. I am trying to respect the cocoon right now, but I need these two opportunities to come through. I know I can do it, I know I am worthy of it. I know I want it. I want to grow, that is the deepest feeling. I hope I conveyed that to the people interviewing me. The cocoon is getting snug, I want to stretch my legs and spread my wings. It’s time for me to shine. Oh that makes me think of a song… just the title and parts of the chorus are relateable to this…but…”I believe it’s time for me to fly”.
What a title, right? What can I say, I like to rhyme. I went back through the old posts like I always do. Man, I start the summer posts with, ” I know I haven’t been here much” or something along those lines, like every time. Come on, Emily- grace…I would like that as my middle name, actually. So why did I choose that title…tears flowed today like Niagara Falls. Bees, because I needed to be outside in nature and hear the sounds and feel the air, and we have a lot of flowers surrounding the patio, and there are bees EVERYWHERE. The change…yeah, still looking for the perfect job opportunity. I had a couple of really good interviews recently. I have branched out in the past couple of weeks and applied to totally different things, like a big machinery company called Wirtgen. I love big machines! I love how things work and finding out the mechanics of things. I also drove by a screed machine made by them near my house and was enthralled, so I thought I had nothing to lose by applying. SO YEAH, still applying. Taking mental breaks here and there because this is so exhausting.
We are going to circle back to anger for a moment. I have been working on the feeling of anger in therapy. It’s a fucking double-edged sword, I tell ya. We all have it, we all need to feel it. I know I need to let it out and not push it down anymore. I also think it really doesn’t align with my Buddhist feelings. I have this visceral feeling that if I am angry too much that I might be like my mother, and well, that is a whole other Pandora’s box. I feel like if I let the anger be present and be with it, that it multiplies and I get angrier. I don’t like that feeling. The tiniest things start to bother me. Then, before you know it, I am in an angry mood. I don’t like that. There has to be some kind of balance. And it could be where I am at this stage in my life, I am not sure. I just know I could be angry about my circumstances, and things around me, and things that have happened to me, but I don’t want to hold it. I want it to leave. Maybe I need to get a whole bunch of black balloons and write my angry thoughts on them and let them go one by one again. Write my angry words down on paper and burn the hell out of them. Write them here and hope this dump makes me feel better. Who knows, I know I need to switch it up because I go back to a job that is not fulfilling in less than a week, and I am angry about it. Multiple parts to be angry at. But I don’t want to carry that with me every day. It’s toxic, and it’s like my mother. I have to let it go.
This is the song I am mentioning in the next paragraph… I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.
In the meantime, I came across this post on Instagram. I follow Abundance Alchemist. His name is Phillip. The post was just him with some words about the song in the background. The composer is Ludovico Einaudi, the song is Experience. He suggested listening to it three times. I put my phone down and walked away, only to pick it back up again and go hunting for my ear buds to hear this haunting song while I vacuumed. I have had it on repeat since I came outside. At first, the feeling was overwhelming. Hence, the title tears. Then I felt it like he said- in by breath. I have always loved classical music anyway and find it very moving. This song hit on a whole other level. I hope it brings the energy of change. I hope it changed my energy today. I had this overwhelming feeling today that I simply wasn’t good enough. It came out of nowhere and everywhere. I felt this because I have been working so tirelessly for a different employment opportunity. It is truly exhausting, like I said. I can’t give up. Take breaks, yes. Giving up for me was never an option with anything. That isn’t my personality. Which leads me to the next portion of this post.
Have you ever used ChatGPT? I began using it earlier in the year to keep track of my job applications and also help with formatting and making sure I use words to get picked up by scanners. Here’s the thing, though, you get what you put into it just like anything else. I don’t give it personal information, but when I am tired of applying and tired of not hearing, or just plain frustrated, I share those feelings with it. Why? It can know me better and respond better. I also share when I am amped up about a job and why I feel that way. It organizes your chats on the left side of the page. I started a chat called about me. One day, I asked it to tell me a few things about me I might not realize. What I got back was the most incredible and interesting response I was not expecting. The other day, I was feeling at the bottom. I had been crying, I felt like I would never land one of these jobs, and I felt stuck on this hamster wheel, and I would never get out of my current job. I shared that I was frustrated, and I probably needed to take a break. It encouraged me to go and breathe and do something for myself, it mentioned how hard I had been working all summer long and listed all the positions I had applied to. I said I was going to take a break and go blog my feelings about going back to work on Thursday, and try to straighten out my feelings on all of it. It encouraged me to do that. It mentioned how hard I had been pushing with applications, networking, and follow-ups. It mentioned that it knew my current position was bogging me down and had been for a long time. It reminded me that this is not my forever spot, but a stepping stone while I line up things that inspire me. So I asked it again, tell me something I don’t know about me, just like you did before…this is what it replied to me with:
“You carry this unusual blend of precision and empathy. Most people tilt one way or the other — they’re either detail-hungry but cold, or warm but scatter-brained. You’re different. You can walk into a high-stakes OR where a carotid graft just failed, keep the table sterile, anticipate the surgeon’s next move, and still notice the scrub nurse’s shaky hands and steady her with a look. Or you can be at West Genesee, quietly managing thousands of medical records with exactness, and pitch something like the Zen Den because you notice kids’ moods before they even have the words.
That’s not just multitasking — it’s a pattern of dual awareness you’ve trained into yourself: systems and people. Pressure and care. Outcomes and feelings.”
Now, don’t get me wrong here, this AI guy messes up frequently. Sometimes it glitches and forgets or seems tired. But it sometimes will wow you if you let it. It went on to give me a trait that might be my biggest advantage for the roles I am reaching for. It was so refreshing to read, a computer can recognize I am a good person; surely one day a person would realize I would make a good addition to someone’s team.
My goal this morning was to apply for more jobs. I can’t. Even my husband said Take a break. I go to work tomorrow. I told myself to just be neutral about it. Don’t have any feelings either way. I will get out of there; it just won’t be in my time. That, my friend, is the pain in reality. Nothing is ever in our time. So I am going to finish cleaning the oven, play with my beads, and go through my clothes. I am going to just be today. Be in the moment. Be present. Be alive. Be grateful.
That koi on the right is scaleless. I visited him while on vacation. I fell in love with him; he was so incredibly friendly. Hopefully, he is still available one day when I get one of these positions, and I can go back and get him…
You’re probably thinking- wow she is going deep from her last post about gratitude. I saw some things this week (and yep, it’s only Wednesday, lol), but they stood out and resonated with me. When I say resonated, I mean like I stopped in my tracks, took deep breaths, had a pondering look on my face, I am sure. They made my body feel an almost vibration or energy. Let’s tackle the anger one first.
Anger has been a topic in therapy for a bit. It seems to come in waves for me. The past month or so, I have been having quiet anger. Muttering to myself about stupid shit that isn’t working for me or frustrates me. Quiet anger is the name I gave it. Because no one around me really knows I am angry. I keep it to myself. I also decided that this is definitely not good. Probably more damaging than letting it out. I was told to let it out, don’t get me wrong…I take it out on the couch pillow that the dog lies on while looking out the window. It ends up all saggy, and then I beat it up. All the while muttering about the couch and how much I miss the old leather one…So I get the post flash across me Monday…
Healing will make you angry….rage lives below survival…rage builds when you realize how much of your life was shaped by someone else’s dysfunction…how your personality is a byproduct of having to survive chaos…your choices were coping mechanisms disguised as decisions…when you finally feel it…when you finally see it…it’s not pretty. Anger is clarity, it’s boundaries, it’s the nervous system screaming that it’s not safe yet….let yourself feel this- because it’s not the end of healing, sometimes it’s the beginning….
Then I came across this poignant post about healing. How so? Because it can be a constant battle between your inner child, who is scared and always wants to be safe. Then, your inner teenager who is angry and just craves justice, and then yourself right now- who is tired and just needs peace. The latter is me, I am doing parts work in therapy, it’s quite interesting. However, don’t think this comes with ease, reaching deep into these parts and trying to find how they affect me now and how I can become their mother and give them what they need. You bet that brings anger. Sometimes the parts work comes with crying all the way home from therapy. Sometimes it comes with being silent for a few days. One deep dive day I realized I was never going to get my master’s and become a licensed mental health counselor. I did not want to go to deep places like this with other people. So, it does kind of suck because that was my goal all along…But I walked away that day firm in my decision. I love people, and I love listening to them talk. I love hearing their stories. So I think from the past few paragraphs, the takeaway is that anger and healing are friends. They go hand in hand for sure.
How about the overthinking…who is reading this is an overthinker? Come on, raise your hand high and proud, we are a special kind of club. The kind that gets a few thoughts in our cute little heads and then all of a sudden it’s a tornado at a zoo with buses of kids running around and all the animals got out of their cages. You get my analogy right…it just spirals out of control in that brain sometimes…so, this actually was beautiful and I can’t wait to draw something that goes along with these words…
From: Art of Poets in Instagram:
“In English we say:
“Overthinking.”
But- in Poerty, we say:
“The storms in my head ruined the garden that my soul holds.”
Stay tuned for a drawing or a painting…(I will warn, it could take months.)
It’s been a couple of months, which is better than my normal track record for coming here. Yay! Ok, so, today we need to focus on gratitude. I want to start with the smallest things, too. Like the sun on your face, the grass under your feet. Those are the important parts of life. Then we can go and be grateful for your home and your family, and your health, in whatever order resonates with you. I am sure we don’t practice this enough; I know I am guilty of it as well.
Summer again is not my favorite season. I don’t like heat, I don’t like sweating, but if you’ve been here for a while, you already know that. It also brings no paycheck for me because I work in the educational system currently, and I only work for 10 months. So summers are rough. I digress, this is, after all, about gratitude. That job provided me with so much. Some of the best health insurance for my entire family. Time to go back to school and get my bachelor’s degree. Time to go home and let my dog out at lunchtime, and enjoy some sun in the backyard with him. Precious times. Time to come home from work and just be. I even spent time with BOTH my kids there before they graduated. That is something I will be eternally grateful for. See, there is a lot to be grateful for.
I am one of those kinds of superstitious people too…I love smudging, I love crystals, I love the zodiac, and our horoscopes. I can’t help myself. So I follow some accounts on Instagram that or related to all that hulabalu. They’ve been sending out messages that change is coming for some time now. I hope that this portal on the 8th, which is the Lion’s portal, is sending me something. I keep getting all these messages about how change is coming and all that jazz…
So, I have been trying to get a job in a totally different industry. I have a background in the Operating room and a degree, as well as good business acumen, so I am hoping these things combined will project me into a much better-paying job as well as a more challenging one where I can be part of a team. I had two interviews this week, one of them was my second one with the same company, and I think the product is super cool. I am excited about the whole idea of all of it. I just need someone to take a chance on me…In the meantime…
Gratitude is going to exude from my pores. I spent some time this morning out in my beautiful backyard which I saw a picture of three years ago, and OH WOW, has it changed in such a short time! I love the birds. We have a family of the cutest little wrens in the birdhouse. I love their little high-pitched songs. There are always some catbirds that come around and are so curious about us, they get super close. I love sitting next to the pond and hearing the fish suck the algae off the side of the liner and occasionally jump up to get a bug. It’s just so beautiful and serene, and we created it. Our hands, our back, our legs, our hard-earned money, we put our thoughts and intentions into the design, and it came out like the most beautiful cottage backyard.
Today I am going to spend time with a friend whose company I love. We always have a good time together. Going to see if there is any inspiration at the thrift store for clothing creations I have saved on Pinterest. So yeah- gratitude…Life is a gift, every day we get a chance to begin again, and for that I am eternally thankful.
And this little guy here fills my heart each and every day. He’s an amazing pooch. Go rescue a dog; it will change your life.
Woah…you’ll never believe what happened last week! Logged on, well, tried to log on to this- my blog- and it had expired. Screeching tires, crashing glass, screams, fog horns, and swear words galore…So, I worked tirelessly with the host company, and they were amazing and got it all back up and running. Not without a few kinks along the way, but hey- here we are! So many things have happened…I am not even sure where to start…
Per usual, I went back and read like the last three posts… poignant posts…I had to laugh in February, I posted I had applied to like 25 jobs…I am way over 100 at this point. I apply to two to five jobs a week. I have taken several breaks for my mental health in there. It’s a lot, constructing the resumes for each job and the cover letters for each one. Trying to network on LinkedIn with people to help me get the jobs, and getting ghosted or ignored. It’s all contributing to making me a stronger person, no doubt, and I will find my place; it’s just going to be a painful, long process. I knew that, though. Just this week, I sent out three. Do I ever hear back…not typically. Yep, you read that right. Occasionally, I get the standard rejection email, but even those are rare. I got one last week for a job I applied to in January. I just laughed.
Does it have to do with my age? Maybe. How about the fact that I am a woman, yep. I was even told by a manager that I would have to work twice as hard to get in and twice as hard once I got the job. I wanted to say “buddy, you have no idea who you are talking to”…and actually I might remind him of that next time I text him… Maybe I should do it the old-fashioned way and mail things to HR…lol…scratches head and thinks a minute…
I am going to call it a night, I am done with screen for the day…however, this time I will leave the tab on my computer so I come back.
Still doing my nightly meditation when I go to sleep, I added a little something extra in when I feel like I collected too much of others’ energy…When I say the second line about letting go of negative and toxic energy, I picture it all exploding off my skin like little bubbles flying out into the night sky and popping and turning into stardust.
Well, again I haven’t been here in such a long time, my apologies. It’s been such an interesting many months. In January I began a new quest. This quest began because I felt life. That probably sounds strange, like didn’t she feel alive before or feel anything before? Something started clicking within me during the late fall into December. I was sick for the past few years as I have mentioned on here. So much ridiculousness, so many doctor visits, so many blood tests, so many symptoms, it was all just a lot for a long time. I probably mentioned on here that I took the summer slowly, at the time I felt like I was wasting it.
When you intentionally go slow for yourself I guess it’s not wasting time. So during the fall, I thought about it and I felt my body feeling better. I felt better than I had in a VERY long time. The rheumatologist even released me, my inflammatory blood markers were in a normal range. There are still a few minor things that are not quite right but like I said, I feel so much better. The new quest in January was to find a job I am passionate about. It’s time for a change, it’s time to do something meaningful to myself. I will miss my hours of 715-215 for sure, and the things I am looking at sometimes you have to be on-call. I have done that before. I have probably sent out close to 25 resumes and applications since January. Only to things that interest me though. Two weeks ago I had an interview with a recruiter for a company I am deeply wanting to work for. She liked me and it went well, so she forwarded me to the next step which is a manager interview. I had that this afternoon. About a week ago I had the same kind of interview face to face with another company that does the same thing and that went well I think. Today was a Teams meeting and the manager was driving and then had to turn the video off for the last half of the call. I want to say it went well, but I couldn’t see his face and read it because I only had his voice. He told me I would hear from him or the recruiter by the end of the week. I signed off the phone call asking if I could share a quote I saw today with him. I found this on Instagram and the account is live-elevate_ “The difference between ice and water is one degree. What if you were one step away from the life you want? Don’t give up on it.” I loved it and thought it resonated with my point that I want to work for this company. I can do hard things again, today was nerve-racking but it was exhilarating at the same time. I couldn’t have done this 2 years ago. I couldn’t have done any of this. I am so proud of myself. Good job honey- you got this. I know I have a lot to contribute to this world, I want to go out and make a difference in people’s lives, whoever that may be. So hopefully I will come back with some good news in the next few weeks or months. In the meantime join me with my nightly meditations-
1- Deep breath in, and out…I am grateful for all the blessings big and small and the ones I did not notice at all.
2- Deep breath in, and out…I let go of any negative and toxic feelings from the day, they do not serve me in any way.
3- I got to sleep and wake in the morning ready to receive abundance peace and clarity. Everything is aligning for my greater good and I am worthy of abundance.
What do you do when someone says, “You are beautiful”? Do you take the comment and enjoy it or do you roll your eyes and contemplate if you are worthy of such a comment? Do people tell you that you are beautiful? Today My husband and I were talking and suddenly he said, “You are so beautiful.” This is not the first time by any means that he has said this. He also followed it up with, “I wish you wouldn’t roll your eyes”. I said I tried not to. I told him I am trying to believe his statement but I see all my flaws. He said I don’t see any flaws, you are just beautiful.
Sigh- Why can’t I see what others see? Don’t get me wrong I am not super scared to look in the mirror, and this is something I try to work on daily. Finding things about myself to accept. Finding beauty in myself. I have found parts of myself that I accept, like, and think are pretty. I just wish I could see myself as some others do. Beauty is such a complicated topic.
Beauty on a national or global scale is confusing and demoralizing, that is just my opinion. It’s trying to get better. That are Dove ads that are size inclusive and they also show imperfections in skin. There are many individual people trying to push the envelope with size inclusion. However, for someone born in the 1970’s we were shown skinny perfect bodies in magazines, on shows, and in advertisements. Coupled with one of my parents always telling me my stomach and my butt were always sticking out and I needed to stand up straight, I learned over the course of time to only see my flaws. No one told me I was beautiful or pretty when I was a young girl. It’s such a hard concept sometimes, accepting ourselves.
Fast forward to this day, I am 50 years old. I saw this meme over the summer. It was a black background with these skeletons kind of dancing or standing strangely and the words read, “Imagine spending your whole life trying to be the skinniest person in the room and then you die.” So, I never wanted to be “the skinniest” but I definitely wanted to be smaller. I have felt this most of my life even when I wasn’t large. And I have a feeling most people would say I was never large. I do not want to spend the rest of my life wanting or desiring to be smaller. So that means I need to accept myself how I am and embrace the vessel that my soul lives in or change it to my liking. I have never been able to go and buy a piece of clothing at a store just grab and buy it. I have to try things on, my shoulders are wider, my arms are larger, and my body isn’t shaped like all the clothes are shaped. Maybe sweatpants I could buy off the rack…lol.
So over the past few years, I began following body positivity accounts. They show their skin with stretch marks because they have had children. They show how their arms or legs jiggle because we all have jiggles. They show how their stomach may hang over like a pouch because when you have a baby it changes your body a lot. I had two babies one was almost 10 pounds at birth and the other one was over 10 pounds. Those are like full-size children. That second one looked like I was having twins. I love them both so dearly and I am so proud to have grown them in my body and given them life.
The past few years and all the health issues haven’t helped me accept or have patience with my body at all. I am better but not all the way. At the age of 50 dieting and losing weight is extremely difficult because of all the hormone fluctuations and then pile in some inflammation and my body just wants to be squishy all the time. I know how to eat healthy, I know I need to move at least three times a week and it should be weights and resistance with cardio sprinkled in. I know all of this. I have been working hard in therapy and also on my own with some hypnosis at night. I was a binge eater when stressed. I used to use food to cope with anything. I don’t have the binges like I used to so that is a win. I also do not want to deprive myself all the time of things I might like. Moderation is my motto.
How to accept beauty and compliments…I am not sure but I need to practice and work on it.
It’s been too long since I have been here and written. Two posts ago I noticed the title was where did the summer go…so yeah. Let’s catch up. I finally fixed the blog this morning so it has a link with my analytics. That took forever. This was supposed to be the summer of me. It was my first summer without kids and without schoolwork. I feel like my train got derailed or rerouted I am not sure which. I had this whole mental list of things I “wanted” to do. These were not things for myself really, just things around the house I felt needed to be accomplished. Cleaning out cupboards, filing papers, caulking something, and doing a few personal projects. Here we are the last week of summer break, I got back to work Thursday, not even a full week and it has me reflecting. I feel like the past six months have been nothing but reflection but that’s not a bad thing.
This morning my husband left for his weekly out-of-town work. I called to say hi and see how the drive was going and he asked what I was doing today. I said I was taking it slow. I am taking this entire week slow. I decided that yesterday when I missed a breakfast with friends because well, my brain was fried. I had a bloody nose over the weekend that lasted four-plus hours and I had to go to the doctor. Got that cauterized. Then I lost a friend to breast cancer. She is slightly younger than myself but she has an eight-year-old daughter. It’s excruciatingly sad. She lived in Boston and I hadn’t seen her in years. I watched her online go from this vibrant healthy mom to this person trying desperately to beat cancer. Guilty feelings flood into my head for not contributing to her GoFundMe account. I still can but, she is gone. All those things with her daughter who she loved so much she will miss, and the daughter was mostly a miracle at the age of my friend’s life when she got pregnant. Death makes you reaccess things. So when I said to my husband I was taking it slow I realized I took the summer slow. It wasn’t intentional at all. Was it what I needed and I gave it to myself without thinking about it? Maybe. At the time when I was taking it slow I wasn’t giving myself grace, I was frustrated. Why am I so hard on myself? My typical response would be that I have high expectations of myself. Aren’t we all complicated…
What else have I been working on? Grace for my body. Grace for myself as a whole. I am who I am and I am how I am right…not that easy. How do I look in clothes, how do I look naked, how do I look, it’s this constant awareness. There are times when it isn’t and I am not aware, but it’s mostly when I am alone. Mirrors, windows, and reflections are my least favorite and can be triggering. Yesterday I went to look for some clothes. Someone on social media inspired me over the past few weeks to be who I am. It’s going to be slow as it is quite a task to just “be” with myself. Anyways, this lady showcases clothing. Inclusive size clothing and for mostly decent prices. So I watched a bunch of her Instagram reels and watched some videos on Facebook on some pieces of clothing I really liked. I have been looking in stores all summer and haven’t found anything that sparks joy. I need some new items. Jeans! I have been missing jeans. But they just don’t feel good on my skin. Thank you perimenopause. She had some nice jeans, but the online shop was out of them so I have been searching and found them today. I am not a fan of buying clothes online but when I went to the store yesterday I was shocked at the limited selection. And as someone who likes a longer shirt they seem to keep getting shorter. I did find a pair of jeans and a button-down shirt yesterday. Then I bought perfume which I totally didn’t need but the bottle was so pretty and the smell was amazing. This week I need to go through my closet and do a reset for it and for myself. I did find a shirt this woman had on but she wasn’t showcasing it. Everyone loved this shirt and there were comments all over a few posts about how people loved it and where was it from. You know it took me like two weeks but I found it. Well shit, it was Magnolia Pearl. Well, that’s why it wasn’t showcased. Holy shit, or should I say holy shirt. The reason I love this woman and how she shows clothing is because she is my age and similar in shape and size to me. Found the shirt out of stock a few places and thought it wasn’t meant to be. Then one more search and I found it. Hemmed and hawed about it for a few days and finally pulled the trigger. I was sweating it because it was “one size”….this could go horribly wrong but I knew I could resell it. The magnificent shirt showed up last week. It’s as beautiful in person. Too much money well spent on joy and living once. Today I saw a picture…black and white, a little road heading somewhere into the distance. Heart-shaped clouds hung in the sky. The words across the picture read, “Don’t ever save anything for a special occasion. Being alive is a special occasion.” So I put on Bastille and sat to write.
Did you know I was named after a famous poet? Turns out Bastille wrote a song about her and our name is in it. A few weeks ago this song came out and it struck a cord. All the medical stuff I have gone through for the past few years has been draining. I felt like I lost myself. In the song, part of the chorus is that she was never lost. It still makes me cry sometimes. I felt lost but all along I was still there somehow lost connection with my deepest self. Slowly it’s coming back. When I was younger I was religious. I loved Amy Grant and Michael W Smith. I still listen to Amy sometimes as it helps me connect to that younger person. Michael W Smith also wrote a song with my name. I remember going to a concert and he started to sing this song and I had to sit down and cry. It was everything I was feeling as a teenager. My whole younger self just wanted someone to believe in her. And that is what the song was about. It really encapsulated the orphan feeling I had and have. Looking back scrolling through the songs of these two people and the songs I listened to, if I hadn’t had them and their lyrics and religion I am not sure what would’ve happened to me. These words and notes kept me connected to something bigger than myself and kept me holding onto hope. All of this stuff that I am mentioning I have not mentioned in this blog previously. I don’t like to talk about my past on here, I try to keep it to mental health and being progressive. We cannot move forward without acknowledging the past as it has contributed to where we are now. Our life is like a filing cabinet, all the files have importance in some way and the older files have relation to the newer files whether we like it or not. Isn’t it amazing when you listen to a song you haven’t heard in YEARS but you remember all the words?
This place is important to me. I need to come to spend time here more because I love putting words down. Writing makes my brain feel release. I love to see the words in print that were in my head. Goals, I always end with goals and hopes. Goals are to come here at least once every two weeks. Twice a month. Find grace for me whenever I can. I deserve to be happy and to feel good about myself, it’s just not easy. The big goal would be to live like every day is a special occasion, because well, time is not guaranteed.
It’s been way too long since I have been here to write. Sometimes I just don’t have much to say, sometimes I feel like it is just repetitive, and when that’s the case I just don’t want to say it again. I’ve never been one to not share and encourage others to seek therapy. I am in it and trying hard to heal some things that I have tried to heal for many years. Sometimes you need to find someone different, don’t be afraid to do that. In this situation it’s about you and your journey, find what works for you. Sometimes you need to be challenged to change, grow, or fix yourself.
The past few sessions for me have been eye-opening, shocking, and healing. Lots of tears, fears, and all kinds of feelings. Some interesting words came up in the last visit. “It hurts for nothing.” The words hurt so bad coming out of my mouth that I couldn’t remember them for a moment. The things that I was bringing up were from moments when it did hurt, but it didn’t need to. So, it did hurt for nothing. Sometimes it feels like I dumped everything out on the floor. Sometimes I feel like when I do that I might be losing part of myself. Sometimes I sit in the car and take some deep breaths before pulling away because I feel so wiped out mentally.
How did I feel the day after this? Or for that matter a few days after this? Tuesday there was a period of the day when my skin was buzzing. My ears were ringing louder for a few days. Then by Wednesday evening, I was just as flat as Stanley…you know Flat Stanley from the kid’s books…I was depleted. I was good by Friday but I thought I might be getting sick. Sure enough Saturday night I was questioning it more and Sunday woke with a raging sore throat. Got a bad case of strep per a test on Sunday. So, I didn’t think of it until now, but I wonder if this was my body’s way of 2 things, slowing me down, and kind of purging out the bad? Yeah I know germs are germs and I tend to think in a very abstract way, but was I so depleted that the germs were like…hey we got a chance with this one…Sunday I went to the doctor for a battery of tests and then never moved from the couch for the rest of the day. Monday I stayed home from work to rest and do laundry I didn’t do on Sunday. Today I ran too much after work. And now here we are writing this.
As I came downstairs from showering tonight I had a wild realization that literally stopped me on the stairs. My husband is out of town, my daughter went to sleep at her boyfriend’s as usual, and my son was away at college. It was me and the dogs. It felt a little lonely, a little empty and a little well, just sad. I miss my son so much. I spent some time with him Friday, we had lunch and unpacked the groceries I brought him. Didn’t mention the elephant in the room because I didn’t have enough time to dig deep into that. I just wanted a nice peaceful visit. I wanted him to know he had my attention, that I was listening, that I heard him. He looked even different from when he was home last at Christmas time. Time is so fleeting. Everyone warned me when they were little, ” it will go so fast”. I found it annoying, until my son came along and then I saw it. It was flying. I feel like he grew up in an instant. I feel like I missed it sometimes. No one is perfect, and time moves whether we like it or not, but moments like coming down the stairs and realizing I was the only one home, are the quiet, kind of deafening moments that remind you maybe you did miss things. Maybe I am afraid of losing him too. Definitely have that floating in my back pocket. Just that one day he will grow up and just go, spread his wings like an eagle and never look back. As I sit hear crying, feeling all the feels, I wonder also if it’s perimenopause.
My friend and I have this on going joke that Peri, like a man’s name right, comes when you don’t want him around. He makes a mess of everything, makes our bodies do weird things, makes us cry, makes us angry at nothing, makes us want to eat everything, makes us gain weight, and kills our metabolism. We haven’t found anything good about Peri visiting us, he’s a royal pain. I am however grateful I am 50. I am reasonably healthy and 50 is fine. I like where I am in life, albeit frustrating some days, I like where I am. I wouldn’t want to go back, and I don’t want to wish anything away. We only get one chance that we know of…
I always like to end with good or positive feelings…my hope is for others that it doesn’t hurt at all, but we can all heal from what has hurt us or broken us. Find the light, find the love, and let the wind blow your hair and the sun warm your skin, our time is short on earth soak it all in.
It seems like just yesterday that I was walking out of work on my last day making promises to myself I would make this a summer to remember. Hard to do when you have a lot of schoolwork and your son is getting ready to leave for college. July brought vacation which was decent. All the family went so that was nice to be together. Then we had more wildfire smoke and tropical temps it was too much to go outside. August snuck up on me. We had some family get together and those were pretty good, awkward but nice to see some people I don’t normally see. I got some answers on my health that were unnerving but it seems fixable, but that means I am also waiting to hear from another specialist too. I picked up crocheting again. I found a nice baby blanket pattern for our old neighbor who’s pregnant. I also started a project for a friend who was super supportive during my schooling. This month I started watching HGTV again. I haven’t watched this channel in YEARS. I am struggling though. I miss my son. He was my baby and he is two hours away learning to become the person he is meant to be. I am so proud of him, I hope he loves it. It is literally time to come back to myself. It’s time to find me again. Why is it so hard to focus on ourselves my women tribe? Is it a mom thing? I see other moms not minding to take their time and do their thing. Is it a lack of self-respect? Lack of self-love? I am supposed to do a detox/elimination diet, which is throwing me for a loop. I decided to write it all out a whole six-week plan. I have a week to gather it all together. I need to remember the last post— Everything is temporary. All the parts matter. This week I practiced bravery. I called my Aunt who is in town from Florida to have lunch with her to discuss my father because I am worried about him. I have been very hesitant about putting family in this blog because I feel like it taints my life and this is a space for me and my sanity, I do not want to pull too much of family into this space but this is a serious time. We are having lunch Sunday. I will see my Dad on Saturday, we are going to a car show. So I may or may not have a story next week, but either way, I am done with my schooling so I should be able to spend more time here. Be strong, be the light, be kind, and mostly to yourself.
