Renovations on Life

Here we are. 2023. This is an interesting year. When you are kid you look at the year of your birth and it’s a number. You maybe think about the numbers when you would be an adult and they seem so far away or even unbelievable. So, yeah, 2023 is weird. I will be 50 this year. Also weird. I was told I need a knee replacement. Yikes. It’s not happening anytime soon. Getting to the title of this post. I had a mortar and pestle I kept from the shop. We used it a lot for grinding spices. It’s nothing fancy plain white. I was making meatballs that call for ground fennel but that didn’t seem to exist in the spice isles I was in. I ground my own. No biggie. It’s therapeutic in a way The meatballs were great. In fact I made them two weekends in a row. But the tool got me thinking about life. Sometimes we just need to grind it out right? Push and trudge to get to where we want to be. I just thought life is interesting and how we deal with it. I am in a new class for my bachelors that I love, but I have senioritis. I only have four classes after this one and I want to be done soooo bad. Then I am hoping for a small break before I begin the masters program.

My physical therapy for the nervous system is amazing. Yesterday I went, I was feeling horrible. I had been sick for a few days, sometimes my stomach just gets off, it’s always been that way. It was upset for about three days. By the time I got to PT I was tired and felt terrible because it’s the end of the day. Sometimes we do rigors work and other times we focus on slow breathing and touching certain spots on my arms and legs. This was a quiet reset day. My stomach was in nots and upset and just a mess. It was like fireworks in my gut before I got on the table. As the session progressed I began to feel less of all of that. By the time we were ending and she said sit up slowly and take some deep breaths, how do you feel? I sat up and was in awe because right at the end before I sat up all that feeling in my stomach seemed to move to the center and it felt like it turned hard so to speak. As if I could just scoff it off my belly before I sat up. While sitting up it had gone. I took care to step to my coat and pay close attention to my body and how it felt. It felt light and airy in a good way finally….I felt like it was lifted. I went home and had pizza. I felt fine. Our bodies are amazing, we just need to be aware listen and give it what it asks for. ( I suppose the pizza was for me and not my body.) I digress.

Today the sky was full of magnificent morning colors. ( I had to put the date in the title because I got all behind…) So they sky… omg the colors were amazing and all my photo people on facebook were posting the same sky even though they lived in a different city or state it was still the same colors and was so beautiful. We have to stop on the sidewalks and take these pictured either with our minds or the cameras. It’s imperative we begin to stop and appreciate what is around us. It will bring peace and clarity to your life. Please give it a try.

This morning I got out of my car, and as I always do I looked at the sky. This is a practice I have done for a few years now. It’s a form of a mini meditation. I like to see the ripples in the clouds or the spaces of blue and the light just peering up over the horizon. The sky this morning was unbelievably beautiful and menacing. We have a storm coming and at work we are all hoping for a snow day…Please universe hear our calls. Hahaha…so…I haven’t been here in a while. I’ve been working on my physical self for awhile. Being sick this past year has taken a toll. I finally saw a rheumatologist and he thinks I have Lupus so we are working with that. I also found a physical therapist that deals with resetting the nervous system. She is absolutely wonderful and is working miracles. It’s a lot of breath work and some other functional activities. My whole point in coming here to write today is to say that life is fleeting. We need to have grace for others, find joy in our days, and move. Movement is important as well as being in nature. So, if you do anything move for five minutes and take a look at the sky when you are out and about. If you begin these little changes and keep them up you will see amazing changes in your attitude. Be well.

Yep, just like on Netflix, click that button and skip the intro. My last post was pathetic. I needed to get it out though. You absolutely cannot hold your feelings in ever but be constructive in how you let them exit you! So, in skipping the intro…I am feeling a bit better but the doctor put me on prednisone again. I hate that drug and understand its necessary but it causes havoc. Like yesterday I ran out of my hot tea I usually have so I reached for one with caffeine, what a mistake. Down the predi with the tea with caffeine and bounce off the walls for hours. ZERO concentration but could play tennis and beat Serena Williams. I thought I might explode. Pile on some peri-menopause pms with all this and I am just a big fluffy ball of sunshine. Deep breath, let the lady type not the meds…So I am (hesitant not to jynx it) feeling a bit better. My body aches are less, my level of tiredness is less but I do feel it when I do too much. My gut is being kind to me. My feet still are not right but they don’t HURT like they did. They still look odd and the range of motion is not right but the pain I was having was everyday all day and night. I am waiting for some rechecks on blood work and then trying to decide which direction to take this in. Should I see a rheumatologist? I am not sure. All my autoimmune tests keep coming back negative. I shrug my shoulders a lot. I shake my head a lot. I take a lot of deep breaths. We are winding down the summer here and that means one thing…

Back to work. I have some tools and some ideas in how to handle things in hope to keep the stress level down. I got a new chair finally after two years…That will help. I will have a make believe hatch/portal thing under my desk I can open and slide down to get out of the office and land right on my favorite beach on cape cod which a local web cam will be loaded on one page of my browser at all times to view the tide and “remove” myself. How’s that! I actually can’t wait to visualize it. I might even get an actual floor sticker too…lol. School work for myself is going well. I got an A in my latest class, which I feel like I could’ve gotten a bit more out of the class but it’s hard when it’s all online. I am pretty sure I have a week off in between classes next week so that is a sweet break. My job this summer was to refill my tank and take it easy. It’s been really hot and I dislike heat and humidity. But I did manage to do a bit of my school work out back on our patio. I hung out with the dogs and some old friends. Made it to the beach to recharge, went to some great concerts, and ate some great food. I need to clean the basement…it’s terrible to me down there. I am considering attacking it next week. I just need a game plan and when I look at it I can’t find a game plan…haha. So that is my job over the next few days, find a game plan…that and figure out which haircut I want. I always want a change and then I just get the same fucking thing every time. This is where I encourage you to all take a small risk, get a different haircut, it’s hair and it wil grow back. Let’s jump together. I bid you peace, love and light.

Did you sing the title? If you didn’t then go back and sing it just like they do in the movie. This is a frustration post. It will be short and full of anger and malaise and whine. My A1C is back up, my sugar is up, my body is irritated at something. I am mad. I am frustrated. I want a different body. I want the body I had this time last year. What the fuck happened. Whhhhhyyyyy. Ya know what, I don’t even want to know why this time. I just want it all fixed. I want to be able to move again comfortably, I want to not feel tired all the time, I don’t want the pain in my feet anymore. Ugh…for fucks for all the fuck’s sakes….

Yep you read that right…chubby toes. I still don’t have all the answers for my body and why it’s doing what it’s doing. Waiting on some more tests. It’s been a week today but some of these tests take two weeks so I try not to think about it. I’ve been taking my time all week, since last Thursday. We took a vacation just the hubby and me. Kids were busy. One off in Italy for a school trip and one working. It was so different without them but it was so nice to just take our time and do what we wanted to do. We ate some nice seafood and some great salads. We had some really nice quality time together. It was nice. We sat on the beach, we saw seals, collected shells and skipped rocks into the Atlantic. I love the ocean, it is fully of energy and is such a great place to recharge. When I got out of the car the smell of the salty air hit me like an old friend slapping your back. “Hey pal! Where’ve ya been?” I actually stopped when I stepped out turned and looked at the ocean for a minute, I needed to take it all in because I couldn’t believe we had made it finally. It had been at least seven years since we were at this place. We had gone to the ocean to other places but this place just fills and fits. I soaked every minute of it in, including the day it was way too hot and my purse strap bled onto my white shirt. Good thing the purse was pale yellow…so annoying. It came out and I can wear that great outfit again. Something was nagging at me a couple days before the trip to buy a dress. Ummmm, I never wear a dress unless it’s an absolute pressing matter. I don’t know why, I suppose because they usually look like bags on my shape. Anyhow…I found one. I wore it out to dinner one night, and it felt so wonderful. Going back next year.

When we came back we picked up our son from his trip. He had an amazing time and all his luggage and things made it back with him. I had my appointment with my new doctor last week this time. It went well. No ego, just the need to help heal me. That was nice. Creeping into module six of my assessment class in school. It’s been an interesting class, not my favorite but thought provoking. This week was talk about intelligence and how to measure it and if it’s nature or nurture or both. This module was a good one.

Today I painted my nails and finished a show I was working on. Haven’t painted my nails in a while. I had gone to the salon and got a dip manicure but that ruined my nails, so I have to file and grow them for awhile. They are okay now, but still healing. Tonight I am going to the park with a friend. I think I haven’t seen her in like a year? We always get busy, but she has a big family and lots of kids so she is more busy. It will be nice to catch up. I have a book to read about auto immune foods and what to eat and what not to, so I have that work on. When It cools off I’d love to work on my cello more, but it’s way too hot to sit out there and try to strip it now. I have it propped in the living room all naked and unstrung. this reminds me of how I want to transform it and how I want to play it.

My daughter decided to go back to school. I couldn’t be more happy for her. It was as if a switch got flipped and she just found something she was interested in decided to go for it. Now if we could win the mega-millions tonight everything would be wonderful. Hahahaha… no, really, I am serious. I still have to get tickets…stay tuned.

A few things have happened…since the last post. I have had no real plans, I have taken my time. I had an amazing weekend with my husband. I was just being. It was a theme I was trying to carry on form my time sitting on the bench at the lake. It mostly worked. Still haven’t gotten all my bloodwork back yet, but the ones that did come back said relief to me. No celiac, no gluten intolerance. Probably no PCOS. Hormones are suck tricky little buggars. The ringing in my ears went a way for one night. In all honesty I did get high that afternoon with the hubs so it could’ve been that. Either way a good time has had by all, which was really only two of us. This morning I took my time. I folded some laundry and watched this silly show I have been into. Then I sat there and watched some more and hung out with the dogs. I did some more laundry, put mine away and went to wash up.

All the usual things, brush teeth, wash face, deodorant…you know… then I put on serum and moisturizer for my face and get the make up out. I always look at myself in the mirror. Do you? Sure we all glance… when I was on my weight loss journey I would look at myself every day, I would tell her she was beautiful and to keep going and that she was doing great. Where did my cheerleader self go? I had wondered that for months. Actually maybe even a year. But today, when I looked in the mirror and saw something I hadn’t seen in a verrrrryyy long time. I saw her. She was shocked, she was beautiful, she was like girrrrl where have you been. If it was two friends it was one of those instances where one says- ” Are you mad at me?” I still am in awe that I saw her.

Stop isn’t something I am good at unless its a traffic sign and then I am only mildly participant. Really, the kids get on my case all the time. Today I stopped. The world didn’t stop and everything was still there waiting for me when I returned. I left laundry in the hallway, crumbs on the table (actually left by my son). It’s all still here. I was told to stop, I was told to slow down, listen to your body, feed it (not food), find things that make you happy. Today I did that. I did my school work this morning over coffee and morning news with the hubby. Then I saw my son and waited to see what he was up to for the day. He left, then I left. I was on my way to my favorite park from when I was a child. Beaver Lake. It’s such a cool little slice of heaven. It has all these mulched soft walking paths. I have two favorite paths. One is the lake loop and I never walk the whole thing because there is one spot I love to just sit and watch. The other one is the bog trail which is a wood planked walkway through basically the swampy area, but it’s so fun. The plants are stunning. I did the lake loop. There is a spot that has a half circle of benches, I have seen a wedding there. just in front of the service benches is an area that is cleared out to see the water and there is a single bench right at the shoreline. My favorite spot. I sat down, I think it was 1030. I didn’t get up until almost noon. I caught up on some conversations and I looked across the lake. I let the memories from when I was a kid wash over me. My grandparents used to take me there, it was so much fun. My grandpa taught me what I know about birds out in the open. My gramma had books about birds and I would always look through them selecting the ones I wanted to see. We would look up at the trees and the canopy. We would look down at all the low foliage. This was the first place I saw a chipmunk, it was on a school field trip. The touch garden is even still there. Full of herbs and lams ears and things that just feel good between the skin on your finger tips. This was what I needed. I cried. I smiled. I took deep breaths. I could probably still be there but the bugs were coming out as it was getting warmer. Bugs and I do not get along, it irritates my husband to no end, I flail about and make noises and shout for them to go away. It’s comical and tragic all at the same time. The time spent there was fulfilling and felt so good, I might make this a weekly thing…or find other parks with similar atmospheres. I saw birds, squirrels, chipmunks, deer, and bugs. Saw my favorite little red tree squirrels scurrying about. Then, there was a fly that wouldn’t leave me alone…yes, I was flailing… so I was like, fine, I can go, it’s been awhile anyways. So, I got up and started walking to the path. As I reached the path there was a deer across it eating some greens. So, I stopped and whipped out the trusty iPhone camera as usual. I still was battling this fly, finally it landed haphazardly on my shirt and I swatted at it and shouted go away. I mean, for the love of god can you see this! I am an idiot. Just as this happened the deer galloped towards me as if she wanted to help. She then proceeded to swirl her way through the service benches and stood across from me with a few benches in between us. Staring at me with her big brown eyes, I could see her lashes when she blinked. At this point the fly had left the area, thank god. Then she laid down. Right in between the benches so that her placement was still able to be eye to eye. Now the flies were bothering her, she would shake her head and twitch her big deer ears. As I began to walk away, she continued her constant eye contact. She followed me walking away with her eyes for as long as we could see each other. I wish I had an apple to give her, but we shared a few important moments and maybe that was something we both needed. I went to the building and sat in the rocking chairs by the bird windows for a few minutes. Not much action other than the usual rodents on the ground. Saw some gold finches, a grosbeak, and a ton of woodpeckers. Take me to the water any day and I will feel one hundred times better. I think the next trip will be the great lake near me. It has a really cool shore of rocks. I have this affliction to rocks, I am fascinated by them.

It was always my intention to share images here on these pages too, but sometimes time gets the better of me. So here are a few from today…including my deer friend.

Deep cleansing breaths. I sit here again knowing I should be vacuuming or mopping, but I will do that after. I Have ONE MORE MODULE in the stats class from hell. I currently have an A minus even though one assignment was an F. Good Grief. I just need to get out of it. The comments form the professor are great but I feel as though I have no clue. I must have a minor clue, lol…but still don’t feel it. I still can’t find anything for my hands to do. I have gone through this once before when I had PTSD really bad. It’s like too much for my brain to even think about being creative. It’s an odd feeling being a person who likes to create things. So, I decided to watch some trash on TV. Hahahaa, yep, trash. I work in a high school so there was mention of the guidance office dressing all in pink one day and talking about the movie Mean Girls. I was like well, there’s trash number one. It was funny. Trash number two I am embarrassed to say I even thought of because I always said I would never watch. Fifty Shades, and I am committed to the trilogy, lol. I am at the beginning of the third one. It’s pure entertainment. Not believable and slightly raunchy but I needed all of the above. I suppose my husband will reap the benefits when he returns home, haahahaa. Really though, let’s be brutally honest, the power of an orgasm to clear your head or make you feel better should not be underestimated. More people should talk about sex and the power of the orgasm, it’s amazing. Appreciate your body has this capability of a kind of mini reset. When I was a kid no one talked to me about sex and it’s surroundings. I figured things out for myself. A conversation with someone in my life lead to orgasms, and I was asked how she would know. I said, you can’t not know, it ‘s like you feel everything all at once and then empty of anything negative. It’s like a tidal wave of pleasure washing over you.

So, I leave you with that whilst I go clean up some pet hair and mover around some other pet hair. Life is precious, slow down, take moments to look around. Get the bird app called Merlin. It’s amazing. #reset #breathe #livelife

Yesterday was my last day at work until September. It’s like a deep breath for my body and soul. However, I don’t really know why. I am trying to figure that out. I suppose the general environment. Working in a school these days is challenging to say the least. Yesterday my husband and I went on a jeep ride. Just around some back country roads. I like to search for rocks to add to the gardens and edges. I need to fresh air, the sun on my skin. To not think about anything. With the exception of- why is it always a left turn in the jeep! It’s an on going joke, because I hold on so tight and lean towards him…lol. So, we drove past the canal. It’s a lovely drive and view, but when I am near water my brain calculates how far I am from the edge. My first thoughts there were, “oh god, if I were to ever fall in there I would die of the grossness.” I mean the fluffy algae growing is soo gross and it fills the water. It’s like furry green wool in the water glaring at me. Nope. I tried to focus on something else, the trees, the leaves. Water is my favorite and my enemy at the same time. That’s for another post.

The ride was great. Found some rocks to go back and get. I slept in today which was the most wonderful thing. As I set up the table with my breakfast and my computer to begin this post I had this twinge. I should be doing a,b,c or x,y,z. I should be doing those things and not taking this moment for myself. No one is home, no one is making me feel that. I was making myself feel that way. Must work on that. The laundry the vacuuming the whatever will be there an 15 minutes or 40 minutes, it doesn’t matter. Must work on that. I put on youtube with bird videos for cats. A- the cats like it and B- its oddly soothing.

Where have I been? Not here in some time. It’s been busy at work and busy with keeping up with my class and I usually sleep when I come home from work if I don’t have school work to do. The class I am in is heavy and clouding my mind with frustration but I try to do it feel it and let it go. I do what I can. The place I am in right now is to honor my body. It’s both hard and rewarding at the same time. I always feel better but always feel guilty for taking the time for a break. I suppose another must work on. Sometimes I don’t have anything to say too. Odd, I know.

My body is still kind of angry. My feet hurt all the time. Sometimes they wake me up. My hand and elbows hurt. The past three weeks my feet and lower legs were swelling. Unsure as to why. So I have to keep an eye on that. I think I will go have my other bloodwork done this week. I have been taking the natural supplements for about a month now. I can do more, there are parts of me that feel better and for that I am grateful. I have an appointment to take care of my knee and all its issues. The fall in January exacerbated the arthritis I already had. I am hoping this week’s appointment goes well and the injection puts me back to where I was in December and January before I fell. I did find an alternative way to treat that I have to look into and see if it’s covered by insurance. I have hope for all of it. I always have hope. I sit hear and keep glancing at the katsura tree in the front yard. I love its green aqua colored leaves and how it’s always got new growth. I miss the old extra large red maple everyday, but that katsura is teaching me. Everyday there is room for a tiny new leaf. You’ve just got to sit and let it happen. What comes at the tree? The birds, the wildlife, the wind, the rain, the scorching sun. Yet, it stands tall and proud. It moves with the wind instead of against it. It lets the wildlife find refuge. I soaks up the rain and the sun. It resists nothing and from that I am in tears, because that is a huge lesson. Resist nothing, I am pretty sure this was a Buddhist teaching. Just sit with it, let it come in and let it go. Let nothing truly bother you because it will be gone momentarily. Very hard to do in these current times but one of the best times to practice this. So, I take a deep breath. I feel the dog at my feet, I see the tree in the window. I feel the promise of the sun on my skin once i get my arse outside.

Filled some of my bucket last week. I got front row sets to Bastille. It was wonderful. I felt the music in my chest like I mentioned in a previous post. I enjoyed it so much I told everyone I am quitting my job and following them around for the rest of my life. Hahahaha, yeah right. No, really, they played a song that was one they put out during the pandemic as a single. It’s not on any of their albums. I remember listening to it the first time and was thinking ohhhhh noooo you don’t, please do not go down the pop road with yourselves. It has a poppy sound. However Dan introduced the song and I re-though my feelings on it. It’s about a break up but the chorus speaks volumes. “I’m not gonna lie and say I’ve been alright, cuz it feels like I’ve been living upside down” Word- that’s me. Oooooooo Yeah. “What can I say, I’m survivin, crawling out these sheets to see another day”. They are musical geniuses. I love they words they use. This was the song that got me through the past week to and from work. I turned it up LOUD. Filling a bucket for yourself isn’t an easy thing. Although I see other people do it and it looks easy.

Well the cat is currently on the piano face to face with the TV. She wants the birds. good thing she is a skinny cat. This week I also got myself back into my therapist. To sit there and say I was angry and had been angry for some time but I couldn’t figure out why felt so good. It doesn’t even matter, I don’t want to feel that way anymore because that is not how I am. All of this, whatever is going on with my cannot define me. I recen;ty found a version of Springsteen’s Dancin in the Dark by Bastille. I love the line about being tired and bored with myself. It fits like a puzzle piece.

Yard work calls. Sun call. Fresh air calls. And…maybe Marshalls. hahahahaa.

The other day when I was driving I was thankful for the ability to feel things in different way. No, I am not talking about emotions. The instance I was feeling something that made this come to mind I was driving. I turned the corner and stepped on the gas. I felt my back press against the seat of the car, I rested my head on the head rest and watched the road disappear under my car. I could feel the pressure of the car moving along. this made me think of the times I have flown. My favorite part of flying is the cusp when the plane is off the ground and is climbing to reach the altitude to flatten out and we are pushed back against our seats. You really can’t resist it. You have to surrender to the feeling. You have to agree to feel it, there is no other way. It’s been raining here, which is fine that means I don’t have to water the gardens. I love the smell of the rain, the fresh earthy smell. I love the gray days when it rains. I love the feeling of the rain on my skin, it feels silky yet sometimes stings. I have to find these little things that have meaning because those are important. I need to be grateful for these things that make me feel human. These actually help me deal with the feelings I am having. Now we are talking about emotions. So, the last post mentioned a health diagnosis. Bloodwork and more needed bloodwork, being sick for months before getting an answer. Wanting to not be in my own body because it seems angry. All of this. I was in all these stages, frustration, sadness, confusion, and anger. I have been stuck in anger for a bit. I have little patience some days. For myself and others. Honestly though, what the fuck am I am I mad at? I cam here today to write it all down and hopefully move upwards. Acknowledge it, acknowledge my feelings and move forward.

Back at the end of January I was going out the door to my car to go to work. I leave at like 645 am and it’s dark. I didn’t realize I was approaching ice in the driveway. I wasn’t in a hurry, I was just walking to my car. Then…there goes my feet…I can feel myself losing balance and slipping, my brain switches on to help me orientate my body, it lasted all of 3 seconds probably but seems like IK was falling for like a good five minutes. It was like the cartoons where they play the whoop whoop whoop noise and the characters feet just keep slipping…I didn’t want to hurt my knee that has arthritis in it because It had been doing wonderful. I didn’t want to injure my hip from an old car accident. I braced my self, extra extra hard. If I have one piece of advice to give you, do not do that. I should have stayed home that day, I went to work, I ended up coming home. I felt like a train hit me. For a few days. Then I tried nursing my knee with my meds and ice and gel and cbd oil. Finally in March I couldn’t take it anymore, nothing was helping. I had an xray and a cortisone shot. That lessened it but not like it typically does. However, I started not feeling well a month before. I was not feeling well in February. I was feeling sluggish and tired and achy. I remember thinking do I have a sinus infection? It burned to breathe in. I felt like the inside of my head was on fire. So, I thought I went to urgent care for this, but I did go to the dr. Got me an antibiotic and away I went. February…March, shot. Apirl…feeling gross. Feel sick. I am tired, I hurt all over, the hurt goes from joints to muscles and circles around. I hadn’t been sleeping well at all during these months. I didn’t get any answers form the GYN when I explained how I was feeling, I didn’t get any answers from my doctor when I had to get bloodwork for my reversed diabetes. Instead I got more medication since my c-peptide was elevated, but not my A1C. NO other bloodwork. I kept thinking this whole time ( since February) it was peri-menopause, because my cycle was off and different. In April I was feeling so terrible I began to look for a functional medical person. Something was wrong with me, I could see it in the mirror. I would put my make up on in the mornings and sometimes begin to cry because my eyes didn’t look right. I looked fucking tired. My skin did not look resilient. It looked flat, I felt flat. I wanted to stay in bed when the alarm would go off. By the time the month of April came around I was so angry, what was wrong with me. Why wasn’t anyone listening to me. I also wasn’t my perky annoying self, I had zero energy, I typically raise raucous if people don’t listen. I didn’t have it in me. So I searched for someone who could tie all the pieces together, because we are human and we have systems that work together not individually. Our body is a fine tuned machine and when one thing goes out of gear it can trigger a bunch of other things.

In April I found an office that has an Integrative/ Functional medical Nurse Practitioner. I could get an appointment but not for a month or more. BUT…someone cancelled and they called me. The Universe was listening, all those mornings I would open the bathroom window when getting ready for work I would take a deep breath and let it out the window…pulling the air into myself, letting the feelings of being sick escape my mouth and go out into the atmosphere. I got in at the end of April. Went for a shit ton of blood tests. Holy moly…was I about to find out some wild information about my body.

One of the tests would take up to two weeks. That was a long wait, but what the hell, I’d been sick for months at this point anyways…I had reactivated EBV, I had low estrogen and high progesterone and testosterone. I have trouble with my adrenal function, like almost none. YIKES. So, I wasn’t losing my mind, I really was sick. I felt relief. There is no pill for this, there is no special treatment, although people have ozone treatments and that sounds freakishly scary. Apparently the ozone kills the EBV. My directives were nine days off from work and do nothing but sleep/ rest. I am a woman, mother, wife, do-er, get shit done person. This basically pulled the rug out form under me. I was being forced to take a deep look at what was important to me, and what fills my cup. I was being told to focus on myself. The ohnly time I focused on myself was back when we were removed from work in early 2020 for Covid. I was diagnosed with diabetes so I had time to focus on myself. I worked out, I changed my diet and I decided to go back to school at the end of 2020. I lost almost 50 pounds back then. I was proud of myself. I felt good. I liked my body. 2021 began school, I didn’t have a lot of time to work out, I stuck to my way of eating for the most part. I walked the dogs almost everyday with my husband about 2 miles. At the end of 2021, like the fall time…I felt my cycle shifting. I began to gain weight. Gotta remind you my knee at the end of 2021 was FABULOUS! I hadn’t seen ,y knee look that good in so long. I had a new med, it worked great. I was squatting! I hadn’t squatted in years! I could squat and get back up. It was a Christmas miracle were the exact words I sent to the doctor in my portal. Then we are back to the end of January.

So, today…I have been taking some all natural supplements to help curb the EBV. I stimulate my Thalamus daily by tapping on it. I rest, somedays coming right home to bed after work for one to two hours. I hate that, but I need to listen to my body so this doesn’t move further into something else like an autoimmune disease. Yesterday I kept thinking about how angry I am. By the end of the day I was like why and what am I angry at? My body? But it gave me signs to seek help. I told me to keep trying.

The headaches are much less than they used to be. The nausea is much less that it used to be. Thank god, those were rough. I caught a cold a week ago and feel like poo. I notice the past two weeks my feet don’t look right. My toes look angry. Well, if they look angry I guess I need to stop being angry…no really… They are swollen, and sometimes red. My feet hurt. They hurt like those days I would be stuck working in the OR for 12 hours. The weighted blanket feels good one them, but something more heavy would feel better, a cement block maybe. I am not sure what’s going on with them. I try my best to not worry and remind myself daily I was sick for awhile it’s going to take a bit to return to myself. The only way to return to myself is to take care of myself. No one else can do this for me.

The class I am in now is over my head. It’s my second statistics class and it’s killing my brain cells. I am heading into week five of eight weeks. I have resided to just passing the class. I have a 4.0 average, so this class will no doubt bring it down unless I maintain an A. I currently have an A in the class one project I got an F on. The whole thing is not ideal, but life isn’t ideal now is it…sometimes things are hard, sometimes things suck, or suck the life out of us. We must find gratitude to get through it. I am grateful for the ability to go back to school and the people that support me and inspire me to do so. So, I simply do the best I can. I need to get a D to pass. That sounds terrible, but I am ok with it, mostly. I keep doing the drop in tutor for help with the graphing and feel like I am bullshitting my way through the writing. It doesn’t matter, the only thing that matters to get through it and pass. I can do it. Every time I log on, I tell myself, you got this, it’s going to be okay. See, EBV can affect your cognition. I could feel that back in March and April. I can feel it now a lot somedays. It’s frustrating. Be your own cheerleader…you got this.

Today I am going to try to get my nails done. I might wash my car, but it’s still raining. I recall when I worked in the OR walking down the corridor to the big window to see the weather one day. It was by the dictation phones. There was a doctor finishing up there and I was just looking out the window. He asked what I was looking at. I said just the rain. I love rainy days. It was spring time probably April or May. He said, really you like rainy days? So do I. I said they are just pretty, he thought there was a sadness about them, I said no, they just give everything a break, a time to breathe, a time to look within, a time to appreciate the sunny days. We stood there looking out across the parking lot, watching the rain hit the windows, looking at the puddles and the green abounding in the background. Told each other to have a good day and went on. I like rainy days. Sun is great and it warms the soul, but to me rain is a cleanser and promotes growth and thought. It seems to make us slow down. So, today since my family is out and about, I will do things that fill my bucket. I will take my time, I will rest and I will try so hard not be be angry. It’s toxic and I need to stop. Today will be better. Today will be kind and feel good. I will probably start a crochet project later today, I just want decide which one I want to start.

Here’s to recognition, gratitude, the universe, and our intuition. I will try to take some photos of the gardens that bring me joy and share them here. Other eyes must see the beauty I see.

Be kind to yourselves, be kind to others, this world needs it right now.