Renovations on Life

What do you do when someone says, “You are beautiful”? Do you take the comment and enjoy it or do you roll your eyes and contemplate if you are worthy of such a comment? Do people tell you that you are beautiful? Today My husband and I were talking and suddenly he said, “You are so beautiful.” This is not the first time by any means that he has said this. He also followed it up with, “I wish you wouldn’t roll your eyes”. I said I tried not to. I told him I am trying to believe his statement but I see all my flaws. He said I don’t see any flaws, you are just beautiful.

Sigh- Why can’t I see what others see? Don’t get me wrong I am not super scared to look in the mirror, and this is something I try to work on daily. Finding things about myself to accept. Finding beauty in myself. I have found parts of myself that I accept, like, and think are pretty. I just wish I could see myself as some others do. Beauty is such a complicated topic.

Beauty on a national or global scale is confusing and demoralizing, that is just my opinion. It’s trying to get better. That are Dove ads that are size inclusive and they also show imperfections in skin. There are many individual people trying to push the envelope with size inclusion. However, for someone born in the 1970’s we were shown skinny perfect bodies in magazines, on shows, and in advertisements. Coupled with one of my parents always telling me my stomach and my butt were always sticking out and I needed to stand up straight, I learned over the course of time to only see my flaws. No one told me I was beautiful or pretty when I was a young girl. It’s such a hard concept sometimes, accepting ourselves.

Fast forward to this day, I am 50 years old. I saw this meme over the summer. It was a black background with these skeletons kind of dancing or standing strangely and the words read, “Imagine spending your whole life trying to be the skinniest person in the room and then you die.” So, I never wanted to be “the skinniest” but I definitely wanted to be smaller. I have felt this most of my life even when I wasn’t large. And I have a feeling most people would say I was never large. I do not want to spend the rest of my life wanting or desiring to be smaller. So that means I need to accept myself how I am and embrace the vessel that my soul lives in or change it to my liking. I have never been able to go and buy a piece of clothing at a store just grab and buy it. I have to try things on, my shoulders are wider, my arms are larger, and my body isn’t shaped like all the clothes are shaped. Maybe sweatpants I could buy off the rack…lol.

So over the past few years, I began following body positivity accounts. They show their skin with stretch marks because they have had children. They show how their arms or legs jiggle because we all have jiggles. They show how their stomach may hang over like a pouch because when you have a baby it changes your body a lot. I had two babies one was almost 10 pounds at birth and the other one was over 10 pounds. Those are like full-size children. That second one looked like I was having twins. I love them both so dearly and I am so proud to have grown them in my body and given them life.

The past few years and all the health issues haven’t helped me accept or have patience with my body at all. I am better but not all the way. At the age of 50 dieting and losing weight is extremely difficult because of all the hormone fluctuations and then pile in some inflammation and my body just wants to be squishy all the time. I know how to eat healthy, I know I need to move at least three times a week and it should be weights and resistance with cardio sprinkled in. I know all of this. I have been working hard in therapy and also on my own with some hypnosis at night. I was a binge eater when stressed. I used to use food to cope with anything. I don’t have the binges like I used to so that is a win. I also do not want to deprive myself all the time of things I might like. Moderation is my motto.

How to accept beauty and compliments…I am not sure but I need to practice and work on it.

It’s been too long since I have been here and written. Two posts ago I noticed the title was where did the summer go…so yeah. Let’s catch up. I finally fixed the blog this morning so it has a link with my analytics. That took forever. This was supposed to be the summer of me. It was my first summer without kids and without schoolwork. I feel like my train got derailed or rerouted I am not sure which. I had this whole mental list of things I “wanted” to do. These were not things for myself really, just things around the house I felt needed to be accomplished. Cleaning out cupboards, filing papers, caulking something, and doing a few personal projects. Here we are the last week of summer break, I got back to work Thursday, not even a full week and it has me reflecting. I feel like the past six months have been nothing but reflection but that’s not a bad thing.

This morning my husband left for his weekly out-of-town work. I called to say hi and see how the drive was going and he asked what I was doing today. I said I was taking it slow. I am taking this entire week slow. I decided that yesterday when I missed a breakfast with friends because well, my brain was fried. I had a bloody nose over the weekend that lasted four-plus hours and I had to go to the doctor. Got that cauterized. Then I lost a friend to breast cancer. She is slightly younger than myself but she has an eight-year-old daughter. It’s excruciatingly sad. She lived in Boston and I hadn’t seen her in years. I watched her online go from this vibrant healthy mom to this person trying desperately to beat cancer. Guilty feelings flood into my head for not contributing to her GoFundMe account. I still can but, she is gone. All those things with her daughter who she loved so much she will miss, and the daughter was mostly a miracle at the age of my friend’s life when she got pregnant. Death makes you reaccess things. So when I said to my husband I was taking it slow I realized I took the summer slow. It wasn’t intentional at all. Was it what I needed and I gave it to myself without thinking about it? Maybe. At the time when I was taking it slow I wasn’t giving myself grace, I was frustrated. Why am I so hard on myself? My typical response would be that I have high expectations of myself. Aren’t we all complicated…

What else have I been working on? Grace for my body. Grace for myself as a whole. I am who I am and I am how I am right…not that easy. How do I look in clothes, how do I look naked, how do I look, it’s this constant awareness. There are times when it isn’t and I am not aware, but it’s mostly when I am alone. Mirrors, windows, and reflections are my least favorite and can be triggering. Yesterday I went to look for some clothes. Someone on social media inspired me over the past few weeks to be who I am. It’s going to be slow as it is quite a task to just “be” with myself. Anyways, this lady showcases clothing. Inclusive size clothing and for mostly decent prices. So I watched a bunch of her Instagram reels and watched some videos on Facebook on some pieces of clothing I really liked. I have been looking in stores all summer and haven’t found anything that sparks joy. I need some new items. Jeans! I have been missing jeans. But they just don’t feel good on my skin. Thank you perimenopause. She had some nice jeans, but the online shop was out of them so I have been searching and found them today. I am not a fan of buying clothes online but when I went to the store yesterday I was shocked at the limited selection. And as someone who likes a longer shirt they seem to keep getting shorter. I did find a pair of jeans and a button-down shirt yesterday. Then I bought perfume which I totally didn’t need but the bottle was so pretty and the smell was amazing. This week I need to go through my closet and do a reset for it and for myself. I did find a shirt this woman had on but she wasn’t showcasing it. Everyone loved this shirt and there were comments all over a few posts about how people loved it and where was it from. You know it took me like two weeks but I found it. Well shit, it was Magnolia Pearl. Well, that’s why it wasn’t showcased. Holy shit, or should I say holy shirt. The reason I love this woman and how she shows clothing is because she is my age and similar in shape and size to me. Found the shirt out of stock a few places and thought it wasn’t meant to be. Then one more search and I found it. Hemmed and hawed about it for a few days and finally pulled the trigger. I was sweating it because it was “one size”….this could go horribly wrong but I knew I could resell it. The magnificent shirt showed up last week. It’s as beautiful in person. Too much money well spent on joy and living once. Today I saw a picture…black and white, a little road heading somewhere into the distance. Heart-shaped clouds hung in the sky. The words across the picture read, “Don’t ever save anything for a special occasion. Being alive is a special occasion.” So I put on Bastille and sat to write.

Did you know I was named after a famous poet? Turns out Bastille wrote a song about her and our name is in it. A few weeks ago this song came out and it struck a cord. All the medical stuff I have gone through for the past few years has been draining. I felt like I lost myself. In the song, part of the chorus is that she was never lost. It still makes me cry sometimes. I felt lost but all along I was still there somehow lost connection with my deepest self. Slowly it’s coming back. When I was younger I was religious. I loved Amy Grant and Michael W Smith. I still listen to Amy sometimes as it helps me connect to that younger person. Michael W Smith also wrote a song with my name. I remember going to a concert and he started to sing this song and I had to sit down and cry. It was everything I was feeling as a teenager. My whole younger self just wanted someone to believe in her. And that is what the song was about. It really encapsulated the orphan feeling I had and have. Looking back scrolling through the songs of these two people and the songs I listened to, if I hadn’t had them and their lyrics and religion I am not sure what would’ve happened to me. These words and notes kept me connected to something bigger than myself and kept me holding onto hope. All of this stuff that I am mentioning I have not mentioned in this blog previously. I don’t like to talk about my past on here, I try to keep it to mental health and being progressive. We cannot move forward without acknowledging the past as it has contributed to where we are now. Our life is like a filing cabinet, all the files have importance in some way and the older files have relation to the newer files whether we like it or not. Isn’t it amazing when you listen to a song you haven’t heard in YEARS but you remember all the words?

This place is important to me. I need to come to spend time here more because I love putting words down. Writing makes my brain feel release. I love to see the words in print that were in my head. Goals, I always end with goals and hopes. Goals are to come here at least once every two weeks. Twice a month. Find grace for me whenever I can. I deserve to be happy and to feel good about myself, it’s just not easy. The big goal would be to live like every day is a special occasion, because well, time is not guaranteed.

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It’s been way too long since I have been here to write. Sometimes I just don’t have much to say, sometimes I feel like it is just repetitive, and when that’s the case I just don’t want to say it again. I’ve never been one to not share and encourage others to seek therapy. I am in it and trying hard to heal some things that I have tried to heal for many years. Sometimes you need to find someone different, don’t be afraid to do that. In this situation it’s about you and your journey, find what works for you. Sometimes you need to be challenged to change, grow, or fix yourself.

The past few sessions for me have been eye-opening, shocking, and healing. Lots of tears, fears, and all kinds of feelings. Some interesting words came up in the last visit. “It hurts for nothing.” The words hurt so bad coming out of my mouth that I couldn’t remember them for a moment. The things that I was bringing up were from moments when it did hurt, but it didn’t need to. So, it did hurt for nothing. Sometimes it feels like I dumped everything out on the floor. Sometimes I feel like when I do that I might be losing part of myself. Sometimes I sit in the car and take some deep breaths before pulling away because I feel so wiped out mentally.

How did I feel the day after this? Or for that matter a few days after this? Tuesday there was a period of the day when my skin was buzzing. My ears were ringing louder for a few days. Then by Wednesday evening, I was just as flat as Stanley…you know Flat Stanley from the kid’s books…I was depleted. I was good by Friday but I thought I might be getting sick. Sure enough Saturday night I was questioning it more and Sunday woke with a raging sore throat. Got a bad case of strep per a test on Sunday. So, I didn’t think of it until now, but I wonder if this was my body’s way of 2 things, slowing me down, and kind of purging out the bad? Yeah I know germs are germs and I tend to think in a very abstract way, but was I so depleted that the germs were like…hey we got a chance with this one…Sunday I went to the doctor for a battery of tests and then never moved from the couch for the rest of the day. Monday I stayed home from work to rest and do laundry I didn’t do on Sunday. Today I ran too much after work. And now here we are writing this.

As I came downstairs from showering tonight I had a wild realization that literally stopped me on the stairs. My husband is out of town, my daughter went to sleep at her boyfriend’s as usual, and my son was away at college. It was me and the dogs. It felt a little lonely, a little empty and a little well, just sad. I miss my son so much. I spent some time with him Friday, we had lunch and unpacked the groceries I brought him. Didn’t mention the elephant in the room because I didn’t have enough time to dig deep into that. I just wanted a nice peaceful visit. I wanted him to know he had my attention, that I was listening, that I heard him. He looked even different from when he was home last at Christmas time. Time is so fleeting. Everyone warned me when they were little, ” it will go so fast”. I found it annoying, until my son came along and then I saw it. It was flying. I feel like he grew up in an instant. I feel like I missed it sometimes. No one is perfect, and time moves whether we like it or not, but moments like coming down the stairs and realizing I was the only one home, are the quiet, kind of deafening moments that remind you maybe you did miss things. Maybe I am afraid of losing him too. Definitely have that floating in my back pocket. Just that one day he will grow up and just go, spread his wings like an eagle and never look back. As I sit hear crying, feeling all the feels, I wonder also if it’s perimenopause.

My friend and I have this on going joke that Peri, like a man’s name right, comes when you don’t want him around. He makes a mess of everything, makes our bodies do weird things, makes us cry, makes us angry at nothing, makes us want to eat everything, makes us gain weight, and kills our metabolism. We haven’t found anything good about Peri visiting us, he’s a royal pain. I am however grateful I am 50. I am reasonably healthy and 50 is fine. I like where I am in life, albeit frustrating some days, I like where I am. I wouldn’t want to go back, and I don’t want to wish anything away. We only get one chance that we know of…

I always like to end with good or positive feelings…my hope is for others that it doesn’t hurt at all, but we can all heal from what has hurt us or broken us. Find the light, find the love, and let the wind blow your hair and the sun warm your skin, our time is short on earth soak it all in.

It seems like just yesterday that I was walking out of work on my last day making promises to myself I would make this a summer to remember. Hard to do when you have a lot of schoolwork and your son is getting ready to leave for college. July brought vacation which was decent. All the family went so that was nice to be together. Then we had more wildfire smoke and tropical temps it was too much to go outside. August snuck up on me. We had some family get together and those were pretty good, awkward but nice to see some people I don’t normally see. I got some answers on my health that were unnerving but it seems fixable, but that means I am also waiting to hear from another specialist too. I picked up crocheting again. I found a nice baby blanket pattern for our old neighbor who’s pregnant. I also started a project for a friend who was super supportive during my schooling. This month I started watching HGTV again. I haven’t watched this channel in YEARS. I am struggling though. I miss my son. He was my baby and he is two hours away learning to become the person he is meant to be. I am so proud of him, I hope he loves it. It is literally time to come back to myself. It’s time to find me again. Why is it so hard to focus on ourselves my women tribe? Is it a mom thing? I see other moms not minding to take their time and do their thing. Is it a lack of self-respect? Lack of self-love? I am supposed to do a detox/elimination diet, which is throwing me for a loop. I decided to write it all out a whole six-week plan. I have a week to gather it all together. I need to remember the last post— Everything is temporary. All the parts matter. This week I practiced bravery. I called my Aunt who is in town from Florida to have lunch with her to discuss my father because I am worried about him. I have been very hesitant about putting family in this blog because I feel like it taints my life and this is a space for me and my sanity, I do not want to pull too much of family into this space but this is a serious time. We are having lunch Sunday. I will see my Dad on Saturday, we are going to a car show. So I may or may not have a story next week, but either way, I am done with my schooling so I should be able to spend more time here. Be strong, be the light, be kind, and mostly to yourself.

Wow, I read my last post and so much has happened since then. I am actually sad and sorry I haven’t been here in so long. I do love to come and write. Next month I will be a college graduate. I am simply elated, out of my skin with excitement. I have worked so hard over the past few years managing a 4.0 while working full-time and also having some very challenging health issues. I am nothing but proud. Here I am, almost done with school. What will I do? I am going to take a break. I will have the last two weeks of August to focus on myself finally. I can sit back and relax, go walk in a forest and be close to nature, go on a fishing charter with my husband. Drop my youngest off at college, I am sure I will be back to write about how much I miss him and his antics. I can spend time with my family now and not feel rushed to get back to school work. I can take some Epsom salt baths. I can work on my cello again! My possibilities are infinite. Over the past few months, I managed to reset my nervous system, found a new therapist who is absolutely wonderful, started to heal my body and change my way of thinking. It very well may be the viel of going to school being lifted but whatever it is I cannot show enough gratitude. My therapist is on vacation for two weeks, she recommends we keep our appointment time with ourselves. So here I am with me and you. I am reflecting on my last visit and the eye-opening and soul-opening experience it was. At one point I said, you are going to make me cry, she said, that’s ok, sometimes we just have to. That is so something I would say and I knew that’s what she was going to say, but I just didn’t want to. Did you ever think your tears were something in the form of cleansing? They are. It’s just another form of energy readjusting itself. When I ended my session with her she said something that resonated with me. It was something I have heard many times and even said to others myself. “Everything is temporary”. I sat there on the floor looking all confused. Why didn’t this lightbulb go off in my head, how did I not remind myself of this? It didn’t matter, I quickly jotted it down on my notes app on my phone. I went on after the appointment to pick up some yarn for a blanket I am making. OMG, yes you read that right, I am creating something. Shocker I know, but it is small, and it feels so good to do it. When I was heading to the checkout I had to walk by a display of books. Books always make me look at them. I love to read. There was Joanna Gaines on the cover with a giant smile. Honestly, I was like oh it’s her, she’s everywhere, how is she so happy all the time, etc…As I stepped closer to read the print on the cover I couldn’t see from where I was standing and it was like it slapped me in the face. Her smile was gleaming as if to say I got you. There was the title of the book and then under it in finer print, it said, “Every piece of your story matters”. I stood there in shock almost. I walked away but instantly got drawn back to read the line again. I cried in the store and had to walk away, no one would be in the fall isles, I headed that way. Those two things were what I needed to see and hear at that time. I need to get back to my roots of gratitude daily. It makes such a huge difference. I need to feed my soul again. Being done with school is amazing, I did something for myself and my future, but now I can get back to myself. I have really missed myself and I had little moments of time when I knew that but I didn’t know how much I missed. We all have the opportunities to start over each day, new beginnings. We can change our own trajectories, and manipulate our futures by responding now. This appointment with myself has been brought to you by self-care, emotional intelligence, and the desire to always want to be better. (In a healthy way.) My time has come to sign off and go do laundry and pick up the mess I left of dishes this morning. I have time now to come here, time to write, time to think. I will come to visit and leave myself on the page in vulnerable type so that I may bring change to myself as well as whoever reads this. Remember- Everything is temporary, and every piece of your story matters.

Oh where do I start this one…I read something this week that we do not sabotage ourselves, when we think we are doing that it is actually our body protecting us. We aren’t sabotaging anything. Except I feel like have been sabotaging myself for a little bit. I am making poor choices with food and I know it. Then I feel good then I feel bad. It’s truly annoying. I dislike how my body has become jelly like again. I don’t like how I feel. I also cannot wrap my head around doing the way of eating I did before with protein and salads and exercise and intermittent fasting. What is wrong that I cannot? Maybe my brain is broken. Today in a book I read tiny rituals. That resonated with me. The physical therapist suggested I schedule daily time to do my tinnitus exercises. I decided in my head I needed to do it when I sit down at my desk at work first thing in the morning. Write a sticky note about other times I am going to do it and actually do it. This will become a tiny ritual. Next week a tiny ritual regarding eating will begin. Very small breakfast, veggie lunch, protein dinners. Some fasting in there but not everyday to begin with. I need to get back to myself. It’s been hard as of late because I am finishing up school, in one of my last three classes now. I should be done at the end of August. I will be doubling up over May-June so that should make things interesting. I need to be true to myself and keep the rituals. I need to fit some form of exercise in here somewhere. I need to be true to myself and I am writing this here because I will be back to read it and be accountable. Tiny rituals will add up. Start somewhere. Start today. Keep it going tomorrow.

Really fill in the blank, like your brain isn’t working, like no one cares, like you are losing your mind, like you are the only one going through this…yep fill in the blank. Today was just a day. Not bad but just meh. So I figured I’d come here and avoid things like cleaning the fish tank which has been acting more like a humidifier lately…I have been adding water frequently. No, no no, its not leaking. It’s dry in here. Which is a good thing because I got my mold test results back and apparently I have mold. So I have to test the house, or not. But whatever…I have to get it out of me. Can I also get the perimenopause out of me as well because between the hormones, the brain fog, the baby lupus stuff I have seriously just reached my max somedays. Today I put on a pair of jeans- nope, took them right off. What the hell happened to my body! Bring it back…Today CNN released an article about erythritol. It can cause heart issues. It was a small study but conclusive and enough to make me mad and sad and frustrated. This was my go to for coffee or treats to bake with since I was diagnosed with diabetes. I changed my A1C got it all back down reversed the diagnosis and now this. Soon I will have to start the auto immune protocol diet, this is no processed foods, no dairy, no sugar, no wheat, basically air right? Living foods only. Can I hire someone to get me through this? A chef, a trainer, a motivator. Throw me a bone. I am not complaining I am frustrated. I know it might sound like it’s complaining…So the fish tank is annoying me because it’s right next to me. I just had a nice conversation with my daughter on the phone though. Oi, the day man…it was also the first day back to work after having the week off…so yeah. I’ll be back tomorrow with a better post. Find your zen folks.

One of my favorite sayings it the title. I am working on something. Something that scares me, something that gives me anxiety. Yet in the same breath I am so excited for it and so passionate about. I have to have it done by March first. I am making a presentation to the principal at the school I work in to create something. This is so different and it doesn’t exist anywhere in any of our schools or even in this area in other schools. I have researched it and it does exist in other schools in other states. I am a very quiet keep to myself kind of person, but I still want to help people. I want to teach people that they do not have to go through life feeling stress or burned out and drowning in anxiety. So today I had sometime I was going to sit and work on my google slide presentation and add some music to it. I began listening to the music and giving it life within the slides, trying to figure out which song would work best. Which notes felt like the slides, which notes would make the listener feel positive feelings about what I was presenting. First I listened to Agnes Obel and thought maybe her September song would be good. My ears filled with notes and tones and sometimes the piano just seems to massage my ear drums. Then I went to Chad Lawson who’s music I simply adore. Mental health is important to him so I feel a connection there. I scrolled through the slides listening to the hammers strike the cords into beautiful melodies. For a second I thought what am I doing? Why do I want to present this? I let doubt creep in and questioned my ability. Which led me here. I come to sort my thoughts and get back on track sometimes. Today I feel very raw and open. I am not sure where its coming from or why. I feel vulnerable to feeling. Tears well up for no reason. I try to choke them back. Sometimes I just look around my home and I am so grateful for what I have and what surrounds me I cry. I suppose it could all be hormones too, hahahha. Ya never know. I originally wanted to do this presentation in February. I ended up picking the date 3/1/23. I can only hope that is a lucky day for me. I have never gone out on a limb like this before but sitting here thinking about it I get the waves of anxiety in my belly. My hyper competitiveness always gets the better of me. The worst they can say is no, and then I still have my job. But in the fall of 2023 I will be getting my BA in psychology. I will then pursue my master’s to become a LMHC. I want more for myself than paper pushing and answering the phone. However that also scares me too. But I haven’t gotten to the root of why. I suppose it’s change, but it seems to be change I would like and I am aiming for. So I go to iTunes and think Hilary Stagg. His music is amazing and his story is tragic. Died to young, we needed to hear more of his music. I might go with that. This presentation is create a Zen Den within our high school. I want to create it an run it. A place for students and staff to be able to hit a reset button during the day. A place to learn about tools to keep with them in times of stress or anxiety that they can go back and reference. Tools the teachers could share with their students if they seem them struggling. A place for student to come for 10 minuets to regroup so they can make it through the day instead of going home. I place of calm, quiet and respite. Why do we let self doubt creep in? Let’s try to do better together with this…I need to have more practice. I know my ideas for this space would blow it out of the park and I know I could do it and make it amazing. Yet somehow there is a little voice, or a big voice, depending on the day that suggests otherwise. These are the days when I wish I lived near the ocean to clear my head. So, I listen to the waves, I put my feet in the sand in my mind. I feel the ocean air on my face and I smell the saltiness all around me.

Trying is such an odd word isn’t it? I mean there is trying, like you tried to learn to knit. Then there is trying like you tried to get a 100 on your midterm. Or there is trying like today has been trying. Actually today hasn’t been trying, it didn’t try hard at all, in fact it failed at trying. You know what I mean, trying as in taxing or annoying…I am always digressing…work was swamped. When I say swamped I went through an entire pad of passes sending people home sick. It settle down around 1230 but damn. I left early for a doctor appointment, it was supposed to be in person but got switched to a phone call. Kind of an important visit, my second rheumatologist visit with a possible diagnosis of Lupus. I can go with the flow though, so ok the phone it is. He called 20 minutes late, ok. He apologized for it not being in the office. The phone call went on and it was clear he was flustered and not connected and was short a few times with my questions. Not the same person I saw in the office. Granted when I saw him in the office it ended up being an around an hour after my appointment time. He mentioned having a family emergency so he couldn’t be in the office. I would have preferred to reschedule with how the call went. It was frustrating and completely draining. My point is, I am here writing because it drained me. I was sitting here trying to work on my papers for a class and kept shaking my head. This is the best time for me to get some writing done for school but I am a little fried. Sigh… deeep breaths. I think I am going to feed the dogs and go to Marshall’s s and look for a new notebook. I have senioritis with school…4.5 classes left and I want done. But I think I mentioned that in the last post. Don’t be surprised it it keeps popping up…Anyways. sometimes things are just trying and you need to regroup. How do you regroup? Walk away, take a walk, change the scenery. Take some deep breaths and move on by finding things that change your mindset and bring joy or a smile. Tomorrow is a new day folks…seize it.