gratitude

Sunday Mornings

The Renovator

Good morning, the earth begins by giving you the rays of sun. Then you are given the breeze blowing through the tree limbs. Listen carefully, the next gift is the song of the trees sung by the birds. I love Sundays. Usually Sunday morning, we sleep in and get up and have coffee while we watch Sunday Morning on CBS. Today is a little different. There is a local run here my husband does, he’s been dong it for years, since the kids were little and used to run at the end over the finish line with him. He got up and off he went, I stayed in bed and snuggled the dog (because he told me too, I like to be at the finish line). Then the cat wanted me up but took some petting in the bed as enough to quiet down. I laid there and thought, and didn’t think and tried to feel my body and not feel it at the same time.

When I write a post I tend to read the one I wrote previously, unless I know it would choke me up and then I might not read the whole thing. So, this morning I thought I would read what I posted the other day. Jesus Momma, what happened….It was aaalll over the map, but honestly it reflects how bad I feel. I think my mental capacity was being pushed by all the feeling crappy, over the past 3 months I do not like how it has changed, it is not me. Like I said, I kept thinking it was peri-menopause…but it was getting worse. If I can urge you to do anything, it’s speak up for yourself. If you aren’t feeling well, seek help until someone listens. Only you know your body and how you feel and for me it was months of looking in the mirror not seeing myself. I thought I looked sick, I felt sick. Our medical system is not made for you to walk in the doctor office and say things like that. It’s a bit sad for those of us that are in-tune with our bodies and want to be part of a team taking on health issues instead of just being told what to do. I have always been an independent thinker, I have always asked why, it’s my favorite question and it really irritates people, I know, but it’s me. I am a Sagittarius, I shall say no more, and if you think the stars and signs have no affect on us, wrong again… everything in your body is linked together, everything in the universe is linked together including how it reacts with us and our systems. I digress…all the time…

The bloodwork. The waiting. The decisions. Ugh. I did a little reading last night after I could partially digest what I was told. How did this all happen? In my brain it’s flying like a banner on a plane over the beach when you’re on vacation. It shocked me, it scared me, but it is also making me think. How can I do better, how can I be better, with the exception that I thought I was doing ok. AlI I know is, I fell the last Thursday in January and I have not felt the same since then. Last week I decided I was going to kind of give my body a break, from all the meds and the supplements with the exception of a daily vitamin and some tumeric (curcumin) for my knee, and any other inflammation at this point. Today I had my collagen in some coconut milk and that was wonderful. Last night we had turkey burgers with pineapple on them and I had a large helping of wilted spinach. I enjoyed the look of the food on the plate, I enjoyed the flavors on my tongue. Sometimes you have to really slow things down…

How does the robin know I am sitting at the table, so then it comes to take a bath? Sometimes it just sits there too, its feet in the water, looking around, taking a moment. I can tell you this, our world has been bombarded for almost three years now. Whether you realize it or not it puts us all into some form of fight or flight, this is not good for our bodies. I truly hope for an end to all of this for everyone, I hope everyone can find more peaceful days.

Today, my gratitude extends to the sky. That sun today is amazing. I sit at the table in the dining room and the kitchen is behind me with all the rays leaning in calling my name. They reach for me and they yearn for me to come and bathe in them. I am grateful for the opportunity to be still, even though it is incredibly hard for me to do, I need to be still. There is beauty in each day, the leaves are emerging from the branches of trees, the babies animals are emerging from the forests, the birds are building their little communities again. There was an interesting section in the book 12 Rules for Life by Jordan Peterson. He speaks about the birds in the trees and how we hear song and think it’s this beautiful sound, but really they are calling their mates, or announcing their territories or sending out messages to other birds. I urge you to listen very carefully to their songs. The cardinal has many different tones and variations. The chickadee does too. Funny the chickadees are so flitty, I always wonder if they have anxiety….the bluejays have even more unique tones. So, the sun calls, it call for me and it calls for you. The wind carries messages of peace and breath for us, an urges us to relax and let go and just be.

Today’s quote from Ted Lasso should really make you think...”It’s funny to think about the things in your life that can make you cry just knowing that they existed, can then become the same thing that make you cry knowing that they’re now gone.”

Now, if you will excuse me, I am going to put on sweat pants, sit and bathe in the sun and play my tongue drum. I dug it out a couple weeks ago and I am sure the birds would love some music.

The Bottom of Resilience

The Renovator

Odd title I know. It’s been a minute, I know. Honestly I haven’t been ok and couldn’t figure out how to fix myself. Another odd thing, I know. Remember waaay back many posts ago when there was music but not the usual music with words, it was too much for my head. I have been trying to medicate with some music, it has actually given me comfort to hear the words again. I still resort to the classical at times but music helps you relate. I decided to turn off the TV this am and write, it was kind of an assignment to journal. Since this is basically my journal, I thought ok…I needed to do better on here anyways.

So I put on an old favorite…Bastille. They have a song called The Weight of Living. Don’t we all feel that at some point? Sometimes it just gets heavy. Not even any one thing. I was trying to pinpoint what brought me to this point yesterday but the doctor I saw was right, I was going to break. I still don’t know why. I laid in bed this am with the rays of sun spilling through the curtains calling my name but I wanted them to go away. I think when it gets heavy it might not be one thing. The conclusion wasn’t there and I don’t even need it really. I wasn’t right. I haven’t been right for a few months and couldn’t put my finger on it. Couldn’t explain it to anyone, couldn’t find the words. Then words entered my ears, “I am taking you out of work”. My soul took the biggest deep breath. For months I felt like I was being bombarded. But, by what? I have no fucking clue. It wasn’t home, it wasn’t work, it wasn’t school, it wasn’t relationships. Life, like the song says, the weight of living. This is a redo, a start over, a detox, a new beginning, a fresh spring. Sounds cheesy…I just got done taking a Human Relations Organizations class. My last paper was about our reactions and how we control them. How we must step back and look at the situation and try to see why the other person is being how they are. If we just automatically react to a situation that is the wrong way to go about things. Somewhere along the past few months I lost my way. I forgot how to do that? No, I think I forgot to apply. I also forgot to apply the old, let that shit go. The odd thing is that I don’t feel like I am carrying anything around, but yet I feel it. Most people would say that is a bunch of hocus pocus. It’s not. So I sit and type, and listen to music and cry and take deep breaths. How am I going to get myself back home? Not my house, I am in it. My home of myself. Slow and steady wins the race, eh…

Today I am grateful for so many things. My weighted blanket is my first thing I am grateful for today. I saw it on the top shelf of my bed last night and it was like I saw an old friend. Funny how pressure can make you feel like breaking but then actually the pressure of something can bring such relief. I made sure my kids got off to work and school and slept more even though the light was burning through the curtains. That blanket was a much needed weight. Let us never forget there is a light. Just like the song says. The second thing I am grateful for it my birdbath. Everyday I begin watching in the sunlight this robin coming for a drink and a bath. He takes such a bath I need to keep adding water. I see the mourning doves wandering, I see the cardinals in the tree. I love them. I look forward to sitting on the patio with all the chickadees , they are the best. The third thing I am grateful for the chance to begin. Everyday, every moment we get the chance to begin again. Sometimes our light gets dimmed, sometimes the flame goes out but the wick is still warm, and we just need a bit of help. Life is too good to feel that way. You can realize that there is a struggle and still cry, you can still curl up in a ball, but you also have to smile, and find the hope and challenge yourself. So here is the renovation, the challenge. It has to be gentle, it has to be thoughtful, it has to feel right.

Everything will be fine, let that shit go, focus on yourself. That stuff is really hard for a woman, mother, wife, hard worker to do. I thought I was doing a good job at self care, but looking now, I was just going. The days blended into the nights, to the point I didn’t want to get out of bed. I could cry at the drop of an anything. I was just going. It is a horrible feeling, I felt it once before but in a different way. What would the world be like if we all had a little bit of tenderness for each other? I think of the strangest things…but I wonder. Imagine if we all thought about the “next person”, or tried making life easier for each other…

Promise yourself, that you will take care of you. Promise yourself that you will be grateful, promise yourself you will be ok so you can be there for the people that matter. Promise yourself you are worth being ok. Promise yourself not to be too hard on you. Promise yourself to see all the good, to be the good, to find the positive. Promise yourself to be curious and try new things. Promise yourself to find your inner Ted Lasso, your inner Kathleen, your inner peace, your inner light. Promise yourself you will be back.

Resilience has two meanings but basically the same thing…to recover quickly or be tough, and the ability to spring back into shape. I guess we can look at it this way…even a tree needs a break? It loses it leaves and goes silent. The tulips bloom and go silent. The animals in the forest go silent. I am going silent to my surroundings for a bit. Not here, I need this. I am unplugging to plug in? I am unplugging form what is not important. We all need silence sometimes form ourselves as well as things around us. There is a line in Bastille song, ” New melodies rise up with the sun”, how much more truth can we get….I leave here with a Ted Lasso quote ( if you haven’t watched Ted, go, run, do it. It should be required by all humans)

“You know what the happiest animal on Earth is? It’s a goldfish. You know why? It’s got a 10-second memory.”

Be a goldfish.

What will your renovation be today?

check this out…https://www.mindful.org/5-ways-increase-happiness-daily-life/?utm_content=bufferea7c3&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=buffer&fbclid=IwAR26Gk1G-0h4qlDvyYTlK64dcizD0_7hjf8qlIsVUMpFGifZHKJJYvIqQWg

Motivation, responsibilities, chores, music

The Renovator

Currently we are in the middle of a widespread pandemic called Covid -19, a version of a Coronavirus. Yeah don’t we all wish it was related to the beer, it’s not. To get myself motivated today (actually I’ve done laundry…) I got out my speaker and put on Danzon no.2 by Arturo Márquez. This song is so loud and busy it’s like candy for your ears. I like the Gustavo Dudamel version. I digress…today’s kitchen conversations were about feeling disconnected, disengaged, disinterested, and sometimes plain lost in your near lack of thoughts or over thinking.

Some days are just better organized than others. Sometimes I make a list and sometimes it works, sometimes it makes me feel like shit when I make a list and don’t do it or don’t do part of it. (Throws hands up in air and shakes head) What can you do? My husband just told me that sometimes the days just don’t work and tomorrow will give you another opportunity. True, tomorrow give me new. I could paint, I could clean, I could organize something, I could walk a dog, I could do yard work ( expect it’s still pretending to be winter here), I could do a lot of things. Some days I just feel nothing, so I wander the house doing nothing. Redonkulous. So…we will get through this. We will become better on the other side. What renovations can we do while we are moving through this unprecedented time?

Take your time. Be kind. When I say be kind, it is in all it’s simplicity. Kindness to yourself will go along way when you need to be kind to others. If your brain has plans for you other than what you had planned, you can either fight it, or take the good with the bad and roll with it. I am in no way saying be lazy, that is not really allowed. Intentions are important, set them when you lay to rest and when you rise. We can also learn to enjoy the beauty each day brings us. Things like the two little sparrows on the sidewalk this morning. Things like the 10 minutes I sat in the warm sun on the patio.

The days bring frustrations with trying to do school work at home. My kids have really struggled with the change in their education. As I am sure many others across America have. It’s simply not ideal. Being in the education system I cannot imagine the heartache the teachers have to teach to the kids and see the facial expressions of them. I am certain they yearn for raised hands with all their inquisitiveness. The teachers cannot be forgotten in all of this either.

The daily struggle doesn’t need to be that if you savor things and show gratitude. Slow down and look around you. Take pride in going slow and doing it so fine when you are done you feel proud and smile. Take a breath, tell someone how much they mean to you, thank the sun for showing up to brighten your day.

This week I made a promise to myself I was going to get up early and try to work out, of course I am beating myself up over it because the first two days of the week the sleep wasn’t there. Both my husband and I slept so terrible Sunday and Monday night. So, slept in and no work out. I am annoyed with me. HOWEVER…I said at least I need to be organized about my week and be productive. So Monday was groceries and post the menu on the fridge. Then being drained from that I went to my bullet journal and worked on my savings chart page. A bullet journal is a great little way to organize your thoughts and goals or track things like your moods. I have a page that is A Year in Pixels, it has a code with colors and each day gets a color depending upon the feelings for that day, and then in one year I can see just how I felt most of the time. Should be interesting. I have a page with a sun and room to list things that I love. I have the savings tracker page, which is various things we are saving for. This journal is something that can be done daily or when you feel like tending to it. Check them out, there is a ton of suggestions on Pinterest. Today I moved rocks to the backyard for a garden around the oak tree. I also started all my seed, albeit very late, but they are started. Zinnias and sunflowers and some other odd ball things.

We just can’t be too hard on ourselves right now because nothing in our world is normal. It won’t be for quite sometime. If we can just roll with it and savor the moments, we will be all that better on the other side. Everyday has a silver lining, every week has a rainbow, every month has a tide. Preserver, press on, you got this, we got this.

time heals all wounds?

The Renovator

They say that time heals all wounds, right? You’ve heard that, surely. Maybe it just gives us some time to think about changing the right of importance of things in our mind. I don’t feel like some of my wounds are healed. So much time has passed since my last post. Life got busy and it was a much needed sort of distraction. Many, many things have happened. One child graduated form high school. The other one is moving into high school. Big milestones, decisions on college, and working and then not working. Got a new cat as one cat was getting really sick, not planned that way at all. the universe throws things at you left and right and it is true about how you react to things and your stress level. That all takes practice though. A curve ball is a curve ball.

My job is wonderful. It was weird for sure working for two months and then being able to be off for the summer. A gift from the universe that I truly appreciated. I find such joy and take such pride that my job provided our family with some wonderful benefits. I enjoy going there everyday, seeing the kids and feeling the energy in the building. Bonus is seeing my kids. Last year I got to see my daughter during the day and sometimes ride to work with her, and now I get to see my son some days. The chaos of the end of the school year is something I am grateful to have experienced. Then in September I get to see a new chaos of the beginning….lol.

We got a new kitten in May. I flew to Dallas to get her and spent a few days at the cattery. We found out the week I was supposed to fly down that our other male cat was very sick. We were contemplating canceling the kitten and the flight. Would that change the circumstances? Would that heal the cat? Nope. An old friend from high school gave me some of her frequent flyer miles, if it weren’t for that, we never could’ve pulled this off. I am eternally grateful for her generosity and kindness. It was a great trip. Saw lots of kittens and went to a wonderful Buddhist temple. Prayed and soaked up some much needed zen. I felt lighter when I returned home.

The male cat is very ill. He most likely has cancer. He is young and it’s heart breaking. Somethings just happen like that. We have had three dogs and 2 cats in our lifetime of being together that have had cancer. One of the dogs we got as an older puppy and she was about 2 when she started being sick. They thought she had a bladder infection and started treatment for it. We were scheduled to go on vacation in the middle of her treatment and had a dog sitter coming. We got a text after being on vacation for a week when we were on our way home that she was having trouble standing up. When we arrived home it was a whirlwind trip to the veterinary ER. We were shocked at all the tests she needed and started a fundraiser for the pup. In the end she never came home from the ER after a few days, it was determined she had a brain tumor. I love that damn dog. She always carried someones shoe around in her mouth and would snap her jaw to talk to you while you fixed dinner and she stood next to you. She most likely had that from birth. I am sure that this cat we have most likely had his since then as well. Looking back on the dog she had odd signs of something wrong. The cat has been odd not quite form day one but sometimes after getting comfortable he began odd behavior. So…the beat goes on? Are these things that we just have to learn to roll with? I still haven’t healed form losing the catahoula to spleen cancer back in the fall. I yearn for her velvety ears and leathery belly skin. I yearn for her to nudge my hand with her nose on the couch and I yearn for her big catahoula hugs like I yearn for chocolate. Owning pets is not easy. But man you signed up to there there until the end and the end is never pretty, but you just have to do what you signed up for. The worst day of owning a pet is the last day.

It’s more pain when you get the social media memories pop up of starting your business or expanding your business. Some days I look, while other days I skip over them. Does that give me the ability to heal from this? My daughter wanted to talk about what the other person is doing with the company now and how she dislikes it. It was a rough few minutes and my husband had to leave the room. It’s utterly painful. This month marks a year since we put the whole place up for sale. However within that year there was so much trauma that how could we heal from anything, we just kept getting knocked down right as we got back up. Trying to maneuver our way through this grief is going to take strategic planning, kids gloves and a lot of time. Because it was such a huge part of our lives for eight years.

All of this stuff, just everything has given me a chance to look deeply at things. I look at everything I see with different eyes now. I stop and look at the shades of blue in the sky in awe of it’s vast infinity. I look at the shapes of the clouds and appreciate their curves. I love to see the morning doves walking down my street in pairs. I take every visit form a cardinal very seriously. I take every moment I get with my kids and savor it. Same with my husband. I am thankful for the blades of grass I walk on to get to the patio my son built. Take nothing for granted, be grateful for everything, smile along the way. This journey over the past year has been such an eye opening experience.

Over the past few days I have been thinking about what I wanted to write when I got the chance. I had so many thoughts and comments. Fleeting I guess. If you take away anything it is that life can be cruel, unkind and it is never fair. However, you have the ability to be in control of how you react and how you feel about and towards all of the things that life throws your way. There is no perfect way of doing this and my god it takes practice like you’ve never practiced anything in your life. If you can teach yourself to get through and appreciate the things around you both small and large, you will feel like a different person on the other side. I suppose it’s like climbing a mountain in thick fog. There is a rope along the trail, you can hold it, or you can use your hands to get to the top. If the rope is there, why not use it. If the clouds are there why not appreciate them. If the birds are singing why not listen to them. Slow down and appreciate what is around you, it will get you through some tough shit.

Take a deep breath in your nose….keep going a little more….blow it out your mouth very slowly and with purpose. Do this five times in a row. See how you feel. Practice this. Practice kindness, practice gratitude, practice joy in simplicity. Find your rope and when you reach the top of your mountain, shout out and be proud that you’ve done it.

Now if I could get some positive juju from anyone reading this, my husband is waiting to hear about a huge opportunity. He has been waiting for several weeks now. This is a lesson in patience. I keep sending it out the the universe that this would be a wonderful gift, for him to seize this opportunity. Hey universe…can you hear me?

Joy and peace to you all-

Never stop climbing, and never stop shouting once you get to the top.