change

The Bottom of Resilience

The Renovator

Odd title I know. It’s been a minute, I know. Honestly I haven’t been ok and couldn’t figure out how to fix myself. Another odd thing, I know. Remember waaay back many posts ago when there was music but not the usual music with words, it was too much for my head. I have been trying to medicate with some music, it has actually given me comfort to hear the words again. I still resort to the classical at times but music helps you relate. I decided to turn off the TV this am and write, it was kind of an assignment to journal. Since this is basically my journal, I thought ok…I needed to do better on here anyways.

So I put on an old favorite…Bastille. They have a song called The Weight of Living. Don’t we all feel that at some point? Sometimes it just gets heavy. Not even any one thing. I was trying to pinpoint what brought me to this point yesterday but the doctor I saw was right, I was going to break. I still don’t know why. I laid in bed this am with the rays of sun spilling through the curtains calling my name but I wanted them to go away. I think when it gets heavy it might not be one thing. The conclusion wasn’t there and I don’t even need it really. I wasn’t right. I haven’t been right for a few months and couldn’t put my finger on it. Couldn’t explain it to anyone, couldn’t find the words. Then words entered my ears, “I am taking you out of work”. My soul took the biggest deep breath. For months I felt like I was being bombarded. But, by what? I have no fucking clue. It wasn’t home, it wasn’t work, it wasn’t school, it wasn’t relationships. Life, like the song says, the weight of living. This is a redo, a start over, a detox, a new beginning, a fresh spring. Sounds cheesy…I just got done taking a Human Relations Organizations class. My last paper was about our reactions and how we control them. How we must step back and look at the situation and try to see why the other person is being how they are. If we just automatically react to a situation that is the wrong way to go about things. Somewhere along the past few months I lost my way. I forgot how to do that? No, I think I forgot to apply. I also forgot to apply the old, let that shit go. The odd thing is that I don’t feel like I am carrying anything around, but yet I feel it. Most people would say that is a bunch of hocus pocus. It’s not. So I sit and type, and listen to music and cry and take deep breaths. How am I going to get myself back home? Not my house, I am in it. My home of myself. Slow and steady wins the race, eh…

Today I am grateful for so many things. My weighted blanket is my first thing I am grateful for today. I saw it on the top shelf of my bed last night and it was like I saw an old friend. Funny how pressure can make you feel like breaking but then actually the pressure of something can bring such relief. I made sure my kids got off to work and school and slept more even though the light was burning through the curtains. That blanket was a much needed weight. Let us never forget there is a light. Just like the song says. The second thing I am grateful for it my birdbath. Everyday I begin watching in the sunlight this robin coming for a drink and a bath. He takes such a bath I need to keep adding water. I see the mourning doves wandering, I see the cardinals in the tree. I love them. I look forward to sitting on the patio with all the chickadees , they are the best. The third thing I am grateful for the chance to begin. Everyday, every moment we get the chance to begin again. Sometimes our light gets dimmed, sometimes the flame goes out but the wick is still warm, and we just need a bit of help. Life is too good to feel that way. You can realize that there is a struggle and still cry, you can still curl up in a ball, but you also have to smile, and find the hope and challenge yourself. So here is the renovation, the challenge. It has to be gentle, it has to be thoughtful, it has to feel right.

Everything will be fine, let that shit go, focus on yourself. That stuff is really hard for a woman, mother, wife, hard worker to do. I thought I was doing a good job at self care, but looking now, I was just going. The days blended into the nights, to the point I didn’t want to get out of bed. I could cry at the drop of an anything. I was just going. It is a horrible feeling, I felt it once before but in a different way. What would the world be like if we all had a little bit of tenderness for each other? I think of the strangest things…but I wonder. Imagine if we all thought about the “next person”, or tried making life easier for each other…

Promise yourself, that you will take care of you. Promise yourself that you will be grateful, promise yourself you will be ok so you can be there for the people that matter. Promise yourself you are worth being ok. Promise yourself not to be too hard on you. Promise yourself to see all the good, to be the good, to find the positive. Promise yourself to be curious and try new things. Promise yourself to find your inner Ted Lasso, your inner Kathleen, your inner peace, your inner light. Promise yourself you will be back.

Resilience has two meanings but basically the same thing…to recover quickly or be tough, and the ability to spring back into shape. I guess we can look at it this way…even a tree needs a break? It loses it leaves and goes silent. The tulips bloom and go silent. The animals in the forest go silent. I am going silent to my surroundings for a bit. Not here, I need this. I am unplugging to plug in? I am unplugging form what is not important. We all need silence sometimes form ourselves as well as things around us. There is a line in Bastille song, ” New melodies rise up with the sun”, how much more truth can we get….I leave here with a Ted Lasso quote ( if you haven’t watched Ted, go, run, do it. It should be required by all humans)

“You know what the happiest animal on Earth is? It’s a goldfish. You know why? It’s got a 10-second memory.”

Be a goldfish.

What will your renovation be today?

check this out…https://www.mindful.org/5-ways-increase-happiness-daily-life/?utm_content=bufferea7c3&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=buffer&fbclid=IwAR26Gk1G-0h4qlDvyYTlK64dcizD0_7hjf8qlIsVUMpFGifZHKJJYvIqQWg

Don’t dream it’s over?

The Renovator

Surely you remember that song by Crowded House? Those were such great musical years…I urge you to go back and listen to the lyrics. Since I last posted there has been grave injustices in the United States. I do not want to talk about them here, but I must say I feel an immense need for change in this country the divide is getting bigger and this is not how America should be. My biggest hope is for peace and justice.

My last post included some chit chat about motivation. This past week I received some some less than desirable news from my doctor about my glucose level. I would have to be put on an oral medication (x’s2) and if you’ve read a post from way back you will know that I am not a fan of putting pills in my body. I really try to keep it natural, although lately I was thinking I might be a hypocrite because I will put a Reese’s BIG cup in my mouth without even thinking about it…I digress all the time. So, I said to the doctor…are you diagnosing me with something here??? He looked at me like I was 5. “Yes I am”. My mouth dropped. I saw things flying past me like cake and cookies and ice cream…My jaw must have hit the floor. My head hurt, I couldn’t breathe, I was hot. It didn’t help that I was wearing a face mask and have the hormonal shift going on too…can we cut a girl some slack here? So, I listened and left and cried. Then I started doing research…I am just right over the edge of normal, I can change this. He couldn’t stress enough that I need to lose weight. Yeah, thanks, I knew that, but maybe I needed to hear it from some man under his mask being all serious and telling me I can do it. Kudos to the nurse, she could tell I was shitting bricks on the table. She gave me so many kind words, “you got this, it’s a blip on the radar, not a life sentence”

Renovations on life have begun. This is probably the biggest renovation I’ve ever done. This means getting back on the cardio bandwagon I fell off of a few weeks ago when we got a new dog. This means planning meals and buying ZERO junk. I have two teenagers, how long can I go before I have to buy cheese it’s again? I love cheese it’s, with some peanuts. Oh god. I’ve been eating berries by the boat load and avocados left and right. I am kind of combining keto and low carb high fat and some general diabetic rules with intermittent fasting. One day a week I will attempt to do a water and juice fast. That’s coming up this week. I have learned to be hungry. It’s been two weeks since I saw the doctor. I have probably lost 5 pounds. The medicine upsets your stomach too and you might spend some extra time in the bathroom. Are you kidding me? I looked right at him…So over the past two weeks I have beat myself up with words like- you did this to yourself, why did you et that you weren’t hungry, you are what you eat…Mostly I did this to myself. Today I felt like that was hurtful. This is quite an emotional roller coaster. I have to take it in baby steps because it is making me emotional. I asked a friend about it, I said, “Did it make you angry?” “Does it still make you angry?” He confirmed with a resounding YES. Then mentioned how he wanted pizza one day and went and pouted in his room for the evening.

What have I learned over the past two weeks…to be hungry. If you want something it’s going to be painful achieving it. Physical or mental pain, it’s all inevitable if you want to achieve a goal. I haven’t set a goal yet other than to lose weight by the time of my next doctor appointment in July. I have learned to be hungry a lot of the time. It’s making my body work. It’s damn annoying but there is always lemon water and iced black tea for a quick fill up. How am I keeping up with all this? I have two apps that I log my meals and exercise in everyday. If I forget I get reminders at night. I have to change my thoughts on food. I have to renovate my feelings on or with food. For my whole life I have used food to assist me in my feelings. I cannot do that anymore so I have decided not to have feelings. Ahahaha….kidding. Really though, I am not morbidly obese, I am an average person, but categorically I would be obese. I had two kids and never lost the weight. So I have only myself to be accountable.

Hunger makes you think. I recall an old Donahue show, (god I miss that man’s show!) there were two women who lost a TON of weight. I mean they lost entire people with their weight loss journey. The one thing that always resonated with me was that they said they knew in their heads what they should be eating but sometimes our brains over take us. The one big takeaway…learn to be hungry. It’s ok to be hungry. I am learning…It’s ok to be hungry. I suppose like anything else in life all the renovation will get easier with time but for now it’s hard, I am angry at me, and I want to go pout for a while. So I came here instead to do something productive. Since I cannot find anything to satisfy my creative mind and hands at the moment.

So, let’s renovate the hell out of this….

Be well, stay true, be a voice of change, VOTE.

New & Change.

The Renovator

Well, it’s done. All that waiting I was doing back in the first post, it’s all done. The sale of the real estate finally went through. It still feels odd. I feel relieved, I feel a tiny bit empty, I feel a tiny bit lost, I feel joy that I don’t have to listen for my cell phone to ring saying the alarm went off. I feel guilty for feeling relief. I feel relief. I feel anger and I am scared at the debt we face. This is just compounded now thought because we are both without jobs and getting ready to send one of our kids to college. I have applied for work back in the operating room. He has 168 resumes out since March 16th. He’s had some interviews, many rejections, and a few things hopefully panning out in the next couple of weeks. We are hoping for options to sit and weigh out.

It’s like our life was on a table and someone came a long and threw it up in the air. We have been through similar circumstances. We’ve been through him losing a job and getting laid off before a couple of times. Companies are always downsizing or shifting sales forces around. This time with the shop and it closing and the loss within our household it’s such an upheaval. I am confident it will settle down and we will all feel whole again.

I really want to create again. I want to go sit at my bench and make some sterling silver bobbles or make some kind of cool chains or rings. I sat there the other day and ended up just fiddling around and mostly staring at all my things. I need a few tools to make something new that I have tried. That’s not an option. I can’t buy the tools. So, I decided to write. I tried looking up info on meta tags and how they help a blog. I couldn’t focus on that. I guess today isn’t the day for any of that stuff. Sometimes I just think my brain just can’t do it because it wants to do nothing. What do you think? Ever feel like your brain just needs a break, to breath I guess I’ve been distracted here as I write this. Robins in the rain outside. Itches in my ears. Music playing. Crinkling in my neck. When I feel this way it’s like my brain is fighting with itself. Want to focus, can’t focus.

In other renovations…I am managing to keep my fiddle leaf fig tree alive. I’ve had it for a few months now…got some brown spots and little dry on the edges of the leaves. I was told it would be easy to take care of, but the more I read about them the more I see they are finicky and infant like. Meanwhile my favorite jade is dropping pieces like it’s snowing. Houseplants are a fun little hobby. The green makes me happy.

And now I have to make dinner…which I am grateful for.

Absorbing Distractions

The Renovator

When you have had a “day”, what do you do for yourself? I am surrounded by my dogs, one of my cats, in my flannel pajamas and decided to write. I need to do this. I need to do this for me, to get it out of my head, to try to organize my mind and thoughts. I like background noise or distraction too, for when I need to stop and take a breath and look up. When I need a distraction it has to be something half interesting to me…This is a pretty cool show. Flavorful Origins, check it out. I find that these distractions, whether I am writing or need it during the day while I do other tasks, they soothe me. They sooth the chaos that runs rampant in my mind. Sometimes I feel it coursing through my veins. Today started out fine, in fact it was all great until about later afternoon. Why did I have to check business email before I went into Target? Why? Two emails that frustrated me to the point that if there was anyone near the car they would’ve heard me yelling. What came out of my mouth wasn’t positive. Normally it would’ve been curse words as I swear like a well versed truck driver or sailor. It was not. Frankly I don’t even want to write what I said but I feel it will help you, the reader understand the whole picture and maybe feel the frustrations. “I hate them all.” I yelled it more than three times. Why was I even counting while I was yelling, then I lost count. This past week I have needed multiple distractions just to have background while I try to concentrate on something. It’s been audio books, podcasts, and all kinds of music. I generally end up putting on familiar cello music. The cello soothes me like nothing else. I cannot wait to put more of the story on this blog. It gives me something to focus on when things don’t seem to be moving or I get annoying emails that are repetitive and asking for things that don’t make sense. This will all be done soon, there is sun on the horizon. This is not going to be the rest of my life, I will not let this define me. I will grow and change from all of this. Some days are hard and you have to eat a do-nut though. Swear on sailors.


Bearing the storm.

The Renovator

The last post was about waiting. I am still waiting. This time it’s different. I truly feel like there has been a storm around me or following me since I don’t even know, back in 2018 at some point. I was thinking back yesterday to a time when it might have began. Our business was shifting and changing and there was shifts and changes around the outside of that. The exterior shifts regarding the business seemed to bring a lot of, shall we say, “bad air”. I tried to ignore them, I tried sage. I tried the power of positivity. It felt like they were all cheap band-aids. It felt like when you get in a pool as a kid with a cut and you have a band-aid on it and then it’s all soggy and falling off when you get out. I felt like your fingers when you stay too long in the bathtub. You know, they get all wrinkly form being in the water too long. I cannot pinpoint a specific time when the cloud came or when the storm started and it’s pointless. The business was sold and the building is in the midst of being sold. The business and it’s equipment were gone a couple weeks ago. I powered through that day until I had to take down some art on the wall. I felt this art was no long applicable to me, and it was part of the business. So, I gave it to the buyer and she cried. Then I cried. She feels bad, but is grateful for the opportunity at the same time. I can actually understand that, and I think she can understand my side too. She has been a business owner longer than I and I am sure she can think about what if it all came to a crashing end? The waiting was for things to be locked, sealed, finalized, papers signed…all of that. I think we have caught up on all of that. There are a few small details we are waiting for, title and closing date. This has me thinking forward, which we should not do. We, as humans have so much trouble living right here. The amygdala always taking us away to our past or taking us ahead in time to the future. That crazy little thing in our brain is a real pain in the ass. I was thinking ahead. I was thinking about the day when I would not have to get up and get ready to ” go to work”. I was thinking about this day and it was giving me such anxiety. I shook my head as if a dog shakes after his bath, to try to get it out of my head. It sort of worked because I had other things to deal with this week. (We are in a storm here, remember…) Honestly, though, what will I do that first day when I have no where to go? What will I do? That place was a creation of love and peace. It was a place of happiness and devotion. It was ours. Our blood,sweat, tears, passion, pain, anger, love, all those things and more were weaved into it. The loss we have experienced in our home in the past six months has been almost unbearable. Someone asked me this week how I was even standing up. I was asking myself that same question. The loss this week was raw and unbearable because of the stress we were already under. Now, the waiting I do, is for this storm to pass. It has to go. Maybe the day I am so full of anxiety over is the end of the storm? What do I do to keep my sanity through all of this? You are probably wondering about the storm and the kinds of precipitation it has brought to my life. I will share it. My time right now is precious and minutes are few. I keep hearing people tell me to take care of myself, I am a Sagittarius. I try to find time for myself to create but I am struggling with that. It’s blocked, probably from all the stress. So, I either listen to audio books, podcasts, or this. I thought, at least if I can get it out of my head I could get myself into a better place. Here’s to the amygdala and working against it…peace out, be back soon.

life is full of waiting

The Renovator

Have you been waiting? Waiting for someone, or something. Something leaves a very big window for waiting. I remember waiting back in 2011 in an office for a chef coat. I remember waiting for the class to start. I also remember waiting for the big opening day. That waiting doesn’t compare to the waiting lately for sure.

In 2010 my husband and I decided we wanted to start our own business. It was our dream to own something together. It was our dream to work side by side with each other in this. It was our dream to make this business what gave our family income or paid for college or paid our bills or paid for family vacations. This was our hopes and dreams. We had a few business ideas. An American made mountain bike company was an option we looked into. A unique line of running clothes for women, which if you saw the designs…you’d be in line waiting…a doggy day care and a doggy wash center, like a laundromat but for dogs. They all would’ve been a wonderful adventure, for the mere fact that I would be by the man that I love with my whole being. We chose to open a unique little store that was food related and was high end. I went to culinary school and learned a little about the trade and the rest I taught myself. He had the big business degree. We had two little kids at the time and they were eager to help.

Your typical person probably doesn’t know what goes into starting a business, I had no idea but I was about to find out. Waiting for the banks, waiting for the permits, waiting for the contractors who are seemingly never on time. Waiting for paint to dry in the 480 square foot space we would call home for almost five years. After I painted I was waiting for the carpel tunnel to go away, turns out you need not wait, it gets worse. (and by now if you haven’t caught on I always carry a twang of sarcasm with me) Then somehow we were waiting for the people on opening day. I can remember how exhausted we were. It was right up there with new born baby exhaustion. I can also recall the excitement and drive we had back then. We were giddy to have people come to see the place and the items we created. The day came and went like the typical Christmas morning flash. We went home and began again the next day. This was in the early fall of 2011. We had no idea what was coming down the pike, and looking back now, I am proud of us.

Our plan was for me to work in the shop and for my husband to work his regular job for a certain number of years until we were able to get income from our business. We had two little kids and we had bills at home and also a need for quality healthcare. So there was a plan. In late fall my husband was laid off. This began one of the scariest times in our life. He put most of his time into finding another job. He is in a very competitive industry and at the time many companies were laying off so the pool of people looking for jobs was flooded. He worked for over two months to find a job, also worked with me in the shop. I am not good at recalling time periods of events like this that happened specifically in my household, it’s probably a coping mechanism. He didn’t get a job for several months after he was laid off. It was devastating to him. I knew he would find another. He did. It was a true gift. This gift had on exception. It only provided us with half of what he was making before. These are the things that no one sees. These are the things that no one talks about. All this while, we had just opened our own business. We took out bank loans and regrettably took out, well, lets say we took out an amount equal to a nice three row SUV( with all the bells and whistles) out of his retirement. In another post I will tell you NOT to do that. Things were getting tight at home. The business was at a spot where it was doing okay, but not enough to give us any money at that stage in the game. We ended up refinancing our house. Which actually looking at the mortgage balance now wasn’t such a bad thing. He eventually found another company and got a way better paying job. We went on with our life and our business.

But wait, there is more. This blog will be the rest of our story. The days, months, and years leading up to this day right now waiting. Waiting. This waiting is nothing compared to waiting I have done in the past. So I will leave you with this…

If you must wait, clear your head. Think clean thoughts. Say kind words. Think about what you are waiting for in a positive way, let no negativity in. stay tuned and lets see if it works.