breathe

Sunday Mornings

The Renovator

Good morning, the earth begins by giving you the rays of sun. Then you are given the breeze blowing through the tree limbs. Listen carefully, the next gift is the song of the trees sung by the birds. I love Sundays. Usually Sunday morning, we sleep in and get up and have coffee while we watch Sunday Morning on CBS. Today is a little different. There is a local run here my husband does, he’s been dong it for years, since the kids were little and used to run at the end over the finish line with him. He got up and off he went, I stayed in bed and snuggled the dog (because he told me too, I like to be at the finish line). Then the cat wanted me up but took some petting in the bed as enough to quiet down. I laid there and thought, and didn’t think and tried to feel my body and not feel it at the same time.

When I write a post I tend to read the one I wrote previously, unless I know it would choke me up and then I might not read the whole thing. So, this morning I thought I would read what I posted the other day. Jesus Momma, what happened….It was aaalll over the map, but honestly it reflects how bad I feel. I think my mental capacity was being pushed by all the feeling crappy, over the past 3 months I do not like how it has changed, it is not me. Like I said, I kept thinking it was peri-menopause…but it was getting worse. If I can urge you to do anything, it’s speak up for yourself. If you aren’t feeling well, seek help until someone listens. Only you know your body and how you feel and for me it was months of looking in the mirror not seeing myself. I thought I looked sick, I felt sick. Our medical system is not made for you to walk in the doctor office and say things like that. It’s a bit sad for those of us that are in-tune with our bodies and want to be part of a team taking on health issues instead of just being told what to do. I have always been an independent thinker, I have always asked why, it’s my favorite question and it really irritates people, I know, but it’s me. I am a Sagittarius, I shall say no more, and if you think the stars and signs have no affect on us, wrong again… everything in your body is linked together, everything in the universe is linked together including how it reacts with us and our systems. I digress…all the time…

The bloodwork. The waiting. The decisions. Ugh. I did a little reading last night after I could partially digest what I was told. How did this all happen? In my brain it’s flying like a banner on a plane over the beach when you’re on vacation. It shocked me, it scared me, but it is also making me think. How can I do better, how can I be better, with the exception that I thought I was doing ok. AlI I know is, I fell the last Thursday in January and I have not felt the same since then. Last week I decided I was going to kind of give my body a break, from all the meds and the supplements with the exception of a daily vitamin and some tumeric (curcumin) for my knee, and any other inflammation at this point. Today I had my collagen in some coconut milk and that was wonderful. Last night we had turkey burgers with pineapple on them and I had a large helping of wilted spinach. I enjoyed the look of the food on the plate, I enjoyed the flavors on my tongue. Sometimes you have to really slow things down…

How does the robin know I am sitting at the table, so then it comes to take a bath? Sometimes it just sits there too, its feet in the water, looking around, taking a moment. I can tell you this, our world has been bombarded for almost three years now. Whether you realize it or not it puts us all into some form of fight or flight, this is not good for our bodies. I truly hope for an end to all of this for everyone, I hope everyone can find more peaceful days.

Today, my gratitude extends to the sky. That sun today is amazing. I sit at the table in the dining room and the kitchen is behind me with all the rays leaning in calling my name. They reach for me and they yearn for me to come and bathe in them. I am grateful for the opportunity to be still, even though it is incredibly hard for me to do, I need to be still. There is beauty in each day, the leaves are emerging from the branches of trees, the babies animals are emerging from the forests, the birds are building their little communities again. There was an interesting section in the book 12 Rules for Life by Jordan Peterson. He speaks about the birds in the trees and how we hear song and think it’s this beautiful sound, but really they are calling their mates, or announcing their territories or sending out messages to other birds. I urge you to listen very carefully to their songs. The cardinal has many different tones and variations. The chickadee does too. Funny the chickadees are so flitty, I always wonder if they have anxiety….the bluejays have even more unique tones. So, the sun calls, it call for me and it calls for you. The wind carries messages of peace and breath for us, an urges us to relax and let go and just be.

Today’s quote from Ted Lasso should really make you think...”It’s funny to think about the things in your life that can make you cry just knowing that they existed, can then become the same thing that make you cry knowing that they’re now gone.”

Now, if you will excuse me, I am going to put on sweat pants, sit and bathe in the sun and play my tongue drum. I dug it out a couple weeks ago and I am sure the birds would love some music.

New & Change.

The Renovator

Well, it’s done. All that waiting I was doing back in the first post, it’s all done. The sale of the real estate finally went through. It still feels odd. I feel relieved, I feel a tiny bit empty, I feel a tiny bit lost, I feel joy that I don’t have to listen for my cell phone to ring saying the alarm went off. I feel guilty for feeling relief. I feel relief. I feel anger and I am scared at the debt we face. This is just compounded now thought because we are both without jobs and getting ready to send one of our kids to college. I have applied for work back in the operating room. He has 168 resumes out since March 16th. He’s had some interviews, many rejections, and a few things hopefully panning out in the next couple of weeks. We are hoping for options to sit and weigh out.

It’s like our life was on a table and someone came a long and threw it up in the air. We have been through similar circumstances. We’ve been through him losing a job and getting laid off before a couple of times. Companies are always downsizing or shifting sales forces around. This time with the shop and it closing and the loss within our household it’s such an upheaval. I am confident it will settle down and we will all feel whole again.

I really want to create again. I want to go sit at my bench and make some sterling silver bobbles or make some kind of cool chains or rings. I sat there the other day and ended up just fiddling around and mostly staring at all my things. I need a few tools to make something new that I have tried. That’s not an option. I can’t buy the tools. So, I decided to write. I tried looking up info on meta tags and how they help a blog. I couldn’t focus on that. I guess today isn’t the day for any of that stuff. Sometimes I just think my brain just can’t do it because it wants to do nothing. What do you think? Ever feel like your brain just needs a break, to breath I guess I’ve been distracted here as I write this. Robins in the rain outside. Itches in my ears. Music playing. Crinkling in my neck. When I feel this way it’s like my brain is fighting with itself. Want to focus, can’t focus.

In other renovations…I am managing to keep my fiddle leaf fig tree alive. I’ve had it for a few months now…got some brown spots and little dry on the edges of the leaves. I was told it would be easy to take care of, but the more I read about them the more I see they are finicky and infant like. Meanwhile my favorite jade is dropping pieces like it’s snowing. Houseplants are a fun little hobby. The green makes me happy.

And now I have to make dinner…which I am grateful for.

Absorbing Distractions

The Renovator

When you have had a “day”, what do you do for yourself? I am surrounded by my dogs, one of my cats, in my flannel pajamas and decided to write. I need to do this. I need to do this for me, to get it out of my head, to try to organize my mind and thoughts. I like background noise or distraction too, for when I need to stop and take a breath and look up. When I need a distraction it has to be something half interesting to me…This is a pretty cool show. Flavorful Origins, check it out. I find that these distractions, whether I am writing or need it during the day while I do other tasks, they soothe me. They sooth the chaos that runs rampant in my mind. Sometimes I feel it coursing through my veins. Today started out fine, in fact it was all great until about later afternoon. Why did I have to check business email before I went into Target? Why? Two emails that frustrated me to the point that if there was anyone near the car they would’ve heard me yelling. What came out of my mouth wasn’t positive. Normally it would’ve been curse words as I swear like a well versed truck driver or sailor. It was not. Frankly I don’t even want to write what I said but I feel it will help you, the reader understand the whole picture and maybe feel the frustrations. “I hate them all.” I yelled it more than three times. Why was I even counting while I was yelling, then I lost count. This past week I have needed multiple distractions just to have background while I try to concentrate on something. It’s been audio books, podcasts, and all kinds of music. I generally end up putting on familiar cello music. The cello soothes me like nothing else. I cannot wait to put more of the story on this blog. It gives me something to focus on when things don’t seem to be moving or I get annoying emails that are repetitive and asking for things that don’t make sense. This will all be done soon, there is sun on the horizon. This is not going to be the rest of my life, I will not let this define me. I will grow and change from all of this. Some days are hard and you have to eat a do-nut though. Swear on sailors.


Bearing the storm.

The Renovator

The last post was about waiting. I am still waiting. This time it’s different. I truly feel like there has been a storm around me or following me since I don’t even know, back in 2018 at some point. I was thinking back yesterday to a time when it might have began. Our business was shifting and changing and there was shifts and changes around the outside of that. The exterior shifts regarding the business seemed to bring a lot of, shall we say, “bad air”. I tried to ignore them, I tried sage. I tried the power of positivity. It felt like they were all cheap band-aids. It felt like when you get in a pool as a kid with a cut and you have a band-aid on it and then it’s all soggy and falling off when you get out. I felt like your fingers when you stay too long in the bathtub. You know, they get all wrinkly form being in the water too long. I cannot pinpoint a specific time when the cloud came or when the storm started and it’s pointless. The business was sold and the building is in the midst of being sold. The business and it’s equipment were gone a couple weeks ago. I powered through that day until I had to take down some art on the wall. I felt this art was no long applicable to me, and it was part of the business. So, I gave it to the buyer and she cried. Then I cried. She feels bad, but is grateful for the opportunity at the same time. I can actually understand that, and I think she can understand my side too. She has been a business owner longer than I and I am sure she can think about what if it all came to a crashing end? The waiting was for things to be locked, sealed, finalized, papers signed…all of that. I think we have caught up on all of that. There are a few small details we are waiting for, title and closing date. This has me thinking forward, which we should not do. We, as humans have so much trouble living right here. The amygdala always taking us away to our past or taking us ahead in time to the future. That crazy little thing in our brain is a real pain in the ass. I was thinking ahead. I was thinking about the day when I would not have to get up and get ready to ” go to work”. I was thinking about this day and it was giving me such anxiety. I shook my head as if a dog shakes after his bath, to try to get it out of my head. It sort of worked because I had other things to deal with this week. (We are in a storm here, remember…) Honestly, though, what will I do that first day when I have no where to go? What will I do? That place was a creation of love and peace. It was a place of happiness and devotion. It was ours. Our blood,sweat, tears, passion, pain, anger, love, all those things and more were weaved into it. The loss we have experienced in our home in the past six months has been almost unbearable. Someone asked me this week how I was even standing up. I was asking myself that same question. The loss this week was raw and unbearable because of the stress we were already under. Now, the waiting I do, is for this storm to pass. It has to go. Maybe the day I am so full of anxiety over is the end of the storm? What do I do to keep my sanity through all of this? You are probably wondering about the storm and the kinds of precipitation it has brought to my life. I will share it. My time right now is precious and minutes are few. I keep hearing people tell me to take care of myself, I am a Sagittarius. I try to find time for myself to create but I am struggling with that. It’s blocked, probably from all the stress. So, I either listen to audio books, podcasts, or this. I thought, at least if I can get it out of my head I could get myself into a better place. Here’s to the amygdala and working against it…peace out, be back soon.

life is full of waiting

The Renovator

Have you been waiting? Waiting for someone, or something. Something leaves a very big window for waiting. I remember waiting back in 2011 in an office for a chef coat. I remember waiting for the class to start. I also remember waiting for the big opening day. That waiting doesn’t compare to the waiting lately for sure.

In 2010 my husband and I decided we wanted to start our own business. It was our dream to own something together. It was our dream to work side by side with each other in this. It was our dream to make this business what gave our family income or paid for college or paid our bills or paid for family vacations. This was our hopes and dreams. We had a few business ideas. An American made mountain bike company was an option we looked into. A unique line of running clothes for women, which if you saw the designs…you’d be in line waiting…a doggy day care and a doggy wash center, like a laundromat but for dogs. They all would’ve been a wonderful adventure, for the mere fact that I would be by the man that I love with my whole being. We chose to open a unique little store that was food related and was high end. I went to culinary school and learned a little about the trade and the rest I taught myself. He had the big business degree. We had two little kids at the time and they were eager to help.

Your typical person probably doesn’t know what goes into starting a business, I had no idea but I was about to find out. Waiting for the banks, waiting for the permits, waiting for the contractors who are seemingly never on time. Waiting for paint to dry in the 480 square foot space we would call home for almost five years. After I painted I was waiting for the carpel tunnel to go away, turns out you need not wait, it gets worse. (and by now if you haven’t caught on I always carry a twang of sarcasm with me) Then somehow we were waiting for the people on opening day. I can remember how exhausted we were. It was right up there with new born baby exhaustion. I can also recall the excitement and drive we had back then. We were giddy to have people come to see the place and the items we created. The day came and went like the typical Christmas morning flash. We went home and began again the next day. This was in the early fall of 2011. We had no idea what was coming down the pike, and looking back now, I am proud of us.

Our plan was for me to work in the shop and for my husband to work his regular job for a certain number of years until we were able to get income from our business. We had two little kids and we had bills at home and also a need for quality healthcare. So there was a plan. In late fall my husband was laid off. This began one of the scariest times in our life. He put most of his time into finding another job. He is in a very competitive industry and at the time many companies were laying off so the pool of people looking for jobs was flooded. He worked for over two months to find a job, also worked with me in the shop. I am not good at recalling time periods of events like this that happened specifically in my household, it’s probably a coping mechanism. He didn’t get a job for several months after he was laid off. It was devastating to him. I knew he would find another. He did. It was a true gift. This gift had on exception. It only provided us with half of what he was making before. These are the things that no one sees. These are the things that no one talks about. All this while, we had just opened our own business. We took out bank loans and regrettably took out, well, lets say we took out an amount equal to a nice three row SUV( with all the bells and whistles) out of his retirement. In another post I will tell you NOT to do that. Things were getting tight at home. The business was at a spot where it was doing okay, but not enough to give us any money at that stage in the game. We ended up refinancing our house. Which actually looking at the mortgage balance now wasn’t such a bad thing. He eventually found another company and got a way better paying job. We went on with our life and our business.

But wait, there is more. This blog will be the rest of our story. The days, months, and years leading up to this day right now waiting. Waiting. This waiting is nothing compared to waiting I have done in the past. So I will leave you with this…

If you must wait, clear your head. Think clean thoughts. Say kind words. Think about what you are waiting for in a positive way, let no negativity in. stay tuned and lets see if it works.