They say that time heals all wounds, right? You’ve heard that, surely. Maybe it just gives us some time to think about changing the right of importance of things in our mind. I don’t feel like some of my wounds are healed. So much time has passed since my last post. Life got busy and it was a much needed sort of distraction. Many, many things have happened. One child graduated form high school. The other one is moving into high school. Big milestones, decisions on college, and working and then not working. Got a new cat as one cat was getting really sick, not planned that way at all. the universe throws things at you left and right and it is true about how you react to things and your stress level. That all takes practice though. A curve ball is a curve ball.
My job is wonderful. It was weird for sure working for two months and then being able to be off for the summer. A gift from the universe that I truly appreciated. I find such joy and take such pride that my job provided our family with some wonderful benefits. I enjoy going there everyday, seeing the kids and feeling the energy in the building. Bonus is seeing my kids. Last year I got to see my daughter during the day and sometimes ride to work with her, and now I get to see my son some days. The chaos of the end of the school year is something I am grateful to have experienced. Then in September I get to see a new chaos of the beginning….lol.
We got a new kitten in May. I flew to Dallas to get her and spent a few days at the cattery. We found out the week I was supposed to fly down that our other male cat was very sick. We were contemplating canceling the kitten and the flight. Would that change the circumstances? Would that heal the cat? Nope. An old friend from high school gave me some of her frequent flyer miles, if it weren’t for that, we never could’ve pulled this off. I am eternally grateful for her generosity and kindness. It was a great trip. Saw lots of kittens and went to a wonderful Buddhist temple. Prayed and soaked up some much needed zen. I felt lighter when I returned home.
The male cat is very ill. He most likely has cancer. He is young and it’s heart breaking. Somethings just happen like that. We have had three dogs and 2 cats in our lifetime of being together that have had cancer. One of the dogs we got as an older puppy and she was about 2 when she started being sick. They thought she had a bladder infection and started treatment for it. We were scheduled to go on vacation in the middle of her treatment and had a dog sitter coming. We got a text after being on vacation for a week when we were on our way home that she was having trouble standing up. When we arrived home it was a whirlwind trip to the veterinary ER. We were shocked at all the tests she needed and started a fundraiser for the pup. In the end she never came home from the ER after a few days, it was determined she had a brain tumor. I love that damn dog. She always carried someones shoe around in her mouth and would snap her jaw to talk to you while you fixed dinner and she stood next to you. She most likely had that from birth. I am sure that this cat we have most likely had his since then as well. Looking back on the dog she had odd signs of something wrong. The cat has been odd not quite form day one but sometimes after getting comfortable he began odd behavior. So…the beat goes on? Are these things that we just have to learn to roll with? I still haven’t healed form losing the catahoula to spleen cancer back in the fall. I yearn for her velvety ears and leathery belly skin. I yearn for her to nudge my hand with her nose on the couch and I yearn for her big catahoula hugs like I yearn for chocolate. Owning pets is not easy. But man you signed up to there there until the end and the end is never pretty, but you just have to do what you signed up for. The worst day of owning a pet is the last day.
It’s more pain when you get the social media memories pop up of starting your business or expanding your business. Some days I look, while other days I skip over them. Does that give me the ability to heal from this? My daughter wanted to talk about what the other person is doing with the company now and how she dislikes it. It was a rough few minutes and my husband had to leave the room. It’s utterly painful. This month marks a year since we put the whole place up for sale. However within that year there was so much trauma that how could we heal from anything, we just kept getting knocked down right as we got back up. Trying to maneuver our way through this grief is going to take strategic planning, kids gloves and a lot of time. Because it was such a huge part of our lives for eight years.
All of this stuff, just everything has given me a chance to look deeply at things. I look at everything I see with different eyes now. I stop and look at the shades of blue in the sky in awe of it’s vast infinity. I look at the shapes of the clouds and appreciate their curves. I love to see the morning doves walking down my street in pairs. I take every visit form a cardinal very seriously. I take every moment I get with my kids and savor it. Same with my husband. I am thankful for the blades of grass I walk on to get to the patio my son built. Take nothing for granted, be grateful for everything, smile along the way. This journey over the past year has been such an eye opening experience.
Over the past few days I have been thinking about what I wanted to write when I got the chance. I had so many thoughts and comments. Fleeting I guess. If you take away anything it is that life can be cruel, unkind and it is never fair. However, you have the ability to be in control of how you react and how you feel about and towards all of the things that life throws your way. There is no perfect way of doing this and my god it takes practice like you’ve never practiced anything in your life. If you can teach yourself to get through and appreciate the things around you both small and large, you will feel like a different person on the other side. I suppose it’s like climbing a mountain in thick fog. There is a rope along the trail, you can hold it, or you can use your hands to get to the top. If the rope is there, why not use it. If the clouds are there why not appreciate them. If the birds are singing why not listen to them. Slow down and appreciate what is around you, it will get you through some tough shit.
Take a deep breath in your nose….keep going a little more….blow it out your mouth very slowly and with purpose. Do this five times in a row. See how you feel. Practice this. Practice kindness, practice gratitude, practice joy in simplicity. Find your rope and when you reach the top of your mountain, shout out and be proud that you’ve done it.
Now if I could get some positive juju from anyone reading this, my husband is waiting to hear about a huge opportunity. He has been waiting for several weeks now. This is a lesson in patience. I keep sending it out the the universe that this would be a wonderful gift, for him to seize this opportunity. Hey universe…can you hear me?
Joy and peace to you all-
