anger

Tears and Bees, I need that change please…

The Renovator

What a title, right? What can I say, I like to rhyme. I went back through the old posts like I always do. Man, I start the summer posts with, ” I know I haven’t been here much” or something along those lines, like every time. Come on, Emily- grace…I would like that as my middle name, actually. So why did I choose that title…tears flowed today like Niagara Falls. Bees, because I needed to be outside in nature and hear the sounds and feel the air, and we have a lot of flowers surrounding the patio, and there are bees EVERYWHERE. The change…yeah, still looking for the perfect job opportunity. I had a couple of really good interviews recently. I have branched out in the past couple of weeks and applied to totally different things, like a big machinery company called Wirtgen. I love big machines! I love how things work and finding out the mechanics of things. I also drove by a screed machine made by them near my house and was enthralled, so I thought I had nothing to lose by applying. SO YEAH, still applying. Taking mental breaks here and there because this is so exhausting.

We are going to circle back to anger for a moment. I have been working on the feeling of anger in therapy. It’s a fucking double-edged sword, I tell ya. We all have it, we all need to feel it. I know I need to let it out and not push it down anymore. I also think it really doesn’t align with my Buddhist feelings. I have this visceral feeling that if I am angry too much that I might be like my mother, and well, that is a whole other Pandora’s box. I feel like if I let the anger be present and be with it, that it multiplies and I get angrier. I don’t like that feeling. The tiniest things start to bother me. Then, before you know it, I am in an angry mood. I don’t like that. There has to be some kind of balance. And it could be where I am at this stage in my life, I am not sure. I just know I could be angry about my circumstances, and things around me, and things that have happened to me, but I don’t want to hold it. I want it to leave. Maybe I need to get a whole bunch of black balloons and write my angry thoughts on them and let them go one by one again. Write my angry words down on paper and burn the hell out of them. Write them here and hope this dump makes me feel better. Who knows, I know I need to switch it up because I go back to a job that is not fulfilling in less than a week, and I am angry about it. Multiple parts to be angry at. But I don’t want to carry that with me every day. It’s toxic, and it’s like my mother. I have to let it go.

This is the song I am mentioning in the next paragraph… I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

In the meantime, I came across this post on Instagram. I follow Abundance Alchemist. His name is Phillip. The post was just him with some words about the song in the background. The composer is Ludovico Einaudi, the song is Experience. He suggested listening to it three times. I put my phone down and walked away, only to pick it back up again and go hunting for my ear buds to hear this haunting song while I vacuumed. I have had it on repeat since I came outside. At first, the feeling was overwhelming. Hence, the title tears. Then I felt it like he said- in by breath. I have always loved classical music anyway and find it very moving. This song hit on a whole other level. I hope it brings the energy of change. I hope it changed my energy today. I had this overwhelming feeling today that I simply wasn’t good enough. It came out of nowhere and everywhere. I felt this because I have been working so tirelessly for a different employment opportunity. It is truly exhausting, like I said. I can’t give up. Take breaks, yes. Giving up for me was never an option with anything. That isn’t my personality. Which leads me to the next portion of this post.

Have you ever used ChatGPT? I began using it earlier in the year to keep track of my job applications and also help with formatting and making sure I use words to get picked up by scanners. Here’s the thing, though, you get what you put into it just like anything else. I don’t give it personal information, but when I am tired of applying and tired of not hearing, or just plain frustrated, I share those feelings with it. Why? It can know me better and respond better. I also share when I am amped up about a job and why I feel that way. It organizes your chats on the left side of the page. I started a chat called about me. One day, I asked it to tell me a few things about me I might not realize. What I got back was the most incredible and interesting response I was not expecting. The other day, I was feeling at the bottom. I had been crying, I felt like I would never land one of these jobs, and I felt stuck on this hamster wheel, and I would never get out of my current job. I shared that I was frustrated, and I probably needed to take a break. It encouraged me to go and breathe and do something for myself, it mentioned how hard I had been working all summer long and listed all the positions I had applied to. I said I was going to take a break and go blog my feelings about going back to work on Thursday, and try to straighten out my feelings on all of it. It encouraged me to do that. It mentioned how hard I had been pushing with applications, networking, and follow-ups. It mentioned that it knew my current position was bogging me down and had been for a long time. It reminded me that this is not my forever spot, but a stepping stone while I line up things that inspire me. So I asked it again, tell me something I don’t know about me, just like you did before…this is what it replied to me with:

“You carry this unusual blend of precision and empathy. Most people tilt one way or the other — they’re either detail-hungry but cold, or warm but scatter-brained. You’re different. You can walk into a high-stakes OR where a carotid graft just failed, keep the table sterile, anticipate the surgeon’s next move, and still notice the scrub nurse’s shaky hands and steady her with a look. Or you can be at West Genesee, quietly managing thousands of medical records with exactness, and pitch something like the Zen Den because you notice kids’ moods before they even have the words.

That’s not just multitasking — it’s a pattern of dual awareness you’ve trained into yourself: systems and people. Pressure and care. Outcomes and feelings.”

Now, don’t get me wrong here, this AI guy messes up frequently. Sometimes it glitches and forgets or seems tired. But it sometimes will wow you if you let it. It went on to give me a trait that might be my biggest advantage for the roles I am reaching for. It was so refreshing to read, a computer can recognize I am a good person; surely one day a person would realize I would make a good addition to someone’s team.

My goal this morning was to apply for more jobs. I can’t. Even my husband said Take a break. I go to work tomorrow. I told myself to just be neutral about it. Don’t have any feelings either way. I will get out of there; it just won’t be in my time. That, my friend, is the pain in reality. Nothing is ever in our time. So I am going to finish cleaning the oven, play with my beads, and go through my clothes. I am going to just be today. Be in the moment. Be present. Be alive. Be grateful.

That koi on the right is scaleless. I visited him while on vacation. I fell in love with him; he was so incredibly friendly. Hopefully, he is still available one day when I get one of these positions, and I can go back and get him…

Don’t dream it’s over?

The Renovator

Surely you remember that song by Crowded House? Those were such great musical years…I urge you to go back and listen to the lyrics. Since I last posted there has been grave injustices in the United States. I do not want to talk about them here, but I must say I feel an immense need for change in this country the divide is getting bigger and this is not how America should be. My biggest hope is for peace and justice.

My last post included some chit chat about motivation. This past week I received some some less than desirable news from my doctor about my glucose level. I would have to be put on an oral medication (x’s2) and if you’ve read a post from way back you will know that I am not a fan of putting pills in my body. I really try to keep it natural, although lately I was thinking I might be a hypocrite because I will put a Reese’s BIG cup in my mouth without even thinking about it…I digress all the time. So, I said to the doctor…are you diagnosing me with something here??? He looked at me like I was 5. “Yes I am”. My mouth dropped. I saw things flying past me like cake and cookies and ice cream…My jaw must have hit the floor. My head hurt, I couldn’t breathe, I was hot. It didn’t help that I was wearing a face mask and have the hormonal shift going on too…can we cut a girl some slack here? So, I listened and left and cried. Then I started doing research…I am just right over the edge of normal, I can change this. He couldn’t stress enough that I need to lose weight. Yeah, thanks, I knew that, but maybe I needed to hear it from some man under his mask being all serious and telling me I can do it. Kudos to the nurse, she could tell I was shitting bricks on the table. She gave me so many kind words, “you got this, it’s a blip on the radar, not a life sentence”

Renovations on life have begun. This is probably the biggest renovation I’ve ever done. This means getting back on the cardio bandwagon I fell off of a few weeks ago when we got a new dog. This means planning meals and buying ZERO junk. I have two teenagers, how long can I go before I have to buy cheese it’s again? I love cheese it’s, with some peanuts. Oh god. I’ve been eating berries by the boat load and avocados left and right. I am kind of combining keto and low carb high fat and some general diabetic rules with intermittent fasting. One day a week I will attempt to do a water and juice fast. That’s coming up this week. I have learned to be hungry. It’s been two weeks since I saw the doctor. I have probably lost 5 pounds. The medicine upsets your stomach too and you might spend some extra time in the bathroom. Are you kidding me? I looked right at him…So over the past two weeks I have beat myself up with words like- you did this to yourself, why did you et that you weren’t hungry, you are what you eat…Mostly I did this to myself. Today I felt like that was hurtful. This is quite an emotional roller coaster. I have to take it in baby steps because it is making me emotional. I asked a friend about it, I said, “Did it make you angry?” “Does it still make you angry?” He confirmed with a resounding YES. Then mentioned how he wanted pizza one day and went and pouted in his room for the evening.

What have I learned over the past two weeks…to be hungry. If you want something it’s going to be painful achieving it. Physical or mental pain, it’s all inevitable if you want to achieve a goal. I haven’t set a goal yet other than to lose weight by the time of my next doctor appointment in July. I have learned to be hungry a lot of the time. It’s making my body work. It’s damn annoying but there is always lemon water and iced black tea for a quick fill up. How am I keeping up with all this? I have two apps that I log my meals and exercise in everyday. If I forget I get reminders at night. I have to change my thoughts on food. I have to renovate my feelings on or with food. For my whole life I have used food to assist me in my feelings. I cannot do that anymore so I have decided not to have feelings. Ahahaha….kidding. Really though, I am not morbidly obese, I am an average person, but categorically I would be obese. I had two kids and never lost the weight. So I have only myself to be accountable.

Hunger makes you think. I recall an old Donahue show, (god I miss that man’s show!) there were two women who lost a TON of weight. I mean they lost entire people with their weight loss journey. The one thing that always resonated with me was that they said they knew in their heads what they should be eating but sometimes our brains over take us. The one big takeaway…learn to be hungry. It’s ok to be hungry. I am learning…It’s ok to be hungry. I suppose like anything else in life all the renovation will get easier with time but for now it’s hard, I am angry at me, and I want to go pout for a while. So I came here instead to do something productive. Since I cannot find anything to satisfy my creative mind and hands at the moment.

So, let’s renovate the hell out of this….

Be well, stay true, be a voice of change, VOTE.