Well, here we are again…I am trying to type and the cat it trying to eat my ham. She is relentless…This morning she wanted my coffee, peanut butter, banana, protein smoothie. Anyways…I’ll post a picture of her, she’s a cutie.
Since the last post I am down 20 pounds. YAY!!! You are awesome! ( I shout that at myself in the mirror every time I lose) We have to be our own cheerleaders. All the research and reading and listening to audio books to just find answers is taking up time. At least it allows me to focus on something other than wanting to go back to work in the fall. I miss work and the students and the atmosphere and the people. I miss it all a lot.
It has been hard work to get here to this day. I have more hard work to put it. have I slipped up? You betchya. Not in big ways. The meds have been making me really sick. I still allow myself a few chocolate chips here and there. There was a day I ate way more of them that I should’ve. Today I woke up saying I was eating a small breakfast and fasting until lunch. Well, I just wrote the cat was trying to steal my ham…is that a sign from the universe I should’ve left it in the fridge? Perhaps, but it’s in my belly. Three pieces of ham and cheese. Oh well. I decided to fast after dinner tonight and see how long I can go…Yikes.
Intermittent fasting is quite interesting. I’ve read somethings from Dr. Fung on this, I am listening to a book about it. It’s just a good thing to do to reset your body. It’s amazing what you can change in your body by doing fasting.
How does twenty pounds translate into inches…let me tell you…My clothes are way too big now. It’s amazing you can not be losing weight but your body is changing just the same. My arms look different, my shorts always need to be pulled up. This morning for shits and giggles I put on my skinny jeans…they used to be way too tight. Now they are way too loose. Thank heaven. This is a track I need to stay on. The little blips of chips or ham along the way will be ok. In the end I am human and not perfect. There is pizza in the fridge and I have a mad crush on pizza. When I started this journey, I told my family, once I had lost 50 pounds we will go out to our favorite pizza joint. I can’t wait. I think about it frequently. It used to be a staple for dinner once a week or once every two weeks…that will no longer happen in my life. Talk about a renovation right there…again I might be addicted to pizza.
This is a good journey. I feel better physically and mentally. I have more energy. I can go up the hills when I walk with my husband and the dog now with out getting soooo winded. Maybe by the end of the year I will be close to one hundred something as opposed to 200 something. I can’t remember the last time I saw one of those numbers. I need to get back on the one meal a day track for awhile too…and so the saga continues…
Wear a mask, stay safe, be well, wash your hands fam… we gotta get rid of this virus.
Well, I read my last post and did some edits, just typos mostly. I am famous for typos. I read it and I heard some passion in my voice. For the past couple days I haven’t had any passion. I haven’t slept well, I couldn’t put into my cardio work out like I wanted to, frankly I didn’t even want to do it. Since I last wrote I’ve been researching like crazy, usually every time I open my laptop. I’ve found some good stuff, some stuff to motivate me.
What is hunger? Since my last post I have lost 10 pounds. Since the end of May I have completely changed how and what I eat. Not that I ate bad before…but overindulgence in things and stress played a roll in my eating. It was a semi bad relationship with food, even though I loved it. For a few years I had been cutting back on carbs like bread and pasta. I wasn’t able to eat those things without getting sick. So I cut out gluten mostly but by default it was carbs. Today there is only fruits and vegetables (no potatoes) and water or black tea. Only a few complex carbs make it in. There is always some for of protein as well. I found a group called Eat Like a Bear that is amazing. So between this group and the support and recipes and the support of my family I can do this. I know I need my own support form me too. I got an email this morning from the group leader and it was about “fighting the doughnut”…ain’t that the truth. She also mentioned setting a weight loss goal and to make it big and to picture yourself that way. What..wait, I am still fighting the doughnut though so I have to set a goal. My husband asked me about this the other day as well. My response was that I didn’t want to over calculate and disappoint myself. I didn’t want to under calculate either and not loose enough to show the doctor I was serious about not being on meds. Here i sit typing yet to have set a goal. I am thinking I want to set it overall to 100 pounds. I would like to loose 100 pounds in one year. It’s totally doable. This will require bootstraps and a lot of pulling them I think. In the end it’s all a game with your brain right? What about my goal of weight loss when I see the doctor again in July…hmmmm could it be 25 pounds? It could…could it be more…I’d like it to be.
Meals and deals with myself are weird and fun. My breakfast consists of raspberries and almonds and hard boiled eggs maybe some ham. Not very big or fancy. I did manage to find a fat burning breakfast cookie recipe that is good with almond butter on it. This week I am thinking about changing it up next week and not having breakfast, or making it really small. The medicine doesn’t always let me feel good or myself. We’ll see…I am keeping my metabolism on its toes. Keep it guessing so it doesn’t get stagnant. I know some people have cheat days and I started this with the fact that cheating wasn’t an option for me. I need change and want off the meds. I did not want to deprive myself though, the doctor told me I could have wine within reason and or a cookie here and there. I have saved up my calories on a few occasions because I love popcorn. I will also as any normal person have a chocolate craving. So, I let myself have 5-10 chocolate chips once in a while. The other day it was more like 20, but that was not a defeat, I look at it as not having had them for about a week…
The renovations continue. It’s challenging, it’s frustrating, it’s annoying, it’s nothing that can’t be fixed and it could always be worse. So there is a silver lining in there somewhere. Today is my fasting day. All this chat about food wasn’t easy. This is my second time fasting for 24 hours. The last time I did juice and water and tea. I had more energy and felt better than when I eat food. Odd right? Today I feel better than if I ate food. Buuuuuttt….I am hungry. I’m not going to lie, I want a piece of lorraine swiss cheese so bad. What happens when this happens…well, my sone made some fancy quesadillas while I was out on the patio with the dogs. I came into a dirty counter. On this dirty counter lied a piece of bacon. I kept saying to myself- “no food will pass these lips today”. I said that the last time. I don’t find it comforting or anything, it’s just a fact and a statement about myself. Sometimes you have to give yourself that tough love that you like to give other people. No one likes it, but it will be ok.
Surely you remember that song by Crowded House? Those were such great musical years…I urge you to go back and listen to the lyrics. Since I last posted there has been grave injustices in the United States. I do not want to talk about them here, but I must say I feel an immense need for change in this country the divide is getting bigger and this is not how America should be. My biggest hope is for peace and justice.
My last post included some chit chat about motivation. This past week I received some some less than desirable news from my doctor about my glucose level. I would have to be put on an oral medication (x’s2) and if you’ve read a post from way back you will know that I am not a fan of putting pills in my body. I really try to keep it natural, although lately I was thinking I might be a hypocrite because I will put a Reese’s BIG cup in my mouth without even thinking about it…I digress all the time. So, I said to the doctor…are you diagnosing me with something here??? He looked at me like I was 5. “Yes I am”. My mouth dropped. I saw things flying past me like cake and cookies and ice cream…My jaw must have hit the floor. My head hurt, I couldn’t breathe, I was hot. It didn’t help that I was wearing a face mask and have the hormonal shift going on too…can we cut a girl some slack here? So, I listened and left and cried. Then I started doing research…I am just right over the edge of normal, I can change this. He couldn’t stress enough that I need to lose weight. Yeah, thanks, I knew that, but maybe I needed to hear it from some man under his mask being all serious and telling me I can do it. Kudos to the nurse, she could tell I was shitting bricks on the table. She gave me so many kind words, “you got this, it’s a blip on the radar, not a life sentence”
Renovations on life have begun. This is probably the biggest renovation I’ve ever done. This means getting back on the cardio bandwagon I fell off of a few weeks ago when we got a new dog. This means planning meals and buying ZERO junk. I have two teenagers, how long can I go before I have to buy cheese it’s again? I love cheese it’s, with some peanuts. Oh god. I’ve been eating berries by the boat load and avocados left and right. I am kind of combining keto and low carb high fat and some general diabetic rules with intermittent fasting. One day a week I will attempt to do a water and juice fast. That’s coming up this week. I have learned to be hungry. It’s been two weeks since I saw the doctor. I have probably lost 5 pounds. The medicine upsets your stomach too and you might spend some extra time in the bathroom. Are you kidding me? I looked right at him…So over the past two weeks I have beat myself up with words like- you did this to yourself, why did you et that you weren’t hungry, you are what you eat…Mostly I did this to myself. Today I felt like that was hurtful. This is quite an emotional roller coaster. I have to take it in baby steps because it is making me emotional. I asked a friend about it, I said, “Did it make you angry?” “Does it still make you angry?” He confirmed with a resounding YES. Then mentioned how he wanted pizza one day and went and pouted in his room for the evening.
What have I learned over the past two weeks…to be hungry. If you want something it’s going to be painful achieving it. Physical or mental pain, it’s all inevitable if you want to achieve a goal. I haven’t set a goal yet other than to lose weight by the time of my next doctor appointment in July. I have learned to be hungry a lot of the time. It’s making my body work. It’s damn annoying but there is always lemon water and iced black tea for a quick fill up. How am I keeping up with all this? I have two apps that I log my meals and exercise in everyday. If I forget I get reminders at night. I have to change my thoughts on food. I have to renovate my feelings on or with food. For my whole life I have used food to assist me in my feelings. I cannot do that anymore so I have decided not to have feelings. Ahahaha….kidding. Really though, I am not morbidly obese, I am an average person, but categorically I would be obese. I had two kids and never lost the weight. So I have only myself to be accountable.
Hunger makes you think. I recall an old Donahue show, (god I miss that man’s show!) there were two women who lost a TON of weight. I mean they lost entire people with their weight loss journey. The one thing that always resonated with me was that they said they knew in their heads what they should be eating but sometimes our brains over take us. The one big takeaway…learn to be hungry. It’s ok to be hungry. I am learning…It’s ok to be hungry. I suppose like anything else in life all the renovation will get easier with time but for now it’s hard, I am angry at me, and I want to go pout for a while. So I came here instead to do something productive. Since I cannot find anything to satisfy my creative mind and hands at the moment.
Currently we are in the middle of a widespread pandemic called Covid -19, a version of a Coronavirus. Yeah don’t we all wish it was related to the beer, it’s not. To get myself motivated today (actually I’ve done laundry…) I got out my speaker and put on Danzon no.2 by Arturo Márquez. This song is so loud and busy it’s like candy for your ears. I like the Gustavo Dudamel version. I digress…today’s kitchen conversations were about feeling disconnected, disengaged, disinterested, and sometimes plain lost in your near lack of thoughts or over thinking.
Some days are just better organized than others. Sometimes I make a list and sometimes it works, sometimes it makes me feel like shit when I make a list and don’t do it or don’t do part of it. (Throws hands up in air and shakes head) What can you do? My husband just told me that sometimes the days just don’t work and tomorrow will give you another opportunity. True, tomorrow give me new. I could paint, I could clean, I could organize something, I could walk a dog, I could do yard work ( expect it’s still pretending to be winter here), I could do a lot of things. Some days I just feel nothing, so I wander the house doing nothing. Redonkulous. So…we will get through this. We will become better on the other side. What renovations can we do while we are moving through this unprecedented time?
Take your time. Be kind. When I say be kind, it is in all it’s simplicity. Kindness to yourself will go along way when you need to be kind to others. If your brain has plans for you other than what you had planned, you can either fight it, or take the good with the bad and roll with it. I am in no way saying be lazy, that is not really allowed. Intentions are important, set them when you lay to rest and when you rise. We can also learn to enjoy the beauty each day brings us. Things like the two little sparrows on the sidewalk this morning. Things like the 10 minutes I sat in the warm sun on the patio.
The days bring frustrations with trying to do school work at home. My kids have really struggled with the change in their education. As I am sure many others across America have. It’s simply not ideal. Being in the education system I cannot imagine the heartache the teachers have to teach to the kids and see the facial expressions of them. I am certain they yearn for raised hands with all their inquisitiveness. The teachers cannot be forgotten in all of this either.
The daily struggle doesn’t need to be that if you savor things and show gratitude. Slow down and look around you. Take pride in going slow and doing it so fine when you are done you feel proud and smile. Take a breath, tell someone how much they mean to you, thank the sun for showing up to brighten your day.
This week I made a promise to myself I was going to get up early and try to work out, of course I am beating myself up over it because the first two days of the week the sleep wasn’t there. Both my husband and I slept so terrible Sunday and Monday night. So, slept in and no work out. I am annoyed with me. HOWEVER…I said at least I need to be organized about my week and be productive. So Monday was groceries and post the menu on the fridge. Then being drained from that I went to my bullet journal and worked on my savings chart page. A bullet journal is a great little way to organize your thoughts and goals or track things like your moods. I have a page that is A Year in Pixels, it has a code with colors and each day gets a color depending upon the feelings for that day, and then in one year I can see just how I felt most of the time. Should be interesting. I have a page with a sun and room to list things that I love. I have the savings tracker page, which is various things we are saving for. This journal is something that can be done daily or when you feel like tending to it. Check them out, there is a ton of suggestions on Pinterest. Today I moved rocks to the backyard for a garden around the oak tree. I also started all my seed, albeit very late, but they are started. Zinnias and sunflowers and some other odd ball things.
We just can’t be too hard on ourselves right now because nothing in our world is normal. It won’t be for quite sometime. If we can just roll with it and savor the moments, we will be all that better on the other side. Everyday has a silver lining, every week has a rainbow, every month has a tide. Preserver, press on, you got this, we got this.
These were words said to me a few years ago. I recall the phone conversation and my friend’s response to my disbelief that life was knocking me down so hard sometimes were just those words… life is a series of organize, chaos and repeat. I mean come on…wiser words have never been said. So, here we are in the middle of something we never thought we would experience in our lifetime. This something we are in is so archaic and so very vast that I think we aren’t able to really wrap our heads around it. This pandemic gives us anxiety and loneliness. It gives us pressure and drains us. It’s challenging but we can find some silver lining in our days. We are with our loved ones, we have a roof over our heads, we can still go to the store and get food. The sun rises and sets and is making the earth come alive again (except I saw pictures of snow today on social media). Finding the silver lining takes practice. So I challenge you to try when you wake or when you lay down to find three things you felt good about or that brought joy to your day. If you can do that you will start your day or end your day with a smile for sure and smiles actually release good endorphins in your body.
Since I wrote last so many things have happened, there is no sense in bringing them back to life within these pages. What matters is that we are still here. Still moving forward. Still finding gratitude. Still. One of the previous posts I wrote I reread when I sat down here. The part about some days being more challenging than others really stuck with me. Even if the day is challenging you must try to find joy. There is joy in the gardens, joy in the sky, joy in your animals if you have them. There is joy in the fact that you rose out of bed this morning. Think about all the lives lost and be grateful you can take a deep breath.
What makes people fell better in times of chaos and strife? Perhaps we should all be doing something for someone else. Something small, something meaningful, something that both people benefit from. It’s actually amazing if you start doing things for other people how you will feel. Call it random acts of kindness if you need to, even if it’s for people under your roof.
Some of these days can feel like we accomplish nothing. That is where I am today. I look around and think- what did I do? I did something for work. I helped my kids with something. I took and iPad to my parents house so they can face time us. I did some laundry. Worked with a dog a little bit on sitting. Something that really made me smile was driving you a friends house for a surprise. I called her and said, look in your driveway… we laughed and she came out and we talked for a few minutes. The shining spot of gratitude for the moment. I feel very disconnected. My work isn’t something I can do online or even keep connected to the kids online, and honestly that is not the best form of connection anyways. Tomorrow will come and I will have a list of things I want to do. Tomorrow will come and I hope that I will not feel like I do right now. My plants have asked to be repotted. My kids want to make a sign for the mailman of appreciation. The sun is supposed to shine. Speaking of sun….I have found that sunny days are harder to be in the lock down phase. Not that I don’t like the sun or want to go outside. We go for drives sometimes to break up the day. Rainy days just seem to make being stuck more tolerable. It’s a conundrum I suppose. All the rain makes for many muddy paws and a dirty kitchen floor. All of which keeps life interesting.
Dinner prep is calling me…I will try to write some more and not be so missing like I was since the last post. Sometimes life just pulls you in many directions and we get a little lost. We just have to find the path and get back on it but also enjoy the scenery along the way.
They say that time heals all wounds, right? You’ve heard that, surely. Maybe it just gives us some time to think about changing the right of importance of things in our mind. I don’t feel like some of my wounds are healed. So much time has passed since my last post. Life got busy and it was a much needed sort of distraction. Many, many things have happened. One child graduated form high school. The other one is moving into high school. Big milestones, decisions on college, and working and then not working. Got a new cat as one cat was getting really sick, not planned that way at all. the universe throws things at you left and right and it is true about how you react to things and your stress level. That all takes practice though. A curve ball is a curve ball.
My job is wonderful. It was weird for sure working for two months and then being able to be off for the summer. A gift from the universe that I truly appreciated. I find such joy and take such pride that my job provided our family with some wonderful benefits. I enjoy going there everyday, seeing the kids and feeling the energy in the building. Bonus is seeing my kids. Last year I got to see my daughter during the day and sometimes ride to work with her, and now I get to see my son some days. The chaos of the end of the school year is something I am grateful to have experienced. Then in September I get to see a new chaos of the beginning….lol.
We got a new kitten in May. I flew to Dallas to get her and spent a few days at the cattery. We found out the week I was supposed to fly down that our other male cat was very sick. We were contemplating canceling the kitten and the flight. Would that change the circumstances? Would that heal the cat? Nope. An old friend from high school gave me some of her frequent flyer miles, if it weren’t for that, we never could’ve pulled this off. I am eternally grateful for her generosity and kindness. It was a great trip. Saw lots of kittens and went to a wonderful Buddhist temple. Prayed and soaked up some much needed zen. I felt lighter when I returned home.
The male cat is very ill. He most likely has cancer. He is young and it’s heart breaking. Somethings just happen like that. We have had three dogs and 2 cats in our lifetime of being together that have had cancer. One of the dogs we got as an older puppy and she was about 2 when she started being sick. They thought she had a bladder infection and started treatment for it. We were scheduled to go on vacation in the middle of her treatment and had a dog sitter coming. We got a text after being on vacation for a week when we were on our way home that she was having trouble standing up. When we arrived home it was a whirlwind trip to the veterinary ER. We were shocked at all the tests she needed and started a fundraiser for the pup. In the end she never came home from the ER after a few days, it was determined she had a brain tumor. I love that damn dog. She always carried someones shoe around in her mouth and would snap her jaw to talk to you while you fixed dinner and she stood next to you. She most likely had that from birth. I am sure that this cat we have most likely had his since then as well. Looking back on the dog she had odd signs of something wrong. The cat has been odd not quite form day one but sometimes after getting comfortable he began odd behavior. So…the beat goes on? Are these things that we just have to learn to roll with? I still haven’t healed form losing the catahoula to spleen cancer back in the fall. I yearn for her velvety ears and leathery belly skin. I yearn for her to nudge my hand with her nose on the couch and I yearn for her big catahoula hugs like I yearn for chocolate. Owning pets is not easy. But man you signed up to there there until the end and the end is never pretty, but you just have to do what you signed up for. The worst day of owning a pet is the last day.
It’s more pain when you get the social media memories pop up of starting your business or expanding your business. Some days I look, while other days I skip over them. Does that give me the ability to heal from this? My daughter wanted to talk about what the other person is doing with the company now and how she dislikes it. It was a rough few minutes and my husband had to leave the room. It’s utterly painful. This month marks a year since we put the whole place up for sale. However within that year there was so much trauma that how could we heal from anything, we just kept getting knocked down right as we got back up. Trying to maneuver our way through this grief is going to take strategic planning, kids gloves and a lot of time. Because it was such a huge part of our lives for eight years.
All of this stuff, just everything has given me a chance to look deeply at things. I look at everything I see with different eyes now. I stop and look at the shades of blue in the sky in awe of it’s vast infinity. I look at the shapes of the clouds and appreciate their curves. I love to see the morning doves walking down my street in pairs. I take every visit form a cardinal very seriously. I take every moment I get with my kids and savor it. Same with my husband. I am thankful for the blades of grass I walk on to get to the patio my son built. Take nothing for granted, be grateful for everything, smile along the way. This journey over the past year has been such an eye opening experience.
Over the past few days I have been thinking about what I wanted to write when I got the chance. I had so many thoughts and comments. Fleeting I guess. If you take away anything it is that life can be cruel, unkind and it is never fair. However, you have the ability to be in control of how you react and how you feel about and towards all of the things that life throws your way. There is no perfect way of doing this and my god it takes practice like you’ve never practiced anything in your life. If you can teach yourself to get through and appreciate the things around you both small and large, you will feel like a different person on the other side. I suppose it’s like climbing a mountain in thick fog. There is a rope along the trail, you can hold it, or you can use your hands to get to the top. If the rope is there, why not use it. If the clouds are there why not appreciate them. If the birds are singing why not listen to them. Slow down and appreciate what is around you, it will get you through some tough shit.
Take a deep breath in your nose….keep going a little more….blow it out your mouth very slowly and with purpose. Do this five times in a row. See how you feel. Practice this. Practice kindness, practice gratitude, practice joy in simplicity. Find your rope and when you reach the top of your mountain, shout out and be proud that you’ve done it.
Now if I could get some positive juju from anyone reading this, my husband is waiting to hear about a huge opportunity. He has been waiting for several weeks now. This is a lesson in patience. I keep sending it out the the universe that this would be a wonderful gift, for him to seize this opportunity. Hey universe…can you hear me?
Joy and peace to you all-
Never stop climbing, and never stop shouting once you get to the top.
The title of this posting was created on May 16th. I was going through something and had a clear description in my head of how it was going to be laid out on this “paper”. It is now May 31st and I hadn’t written a word because life my friends didn’t wait. Not a bad thing. It’s also not a bad thing that I cannot even recall the issue that was causing the furrowed brow and the tears in the sink. So, we march forward. Here’s to mental health and letting go of the things that seem so big and worthy of our energy when in fact we need to just let them come in our life and then let them slip out the back door. We will be better humans to be able to let go of things that cause pain so we can be better open to the love and life that surrounds us.
I will post next week and catch you all up on how life is going and how I’ve been feeling.
It’s been crazy, it’s been wild, and full of ups and downs. If it wasn’t that way it’d be boring!
Feel free to check out my new Instagram account @the.renovator
These two words have been popping into my head all week, no wait, for like two weeks. Grace, what exactly is it? So many people talk about it and suggest to have it or give it. It is well defined by Merriam Webster. There are a few meanings. The first one is worded so well, “unmerited divine assistance given to humans for their regeneration or sanctification.” I regenerate all the time, so grace is like a reward for doing that or it just happens?
Let’s see what Merriam says about gratitude…it’s literally- “THANKFULNESS”. Pure and simple. Seems more simple than grace. I feel like grace is forgiveness and love and kindness all rolled into one big blunt. Smoke that for a minute. You can have it for others and yourself, although we will find it difficult to have for either sometimes.
The past two weeks have been full of emotion here. Hubs sent out over 225 resumes in the past fourish weeks. I’ve been applying for things all over the map. All kinds of admin assistants at a college I would love to also take classes at. At a call center for emergencies. I went out on a big limb and applied for a welding and metal finishing job. 😂 Really though, I’d kick some serious butt at that. Friday I’ve got myself and interview for work in the local high school library. The last interview I had was about 21 years ago. I’m beyond nervous and for what and why I don’t even know. Mostly they are going to ask about me, why do I want to work there, the old tell me about yourself, what’s your greatest accomplishment. Yikes, stop, I can’t. Feeling not worthy I guess or like I have nothing to offer. Hubs is standing there saying you’ve got a lot to offer and I’m proud of you but I can’t feel that about myself and I need to get it together before Friday at nine am.
Went looking for an outfit to wear. That was too stressful to look and overwhelming. I have a few things in the closet that will work. I’m a little worried about my tattoos but then the voice comes in my head saying “stop it, that’s you and means nothing other than you have tattoos”. I have a big Buddha charm that I’ve been meaning to make a long necklace for. So I trotted off the the craft store to give this creating thing the old college try. I got myself some beads and some silk thread stuff and beading needles and I’m going to make a bobble for Friday. Here’s hoping.
Hubs got a job offer this week! He took it and will continue to look for something that is more ideal and makes him happy and has room for growth. He’s got more interviews this week and I’m getting more comfortable with the thoughts of the library. I miss working with the teenagers, something I never thought I’d say.
So, grace and gratitude has been my theme and apparently it rained in a little. Anything with the closed business is on the back burner until we are employed. Annoying but you can’t commit to payments if you don’t have income. Maybe some more grace and some guidance will fall through during this waiting period. Ahhh and we bring it back to the first post about waiting. Four months later I’m in a very different spot. Is it better, is it worse, I’m not even sure. Sometimes I am just numb.
Let’s try to feel more. Let’s try to look deeply inside and find little things that bring joy and make us feel good. Let’s try smiling more. Even if it’s painful, you’ve got to try. Breathe in and breathe out and be grateful for that. Now that’s a good start.
Well, it’s done. All that waiting I was doing back in the first post, it’s all done. The sale of the real estate finally went through. It still feels odd. I feel relieved, I feel a tiny bit empty, I feel a tiny bit lost, I feel joy that I don’t have to listen for my cell phone to ring saying the alarm went off. I feel guilty for feeling relief. I feel relief. I feel anger and I am scared at the debt we face. This is just compounded now thought because we are both without jobs and getting ready to send one of our kids to college. I have applied for work back in the operating room. He has 168 resumes out since March 16th. He’s had some interviews, many rejections, and a few things hopefully panning out in the next couple of weeks. We are hoping for options to sit and weigh out.
It’s like our life was on a table and someone came a long and threw it up in the air. We have been through similar circumstances. We’ve been through him losing a job and getting laid off before a couple of times. Companies are always downsizing or shifting sales forces around. This time with the shop and it closing and the loss within our household it’s such an upheaval. I am confident it will settle down and we will all feel whole again.
I really want to create again. I want to go sit at my bench and make some sterling silver bobbles or make some kind of cool chains or rings. I sat there the other day and ended up just fiddling around and mostly staring at all my things. I need a few tools to make something new that I have tried. That’s not an option. I can’t buy the tools. So, I decided to write. I tried looking up info on meta tags and how they help a blog. I couldn’t focus on that. I guess today isn’t the day for any of that stuff. Sometimes I just think my brain just can’t do it because it wants to do nothing. What do you think? Ever feel like your brain just needs a break, to breath I guess I’ve been distracted here as I write this. Robins in the rain outside. Itches in my ears. Music playing. Crinkling in my neck. When I feel this way it’s like my brain is fighting with itself. Want to focus, can’t focus.
In other renovations…I am managing to keep my fiddle leaf fig tree alive. I’ve had it for a few months now…got some brown spots and little dry on the edges of the leaves. I was told it would be easy to take care of, but the more I read about them the more I see they are finicky and infant like. Meanwhile my favorite jade is dropping pieces like it’s snowing. Houseplants are a fun little hobby. The green makes me happy.
And now I have to make dinner…which I am grateful for.
Yes, I have cello. I love the cello as you may know from reading previous posts about me listening to cello music. When I was a child I visited my aunt and uncle and he had a cello. I admired that instrument so much. I was somewhere between 4-6 years old. I wanted to grow up to play one. It was a sexy instrument. In Junior high school, which was 8th grade, I picked up the stand up bass.I was in orchestra all throughout high school, the bass being my primary instrument. I would always dabble in the cello and piano with friends in spare time or when no one was around. My sight reading ability stinks to high heaven, but I can read music for sure. I got a cello for Christmas from my husband. I was so shocked I think he thought I didn’t like it. I was just so shocked. A cello, of my own. I put it in the dining room by the desk.
It is in the same place I put it back in December. I finally told him the other day how much I love it and I have been saving it for when all this stress of selling the building and moving on with our lives is over. When the renovations begin this cello is first in line. Like I am taking it’s virginity or something. (It’s not new, someone already did that.) The past week has been really tough. We were supposed to close on the property sale on Monday and that didn’t happen for some crazy circus dramatic reasons that one day we will look back and laugh at but right now it’s not comical. The other day all I could think about was my cello and how I can’t wait to sit with it and take it out of the bag slowly and tune it and pull the bow across the strings for the first time in years. I will no doubt have tears streaming down my face, but man that day will be awesome. Thinking about my cello was what got me through that day. I kept thinking of all the things I wanted to do to it. I want to strip it and refinish it and make it mine. I love shades of blue, I think a nice navy blue stain would be wonderful. I mean, come on, who has ever seen a blue cello?
My point being here…We need things to get us through tough times. We need something to look forward to, we need something that gives meaning, something joyous, something celebratory. You will never see the light without something like this.
Check out bassoon concerto in D minor, RV 481 1. Allegro by Vivaldi & Thuneman, it’s a cool piece. Find it right on itunes actually. Vivaldi was a genius with strings.
It is all going to be okay, it is what it is, there is light at the end of the tunnel, we will get through this. All of those saying are heard in this household on a daily basis. There are deep breaths taken at any point in time. There are hugs flying around like crazy with whispered words of ” I am scared” or ” I am having an off day” and the whispered words back are “it’s okay”. It will all be okay, we just have to weather the storm. If listening to cello music is part of that, then so be it.
My husband is being a trooper. He has had some leads on jobs. Today had a three hour interview. There is hope, but sometimes that leaves you empty handed too so one must be careful. He has a follow up to do at the end of the week regarding another company. It’s a slow and painful process, being laid off. We are trying to work out all the cobra stuff and trying not to go broke with that…paperwork nightmare. Something will come, I have faith in the universe even though it seems it’s left me or us out in the cold right now, it’s got to circle around like a boomerang.
Thank you to those that have read this, thank you to the followers. Let’s continue to renovate…
