At the end of this month it will mark a milestone of one month for me that I went and had some significant bloodwork done to find out what was wrong with me. I would find out that I have re-activated Epstein Barr Virus. It’s crazy, I was shocked, I was scared, I was asking why and how…Next month I will have some more bloodwork. This is my que to learn to be still….
Uncategorized
Close your eyes.
What happened today…the day was ok. I saw the bloodwork in my portal and went down a million rabbit holes as I do with anything. I was waiting for some responses from people at school, I got one, but not the one I was waiting for. Every celebration at work is with food that I can’t eat. Do you sense the annoyance in my tone. I left for the day…regular time. The day was fine I guess…I knew it was Wednesday, I knew I had an appointment later when I got home, however as soon as I walked through the door, the day and the appointment left my damn brain. I didn’t realize it until like almost two hours after…sigh, eye roll, disappointment with myself.
In other news, I played the piano and I can’t remember the last time I did that. I walk by it everyday, I touch it, I thank it for it’s presence. It was like a refreshing rain on a spring morning. I felt the notes go through my finger tips to my arms, right into my chest. Later after my shower and letting myself know how disappointed I was about the appointment I decided to go cut some lilacs to take to work for my desk. Check. And… here we are typing. Listening to Bastille again…I love their song Pompeii. I love how Dan changes the music. This particular song asks if we close our eyes does it seem like we have been here before…lol, sure does. Sometimes every fucking day. Especially the past three years. The other line is about how we could be optimistic about the situation. Then it asks if should start in the rubble or our sin…I am trying to let the day go and have hope for tomorrow. Again, not a bad day, just done with it.
The thing is that the days are flawed no matter how we look at them. If we choose to move past the things we find irritating or disheartening do we miss things? We miss the opportunity to be grateful for the challenges. We miss the opportunity the share or ask for help. We miss a lot. So, I will sit with my heating pad tonight and just be, just let the thoughts ebb and flow as if it were a tide washing up on a sandy beach and back out into the abyss of the wide ocean. I will rest my head and my body to recharge for whatever adventures tomorrow might bring. I am however looking forward to the summer off, so much so that I might make a paper chain tomorrow, I just need my dogs and my yard and quiet.
You know when there will be “no more bad days”…yep. So take it all in, todays renovations are brought to you by gratitude no matter how hard or small it may be or feel, find it.
What fills your cup…
Surely water fills you cup right…bbwwhahahaha…ok, let’s get a bit serious. Sun fills my cup. I got some sun today. Slept in, took my time this morning. I slept a lot yesterday too. I guess I didn’t explain that I have been sick for a few months, well what I thought was the end of the lady thing, but kept getting worse. So, I am waiting for some tests and trying to follow orders. I have tried to write a post here for the last two days. I had ideas, they didn’t seem worthy or important enough, at least to me so I couldn’t make the words work. Today I cleaned some trash out of my car, I cleaned the dashboard and console. It literally took me forever, I told you in a previous post, everything with intention…My intention here was to not exhaust myself. I finished, actually got told to wind it up and go rest by my dear husband. Okay, okay…I went inside and bid farewell to the falling rays. drew the shades and pulled a blanket over myself and one of the dogs. Genevieve is our Carolina Dog. She has been amazing for the past week plus with me. She will not leave my side. When I go rest, so does she. They other day she laid on top of me because the other dogs were barking and she doesn’t like it and knows I don’t either. She’s just the best dingo.
This past week I kept in contact with my best friends since sixth grade. She checked on me a few days. We spoke about trauma, we spoke about healing. We spoke about stress and healing from that, and the work it takes. I told her I had started and audio book and when I told her what it was about she was like-No. Find something else. I told her I was watching abandoned videos on youtube. I have such a love affair with old architecture. I would take my kids to the areas in my city that is rich in large architectural homes and we would admire them and talk about the different designs. My son got into watching stores about abandoned malls for a while and we would talk about that. So, since I was tied up this past week…I started watching abandoned home videos, but they had to be old and big. My favorite one so far has been this big old brick house in the south built 235 years ago. It had such a beautiful solarium room! The whole things had green glass on the top, it has the most beautiful curves and hardware. My friend thought I shouldn’t be watching them either. She’s like, those houses are dead and decaying, that’s not a very positive thing. So, I thought about it. They don’t evoke sadness in my really, I see the beauty. These are houses made with extravagant wood carved staircases and amazing fireplaces. While I type this there is en explorer on in the background showing me a castle in France that has been left, with furniture and chandeliers and pianos and trinkets. At first you see this beautiful home when you enter. It looks all intact, maybe a bit dusty, but the paint looks ok, the windows are still ok. As he walked up the stairs into a room there is was. The mold…spreading across this beautiful sea-foam colored room as if it was the tide of mold taking over. The staircase is marble and has tiny crumbles, it has the sexiest curves leading up to the second floor. It’s interesting to see how some rooms decay quicker than others, it seems as thought the rooms higher up in these houses decay faster.
The guys went off to a car show…wish I was there. In the end these videos make my eyes happy. I love seeing these things that we don’t have in our homes now. Lost art, lost craftsmanship, but it fills my eyes. and not with tears.
Tomorrow is Mother’s Day.
Sunday Mornings
Good morning, the earth begins by giving you the rays of sun. Then you are given the breeze blowing through the tree limbs. Listen carefully, the next gift is the song of the trees sung by the birds. I love Sundays. Usually Sunday morning, we sleep in and get up and have coffee while we watch Sunday Morning on CBS. Today is a little different. There is a local run here my husband does, he’s been dong it for years, since the kids were little and used to run at the end over the finish line with him. He got up and off he went, I stayed in bed and snuggled the dog (because he told me too, I like to be at the finish line). Then the cat wanted me up but took some petting in the bed as enough to quiet down. I laid there and thought, and didn’t think and tried to feel my body and not feel it at the same time.
When I write a post I tend to read the one I wrote previously, unless I know it would choke me up and then I might not read the whole thing. So, this morning I thought I would read what I posted the other day. Jesus Momma, what happened….It was aaalll over the map, but honestly it reflects how bad I feel. I think my mental capacity was being pushed by all the feeling crappy, over the past 3 months I do not like how it has changed, it is not me. Like I said, I kept thinking it was peri-menopause…but it was getting worse. If I can urge you to do anything, it’s speak up for yourself. If you aren’t feeling well, seek help until someone listens. Only you know your body and how you feel and for me it was months of looking in the mirror not seeing myself. I thought I looked sick, I felt sick. Our medical system is not made for you to walk in the doctor office and say things like that. It’s a bit sad for those of us that are in-tune with our bodies and want to be part of a team taking on health issues instead of just being told what to do. I have always been an independent thinker, I have always asked why, it’s my favorite question and it really irritates people, I know, but it’s me. I am a Sagittarius, I shall say no more, and if you think the stars and signs have no affect on us, wrong again… everything in your body is linked together, everything in the universe is linked together including how it reacts with us and our systems. I digress…all the time…
The bloodwork. The waiting. The decisions. Ugh. I did a little reading last night after I could partially digest what I was told. How did this all happen? In my brain it’s flying like a banner on a plane over the beach when you’re on vacation. It shocked me, it scared me, but it is also making me think. How can I do better, how can I be better, with the exception that I thought I was doing ok. AlI I know is, I fell the last Thursday in January and I have not felt the same since then. Last week I decided I was going to kind of give my body a break, from all the meds and the supplements with the exception of a daily vitamin and some tumeric (curcumin) for my knee, and any other inflammation at this point. Today I had my collagen in some coconut milk and that was wonderful. Last night we had turkey burgers with pineapple on them and I had a large helping of wilted spinach. I enjoyed the look of the food on the plate, I enjoyed the flavors on my tongue. Sometimes you have to really slow things down…
How does the robin know I am sitting at the table, so then it comes to take a bath? Sometimes it just sits there too, its feet in the water, looking around, taking a moment. I can tell you this, our world has been bombarded for almost three years now. Whether you realize it or not it puts us all into some form of fight or flight, this is not good for our bodies. I truly hope for an end to all of this for everyone, I hope everyone can find more peaceful days.
Today, my gratitude extends to the sky. That sun today is amazing. I sit at the table in the dining room and the kitchen is behind me with all the rays leaning in calling my name. They reach for me and they yearn for me to come and bathe in them. I am grateful for the opportunity to be still, even though it is incredibly hard for me to do, I need to be still. There is beauty in each day, the leaves are emerging from the branches of trees, the babies animals are emerging from the forests, the birds are building their little communities again. There was an interesting section in the book 12 Rules for Life by Jordan Peterson. He speaks about the birds in the trees and how we hear song and think it’s this beautiful sound, but really they are calling their mates, or announcing their territories or sending out messages to other birds. I urge you to listen very carefully to their songs. The cardinal has many different tones and variations. The chickadee does too. Funny the chickadees are so flitty, I always wonder if they have anxiety….the bluejays have even more unique tones. So, the sun calls, it call for me and it calls for you. The wind carries messages of peace and breath for us, an urges us to relax and let go and just be.
Today’s quote from Ted Lasso should really make you think...”It’s funny to think about the things in your life that can make you cry just knowing that they existed, can then become the same thing that make you cry knowing that they’re now gone.”
Now, if you will excuse me, I am going to put on sweat pants, sit and bathe in the sun and play my tongue drum. I dug it out a couple weeks ago and I am sure the birds would love some music.
The Bottom of Resilience
Odd title I know. It’s been a minute, I know. Honestly I haven’t been ok and couldn’t figure out how to fix myself. Another odd thing, I know. Remember waaay back many posts ago when there was music but not the usual music with words, it was too much for my head. I have been trying to medicate with some music, it has actually given me comfort to hear the words again. I still resort to the classical at times but music helps you relate. I decided to turn off the TV this am and write, it was kind of an assignment to journal. Since this is basically my journal, I thought ok…I needed to do better on here anyways.
So I put on an old favorite…Bastille. They have a song called The Weight of Living. Don’t we all feel that at some point? Sometimes it just gets heavy. Not even any one thing. I was trying to pinpoint what brought me to this point yesterday but the doctor I saw was right, I was going to break. I still don’t know why. I laid in bed this am with the rays of sun spilling through the curtains calling my name but I wanted them to go away. I think when it gets heavy it might not be one thing. The conclusion wasn’t there and I don’t even need it really. I wasn’t right. I haven’t been right for a few months and couldn’t put my finger on it. Couldn’t explain it to anyone, couldn’t find the words. Then words entered my ears, “I am taking you out of work”. My soul took the biggest deep breath. For months I felt like I was being bombarded. But, by what? I have no fucking clue. It wasn’t home, it wasn’t work, it wasn’t school, it wasn’t relationships. Life, like the song says, the weight of living. This is a redo, a start over, a detox, a new beginning, a fresh spring. Sounds cheesy…I just got done taking a Human Relations Organizations class. My last paper was about our reactions and how we control them. How we must step back and look at the situation and try to see why the other person is being how they are. If we just automatically react to a situation that is the wrong way to go about things. Somewhere along the past few months I lost my way. I forgot how to do that? No, I think I forgot to apply. I also forgot to apply the old, let that shit go. The odd thing is that I don’t feel like I am carrying anything around, but yet I feel it. Most people would say that is a bunch of hocus pocus. It’s not. So I sit and type, and listen to music and cry and take deep breaths. How am I going to get myself back home? Not my house, I am in it. My home of myself. Slow and steady wins the race, eh…
Today I am grateful for so many things. My weighted blanket is my first thing I am grateful for today. I saw it on the top shelf of my bed last night and it was like I saw an old friend. Funny how pressure can make you feel like breaking but then actually the pressure of something can bring such relief. I made sure my kids got off to work and school and slept more even though the light was burning through the curtains. That blanket was a much needed weight. Let us never forget there is a light. Just like the song says. The second thing I am grateful for it my birdbath. Everyday I begin watching in the sunlight this robin coming for a drink and a bath. He takes such a bath I need to keep adding water. I see the mourning doves wandering, I see the cardinals in the tree. I love them. I look forward to sitting on the patio with all the chickadees , they are the best. The third thing I am grateful for the chance to begin. Everyday, every moment we get the chance to begin again. Sometimes our light gets dimmed, sometimes the flame goes out but the wick is still warm, and we just need a bit of help. Life is too good to feel that way. You can realize that there is a struggle and still cry, you can still curl up in a ball, but you also have to smile, and find the hope and challenge yourself. So here is the renovation, the challenge. It has to be gentle, it has to be thoughtful, it has to feel right.
Everything will be fine, let that shit go, focus on yourself. That stuff is really hard for a woman, mother, wife, hard worker to do. I thought I was doing a good job at self care, but looking now, I was just going. The days blended into the nights, to the point I didn’t want to get out of bed. I could cry at the drop of an anything. I was just going. It is a horrible feeling, I felt it once before but in a different way. What would the world be like if we all had a little bit of tenderness for each other? I think of the strangest things…but I wonder. Imagine if we all thought about the “next person”, or tried making life easier for each other…
Promise yourself, that you will take care of you. Promise yourself that you will be grateful, promise yourself you will be ok so you can be there for the people that matter. Promise yourself you are worth being ok. Promise yourself not to be too hard on you. Promise yourself to see all the good, to be the good, to find the positive. Promise yourself to be curious and try new things. Promise yourself to find your inner Ted Lasso, your inner Kathleen, your inner peace, your inner light. Promise yourself you will be back.
Resilience has two meanings but basically the same thing…to recover quickly or be tough, and the ability to spring back into shape. I guess we can look at it this way…even a tree needs a break? It loses it leaves and goes silent. The tulips bloom and go silent. The animals in the forest go silent. I am going silent to my surroundings for a bit. Not here, I need this. I am unplugging to plug in? I am unplugging form what is not important. We all need silence sometimes form ourselves as well as things around us. There is a line in Bastille song, ” New melodies rise up with the sun”, how much more truth can we get….I leave here with a Ted Lasso quote ( if you haven’t watched Ted, go, run, do it. It should be required by all humans)
“You know what the happiest animal on Earth is? It’s a goldfish. You know why? It’s got a 10-second memory.”
Be a goldfish.
What will your renovation be today?
Is it motivation or is it discipline?
It’s only Monday and I was going to start this off by saying I was rewarded with an epiphany this week but it dawned on me before typing that would be all wrong. I think the epiphany was over the weekend. I cannot recall…nothing new there. So, I saw this post or blog or something…”you’re problem isn’t motivation, it’s discipline.” It was like a freaking slap in the face, similar to the one Sunday night at the awards that the whole world witnessed. I sat there and let it sink in. What the fuck is wrong with me, I was shouting at myself inside my head. The statement was dead on. I want to get on the nordic track, I want to do a cardio work out, I want to hang pictures on the wall. Hahaha, we painted last year? I never hung the pictures back up in the living room. Yeah…I need to do a little work everywhere. So, back to the point. I want to do things…I want to get back on track with my eating sooooo bad. The discipline is the issue. Right now I am thinking I need to go and do a little research on discipline and then cite my sources because that is literally all the typing I have been doing. If you look up the meaning it references practice. For the love of God, I should have known it was one of those practice things. Jeesh. Okay so if I do a quick search it mentions knowing your strengths and weaknesses, remove temptations, set goals, practice daily, create new rituals. Abort, overload…did you hear the explosion? It was all inherently my problem. I was mad, I felt duped. This whole time I thought I wasn’t motivated to hang up a picture, or go workout, or not eat the carbs. Ha, well the universe had me fooled. Well guess what mother fucker, I am finding the discipline I had waaay back somewhere else and bringing it back to myself. I cannot go back to the way I was. I need to keep moving forward and in a positive direction with my health and weight. I make excuses like oh it’s the holiday, oh it’s my birthday, oh it’s friday, oh it’s the weekend, oh I will only have one bite. None of that is acceptable. If I want change I have to be my own soldier for it. I have to create it. The only way that will happen is if I make it happen. Discipline is simple, it comes from another word…choice. Whaaatt…can we get an amen for that? Yeah, okay, so for real though, C.H.O.I.C.E. Ugh, why can’t we just eat cake and be thin and healthy? Whhhhyyy? Ok, so now that we played with words and the dictionary we can move on to the real work…Today I tried and I am here to commend myself. I need to get back to the roots of one meal a day. Today was day one. I fasted until dinner, I ate a keto dinner and no fucking junk. I need to get control of whatever is in my brain telling me that I am not worthy of this change that I so strongly desire. What order should these terms go in? Discipline, choice, thoughts…I have no idea, I feel as though the order could change. I’ll tell you this, you matter, you are worthy of the hard work. You can do the hard work, why, because you have done it before!
Words of wisdom for this revisited renovation? Haha, yeah….don’t beat yourself up, pick yourself up. Move forward. Don’t make excuses, be devoted to your choices. Be devoted to the discipline. Be devoted to yourself.
Find your roots, or they will find you.
The title is simple…I started this blog a few years back…the last time I posted to it was in 2020. It was before Covid, BC. Isn’t it interesting we live our lives time referencing things that happen. I had two posts that were unpublished. One was worth publishing because I needed to hear it again. Interested or committed? So, how’s this for a renovation…I went back to school. Yep, finishing my BA, possibly my Master’s. To make it more interesting my first class was Statistics, bbwwaahhhaahhhaa….I do not have a math brain. The last math class I took was 9th grade algebra. And that was twenty plus years ago. Don’t ya know, I got a freaking A! The story goes that I kept on keeping on and there is a number at the top of each class page and I am competitive, even with myself. I need all the points, lol. I am always trying to get an A. Another secret, I freak out when I have to submit an assignment, thinking each time this will be the one that I fail. I gotta work on that, a little harder than I have been. There was a time when I was taking two classes at once because I got some great financial aid, but that burned me out, I had no time for myself or family. My husband said to me one day, why are you in such a hurry, you don’t need to be. Smart man, but all I saw was this free money so I wanted to make the most of it. I had to drop back down to one class after taking a couple of months off, that is how burned out I was. We need to look, step back and look in on ourselves. If something isn’t working what can we do to make it better, or make it work. Sometimes we just get wrapped up in the going when we really need to take a deep breath and move in a lightly different direction. Life is about ebb and flow. I was working on an assignment for the end of a class and decided maybe I would put in a link to the blog. This is work, this is therapy, this is where I clear my head, and maybe help someone else. We are not in any of this alone, we need to be there for others. This was how I healed and continue to heal, so if my ultimate goal is to be a mental health counselor perhaps I should include the blog I created. I will better to visit more often and post the happenings and the renovations. in the mean time, be kind, love hard, take a deep breath daily, and look around when you go outside and find something to be grateful for. Find the birds, find the trees, find the shapes in the clouds and the sun warming your cheeks. Listen to the air slowly float past your ears carrying the sounds of nature, look for the things you might be missing.
Interested or Committed?
It’s been way too long once again. I need to remember to come here when I am feeling lost or sad or happy and productive. This is a space I created to share and to feel like I am giving someone something, even if it’s one reader who’s getting something, even if it’s just me, that gets the satisfaction out of getting it out of my head. Ive got to remember that this is here on those days, every day…
Today I saw something that resonated with me…someone posed a question about weight-loss… “Are you interested or committed?” How awesome is that? Words are so powerful.
This post was from July of 2020, I forgot to publish it…
Inches vs. Pounds
Well, here we are again…I am trying to type and the cat it trying to eat my ham. She is relentless…This morning she wanted my coffee, peanut butter, banana, protein smoothie. Anyways…I’ll post a picture of her, she’s a cutie.
Since the last post I am down 20 pounds. YAY!!! You are awesome! ( I shout that at myself in the mirror every time I lose) We have to be our own cheerleaders. All the research and reading and listening to audio books to just find answers is taking up time. At least it allows me to focus on something other than wanting to go back to work in the fall. I miss work and the students and the atmosphere and the people. I miss it all a lot.
It has been hard work to get here to this day. I have more hard work to put it. have I slipped up? You betchya. Not in big ways. The meds have been making me really sick. I still allow myself a few chocolate chips here and there. There was a day I ate way more of them that I should’ve. Today I woke up saying I was eating a small breakfast and fasting until lunch. Well, I just wrote the cat was trying to steal my ham…is that a sign from the universe I should’ve left it in the fridge? Perhaps, but it’s in my belly. Three pieces of ham and cheese. Oh well. I decided to fast after dinner tonight and see how long I can go…Yikes.
Intermittent fasting is quite interesting. I’ve read somethings from Dr. Fung on this, I am listening to a book about it. It’s just a good thing to do to reset your body. It’s amazing what you can change in your body by doing fasting.
How does twenty pounds translate into inches…let me tell you…My clothes are way too big now. It’s amazing you can not be losing weight but your body is changing just the same. My arms look different, my shorts always need to be pulled up. This morning for shits and giggles I put on my skinny jeans…they used to be way too tight. Now they are way too loose. Thank heaven. This is a track I need to stay on. The little blips of chips or ham along the way will be ok. In the end I am human and not perfect. There is pizza in the fridge and I have a mad crush on pizza. When I started this journey, I told my family, once I had lost 50 pounds we will go out to our favorite pizza joint. I can’t wait. I think about it frequently. It used to be a staple for dinner once a week or once every two weeks…that will no longer happen in my life. Talk about a renovation right there…again I might be addicted to pizza.
This is a good journey. I feel better physically and mentally. I have more energy. I can go up the hills when I walk with my husband and the dog now with out getting soooo winded. Maybe by the end of the year I will be close to one hundred something as opposed to 200 something. I can’t remember the last time I saw one of those numbers. I need to get back on the one meal a day track for awhile too…and so the saga continues…
Wear a mask, stay safe, be well, wash your hands fam… we gotta get rid of this virus.
Hmmm, food and fast…
Well, I read my last post and did some edits, just typos mostly. I am famous for typos. I read it and I heard some passion in my voice. For the past couple days I haven’t had any passion. I haven’t slept well, I couldn’t put into my cardio work out like I wanted to, frankly I didn’t even want to do it. Since I last wrote I’ve been researching like crazy, usually every time I open my laptop. I’ve found some good stuff, some stuff to motivate me.
What is hunger? Since my last post I have lost 10 pounds. Since the end of May I have completely changed how and what I eat. Not that I ate bad before…but overindulgence in things and stress played a roll in my eating. It was a semi bad relationship with food, even though I loved it. For a few years I had been cutting back on carbs like bread and pasta. I wasn’t able to eat those things without getting sick. So I cut out gluten mostly but by default it was carbs. Today there is only fruits and vegetables (no potatoes) and water or black tea. Only a few complex carbs make it in. There is always some for of protein as well. I found a group called Eat Like a Bear that is amazing. So between this group and the support and recipes and the support of my family I can do this. I know I need my own support form me too. I got an email this morning from the group leader and it was about “fighting the doughnut”…ain’t that the truth. She also mentioned setting a weight loss goal and to make it big and to picture yourself that way. What..wait, I am still fighting the doughnut though so I have to set a goal. My husband asked me about this the other day as well. My response was that I didn’t want to over calculate and disappoint myself. I didn’t want to under calculate either and not loose enough to show the doctor I was serious about not being on meds. Here i sit typing yet to have set a goal. I am thinking I want to set it overall to 100 pounds. I would like to loose 100 pounds in one year. It’s totally doable. This will require bootstraps and a lot of pulling them I think. In the end it’s all a game with your brain right? What about my goal of weight loss when I see the doctor again in July…hmmmm could it be 25 pounds? It could…could it be more…I’d like it to be.
Meals and deals with myself are weird and fun. My breakfast consists of raspberries and almonds and hard boiled eggs maybe some ham. Not very big or fancy. I did manage to find a fat burning breakfast cookie recipe that is good with almond butter on it. This week I am thinking about changing it up next week and not having breakfast, or making it really small. The medicine doesn’t always let me feel good or myself. We’ll see…I am keeping my metabolism on its toes. Keep it guessing so it doesn’t get stagnant. I know some people have cheat days and I started this with the fact that cheating wasn’t an option for me. I need change and want off the meds. I did not want to deprive myself though, the doctor told me I could have wine within reason and or a cookie here and there. I have saved up my calories on a few occasions because I love popcorn. I will also as any normal person have a chocolate craving. So, I let myself have 5-10 chocolate chips once in a while. The other day it was more like 20, but that was not a defeat, I look at it as not having had them for about a week…
The renovations continue. It’s challenging, it’s frustrating, it’s annoying, it’s nothing that can’t be fixed and it could always be worse. So there is a silver lining in there somewhere. Today is my fasting day. All this chat about food wasn’t easy. This is my second time fasting for 24 hours. The last time I did juice and water and tea. I had more energy and felt better than when I eat food. Odd right? Today I feel better than if I ate food. Buuuuuttt….I am hungry. I’m not going to lie, I want a piece of lorraine swiss cheese so bad. What happens when this happens…well, my sone made some fancy quesadillas while I was out on the patio with the dogs. I came into a dirty counter. On this dirty counter lied a piece of bacon. I kept saying to myself- “no food will pass these lips today”. I said that the last time. I don’t find it comforting or anything, it’s just a fact and a statement about myself. Sometimes you have to give yourself that tough love that you like to give other people. No one likes it, but it will be ok.