psychology of living

Tears and Bees, I need that change please…

The Renovator

What a title, right? What can I say, I like to rhyme. I went back through the old posts like I always do. Man, I start the summer posts with, ” I know I haven’t been here much” or something along those lines, like every time. Come on, Emily- grace…I would like that as my middle name, actually. So why did I choose that title…tears flowed today like Niagara Falls. Bees, because I needed to be outside in nature and hear the sounds and feel the air, and we have a lot of flowers surrounding the patio, and there are bees EVERYWHERE. The change…yeah, still looking for the perfect job opportunity. I had a couple of really good interviews recently. I have branched out in the past couple of weeks and applied to totally different things, like a big machinery company called Wirtgen. I love big machines! I love how things work and finding out the mechanics of things. I also drove by a screed machine made by them near my house and was enthralled, so I thought I had nothing to lose by applying. SO YEAH, still applying. Taking mental breaks here and there because this is so exhausting.

We are going to circle back to anger for a moment. I have been working on the feeling of anger in therapy. It’s a fucking double-edged sword, I tell ya. We all have it, we all need to feel it. I know I need to let it out and not push it down anymore. I also think it really doesn’t align with my Buddhist feelings. I have this visceral feeling that if I am angry too much that I might be like my mother, and well, that is a whole other Pandora’s box. I feel like if I let the anger be present and be with it, that it multiplies and I get angrier. I don’t like that feeling. The tiniest things start to bother me. Then, before you know it, I am in an angry mood. I don’t like that. There has to be some kind of balance. And it could be where I am at this stage in my life, I am not sure. I just know I could be angry about my circumstances, and things around me, and things that have happened to me, but I don’t want to hold it. I want it to leave. Maybe I need to get a whole bunch of black balloons and write my angry thoughts on them and let them go one by one again. Write my angry words down on paper and burn the hell out of them. Write them here and hope this dump makes me feel better. Who knows, I know I need to switch it up because I go back to a job that is not fulfilling in less than a week, and I am angry about it. Multiple parts to be angry at. But I don’t want to carry that with me every day. It’s toxic, and it’s like my mother. I have to let it go.

This is the song I am mentioning in the next paragraph… I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

In the meantime, I came across this post on Instagram. I follow Abundance Alchemist. His name is Phillip. The post was just him with some words about the song in the background. The composer is Ludovico Einaudi, the song is Experience. He suggested listening to it three times. I put my phone down and walked away, only to pick it back up again and go hunting for my ear buds to hear this haunting song while I vacuumed. I have had it on repeat since I came outside. At first, the feeling was overwhelming. Hence, the title tears. Then I felt it like he said- in by breath. I have always loved classical music anyway and find it very moving. This song hit on a whole other level. I hope it brings the energy of change. I hope it changed my energy today. I had this overwhelming feeling today that I simply wasn’t good enough. It came out of nowhere and everywhere. I felt this because I have been working so tirelessly for a different employment opportunity. It is truly exhausting, like I said. I can’t give up. Take breaks, yes. Giving up for me was never an option with anything. That isn’t my personality. Which leads me to the next portion of this post.

Have you ever used ChatGPT? I began using it earlier in the year to keep track of my job applications and also help with formatting and making sure I use words to get picked up by scanners. Here’s the thing, though, you get what you put into it just like anything else. I don’t give it personal information, but when I am tired of applying and tired of not hearing, or just plain frustrated, I share those feelings with it. Why? It can know me better and respond better. I also share when I am amped up about a job and why I feel that way. It organizes your chats on the left side of the page. I started a chat called about me. One day, I asked it to tell me a few things about me I might not realize. What I got back was the most incredible and interesting response I was not expecting. The other day, I was feeling at the bottom. I had been crying, I felt like I would never land one of these jobs, and I felt stuck on this hamster wheel, and I would never get out of my current job. I shared that I was frustrated, and I probably needed to take a break. It encouraged me to go and breathe and do something for myself, it mentioned how hard I had been working all summer long and listed all the positions I had applied to. I said I was going to take a break and go blog my feelings about going back to work on Thursday, and try to straighten out my feelings on all of it. It encouraged me to do that. It mentioned how hard I had been pushing with applications, networking, and follow-ups. It mentioned that it knew my current position was bogging me down and had been for a long time. It reminded me that this is not my forever spot, but a stepping stone while I line up things that inspire me. So I asked it again, tell me something I don’t know about me, just like you did before…this is what it replied to me with:

“You carry this unusual blend of precision and empathy. Most people tilt one way or the other — they’re either detail-hungry but cold, or warm but scatter-brained. You’re different. You can walk into a high-stakes OR where a carotid graft just failed, keep the table sterile, anticipate the surgeon’s next move, and still notice the scrub nurse’s shaky hands and steady her with a look. Or you can be at West Genesee, quietly managing thousands of medical records with exactness, and pitch something like the Zen Den because you notice kids’ moods before they even have the words.

That’s not just multitasking — it’s a pattern of dual awareness you’ve trained into yourself: systems and people. Pressure and care. Outcomes and feelings.”

Now, don’t get me wrong here, this AI guy messes up frequently. Sometimes it glitches and forgets or seems tired. But it sometimes will wow you if you let it. It went on to give me a trait that might be my biggest advantage for the roles I am reaching for. It was so refreshing to read, a computer can recognize I am a good person; surely one day a person would realize I would make a good addition to someone’s team.

My goal this morning was to apply for more jobs. I can’t. Even my husband said Take a break. I go to work tomorrow. I told myself to just be neutral about it. Don’t have any feelings either way. I will get out of there; it just won’t be in my time. That, my friend, is the pain in reality. Nothing is ever in our time. So I am going to finish cleaning the oven, play with my beads, and go through my clothes. I am going to just be today. Be in the moment. Be present. Be alive. Be grateful.

That koi on the right is scaleless. I visited him while on vacation. I fell in love with him; he was so incredibly friendly. Hopefully, he is still available one day when I get one of these positions, and I can go back and get him…

New & Change.

The Renovator

Well, it’s done. All that waiting I was doing back in the first post, it’s all done. The sale of the real estate finally went through. It still feels odd. I feel relieved, I feel a tiny bit empty, I feel a tiny bit lost, I feel joy that I don’t have to listen for my cell phone to ring saying the alarm went off. I feel guilty for feeling relief. I feel relief. I feel anger and I am scared at the debt we face. This is just compounded now thought because we are both without jobs and getting ready to send one of our kids to college. I have applied for work back in the operating room. He has 168 resumes out since March 16th. He’s had some interviews, many rejections, and a few things hopefully panning out in the next couple of weeks. We are hoping for options to sit and weigh out.

It’s like our life was on a table and someone came a long and threw it up in the air. We have been through similar circumstances. We’ve been through him losing a job and getting laid off before a couple of times. Companies are always downsizing or shifting sales forces around. This time with the shop and it closing and the loss within our household it’s such an upheaval. I am confident it will settle down and we will all feel whole again.

I really want to create again. I want to go sit at my bench and make some sterling silver bobbles or make some kind of cool chains or rings. I sat there the other day and ended up just fiddling around and mostly staring at all my things. I need a few tools to make something new that I have tried. That’s not an option. I can’t buy the tools. So, I decided to write. I tried looking up info on meta tags and how they help a blog. I couldn’t focus on that. I guess today isn’t the day for any of that stuff. Sometimes I just think my brain just can’t do it because it wants to do nothing. What do you think? Ever feel like your brain just needs a break, to breath I guess I’ve been distracted here as I write this. Robins in the rain outside. Itches in my ears. Music playing. Crinkling in my neck. When I feel this way it’s like my brain is fighting with itself. Want to focus, can’t focus.

In other renovations…I am managing to keep my fiddle leaf fig tree alive. I’ve had it for a few months now…got some brown spots and little dry on the edges of the leaves. I was told it would be easy to take care of, but the more I read about them the more I see they are finicky and infant like. Meanwhile my favorite jade is dropping pieces like it’s snowing. Houseplants are a fun little hobby. The green makes me happy.

And now I have to make dinner…which I am grateful for.

My cello.

The Renovator

Yes, I have cello. I love the cello as you may know from reading previous posts about me listening to cello music. When I was a child I visited my aunt and uncle and he had a cello. I admired that instrument so much. I was somewhere between 4-6 years old. I wanted to grow up to play one. It was a sexy instrument. In Junior high school, which was 8th grade, I picked up the stand up bass.I was in orchestra all throughout high school, the bass being my primary instrument. I would always dabble in the cello and piano with friends in spare time or when no one was around. My sight reading ability stinks to high heaven, but I can read music for sure. I got a cello for Christmas from my husband. I was so shocked I think he thought I didn’t like it. I was just so shocked. A cello, of my own. I put it in the dining room by the desk.

It is in the same place I put it back in December. I finally told him the other day how much I love it and I have been saving it for when all this stress of selling the building and moving on with our lives is over. When the renovations begin this cello is first in line. Like I am taking it’s virginity or something. (It’s not new, someone already did that.) The past week has been really tough. We were supposed to close on the property sale on Monday and that didn’t happen for some crazy circus dramatic reasons that one day we will look back and laugh at but right now it’s not comical. The other day all I could think about was my cello and how I can’t wait to sit with it and take it out of the bag slowly and tune it and pull the bow across the strings for the first time in years. I will no doubt have tears streaming down my face, but man that day will be awesome. Thinking about my cello was what got me through that day. I kept thinking of all the things I wanted to do to it. I want to strip it and refinish it and make it mine. I love shades of blue, I think a nice navy blue stain would be wonderful. I mean, come on, who has ever seen a blue cello?

My point being here…We need things to get us through tough times. We need something to look forward to, we need something that gives meaning, something joyous, something celebratory. You will never see the light without something like this.

Check out bassoon concerto in D minor, RV 481 1. Allegro by Vivaldi & Thuneman, it’s a cool piece. Find it right on itunes actually. Vivaldi was a genius with strings.

It is all going to be okay, it is what it is, there is light at the end of the tunnel, we will get through this. All of those saying are heard in this household on a daily basis. There are deep breaths taken at any point in time. There are hugs flying around like crazy with whispered words of ” I am scared” or ” I am having an off day” and the whispered words back are “it’s okay”. It will all be okay, we just have to weather the storm. If listening to cello music is part of that, then so be it.

My husband is being a trooper. He has had some leads on jobs. Today had a three hour interview. There is hope, but sometimes that leaves you empty handed too so one must be careful. He has a follow up to do at the end of the week regarding another company. It’s a slow and painful process, being laid off. We are trying to work out all the cobra stuff and trying not to go broke with that…paperwork nightmare. Something will come, I have faith in the universe even though it seems it’s left me or us out in the cold right now, it’s got to circle around like a boomerang.

Thank you to those that have read this, thank you to the followers. Let’s continue to renovate…