psychology of living

New & Change.

The Renovator

Well, it’s done. All that waiting I was doing back in the first post, it’s all done. The sale of the real estate finally went through. It still feels odd. I feel relieved, I feel a tiny bit empty, I feel a tiny bit lost, I feel joy that I don’t have to listen for my cell phone to ring saying the alarm went off. I feel guilty for feeling relief. I feel relief. I feel anger and I am scared at the debt we face. This is just compounded now thought because we are both without jobs and getting ready to send one of our kids to college. I have applied for work back in the operating room. He has 168 resumes out since March 16th. He’s had some interviews, many rejections, and a few things hopefully panning out in the next couple of weeks. We are hoping for options to sit and weigh out.

It’s like our life was on a table and someone came a long and threw it up in the air. We have been through similar circumstances. We’ve been through him losing a job and getting laid off before a couple of times. Companies are always downsizing or shifting sales forces around. This time with the shop and it closing and the loss within our household it’s such an upheaval. I am confident it will settle down and we will all feel whole again.

I really want to create again. I want to go sit at my bench and make some sterling silver bobbles or make some kind of cool chains or rings. I sat there the other day and ended up just fiddling around and mostly staring at all my things. I need a few tools to make something new that I have tried. That’s not an option. I can’t buy the tools. So, I decided to write. I tried looking up info on meta tags and how they help a blog. I couldn’t focus on that. I guess today isn’t the day for any of that stuff. Sometimes I just think my brain just can’t do it because it wants to do nothing. What do you think? Ever feel like your brain just needs a break, to breath I guess I’ve been distracted here as I write this. Robins in the rain outside. Itches in my ears. Music playing. Crinkling in my neck. When I feel this way it’s like my brain is fighting with itself. Want to focus, can’t focus.

In other renovations…I am managing to keep my fiddle leaf fig tree alive. I’ve had it for a few months now…got some brown spots and little dry on the edges of the leaves. I was told it would be easy to take care of, but the more I read about them the more I see they are finicky and infant like. Meanwhile my favorite jade is dropping pieces like it’s snowing. Houseplants are a fun little hobby. The green makes me happy.

And now I have to make dinner…which I am grateful for.

My cello.

The Renovator

Yes, I have cello. I love the cello as you may know from reading previous posts about me listening to cello music. When I was a child I visited my aunt and uncle and he had a cello. I admired that instrument so much. I was somewhere between 4-6 years old. I wanted to grow up to play one. It was a sexy instrument. In Junior high school, which was 8th grade, I picked up the stand up bass.I was in orchestra all throughout high school, the bass being my primary instrument. I would always dabble in the cello and piano with friends in spare time or when no one was around. My sight reading ability stinks to high heaven, but I can read music for sure. I got a cello for Christmas from my husband. I was so shocked I think he thought I didn’t like it. I was just so shocked. A cello, of my own. I put it in the dining room by the desk.

It is in the same place I put it back in December. I finally told him the other day how much I love it and I have been saving it for when all this stress of selling the building and moving on with our lives is over. When the renovations begin this cello is first in line. Like I am taking it’s virginity or something. (It’s not new, someone already did that.) The past week has been really tough. We were supposed to close on the property sale on Monday and that didn’t happen for some crazy circus dramatic reasons that one day we will look back and laugh at but right now it’s not comical. The other day all I could think about was my cello and how I can’t wait to sit with it and take it out of the bag slowly and tune it and pull the bow across the strings for the first time in years. I will no doubt have tears streaming down my face, but man that day will be awesome. Thinking about my cello was what got me through that day. I kept thinking of all the things I wanted to do to it. I want to strip it and refinish it and make it mine. I love shades of blue, I think a nice navy blue stain would be wonderful. I mean, come on, who has ever seen a blue cello?

My point being here…We need things to get us through tough times. We need something to look forward to, we need something that gives meaning, something joyous, something celebratory. You will never see the light without something like this.

Check out bassoon concerto in D minor, RV 481 1. Allegro by Vivaldi & Thuneman, it’s a cool piece. Find it right on itunes actually. Vivaldi was a genius with strings.

It is all going to be okay, it is what it is, there is light at the end of the tunnel, we will get through this. All of those saying are heard in this household on a daily basis. There are deep breaths taken at any point in time. There are hugs flying around like crazy with whispered words of ” I am scared” or ” I am having an off day” and the whispered words back are “it’s okay”. It will all be okay, we just have to weather the storm. If listening to cello music is part of that, then so be it.

My husband is being a trooper. He has had some leads on jobs. Today had a three hour interview. There is hope, but sometimes that leaves you empty handed too so one must be careful. He has a follow up to do at the end of the week regarding another company. It’s a slow and painful process, being laid off. We are trying to work out all the cobra stuff and trying not to go broke with that…paperwork nightmare. Something will come, I have faith in the universe even though it seems it’s left me or us out in the cold right now, it’s got to circle around like a boomerang.

Thank you to those that have read this, thank you to the followers. Let’s continue to renovate…