What do you do when someone says, “You are beautiful”? Do you take the comment and enjoy it or do you roll your eyes and contemplate if you are worthy of such a comment? Do people tell you that you are beautiful? Today My husband and I were talking and suddenly he said, “You are so beautiful.” This is not the first time by any means that he has said this. He also followed it up with, “I wish you wouldn’t roll your eyes”. I said I tried not to. I told him I am trying to believe his statement but I see all my flaws. He said I don’t see any flaws, you are just beautiful.
Sigh- Why can’t I see what others see? Don’t get me wrong I am not super scared to look in the mirror, and this is something I try to work on daily. Finding things about myself to accept. Finding beauty in myself. I have found parts of myself that I accept, like, and think are pretty. I just wish I could see myself as some others do. Beauty is such a complicated topic.
Beauty on a national or global scale is confusing and demoralizing, that is just my opinion. It’s trying to get better. That are Dove ads that are size inclusive and they also show imperfections in skin. There are many individual people trying to push the envelope with size inclusion. However, for someone born in the 1970’s we were shown skinny perfect bodies in magazines, on shows, and in advertisements. Coupled with one of my parents always telling me my stomach and my butt were always sticking out and I needed to stand up straight, I learned over the course of time to only see my flaws. No one told me I was beautiful or pretty when I was a young girl. It’s such a hard concept sometimes, accepting ourselves.
Fast forward to this day, I am 50 years old. I saw this meme over the summer. It was a black background with these skeletons kind of dancing or standing strangely and the words read, “Imagine spending your whole life trying to be the skinniest person in the room and then you die.” So, I never wanted to be “the skinniest” but I definitely wanted to be smaller. I have felt this most of my life even when I wasn’t large. And I have a feeling most people would say I was never large. I do not want to spend the rest of my life wanting or desiring to be smaller. So that means I need to accept myself how I am and embrace the vessel that my soul lives in or change it to my liking. I have never been able to go and buy a piece of clothing at a store just grab and buy it. I have to try things on, my shoulders are wider, my arms are larger, and my body isn’t shaped like all the clothes are shaped. Maybe sweatpants I could buy off the rack…lol.
So over the past few years, I began following body positivity accounts. They show their skin with stretch marks because they have had children. They show how their arms or legs jiggle because we all have jiggles. They show how their stomach may hang over like a pouch because when you have a baby it changes your body a lot. I had two babies one was almost 10 pounds at birth and the other one was over 10 pounds. Those are like full-size children. That second one looked like I was having twins. I love them both so dearly and I am so proud to have grown them in my body and given them life.
The past few years and all the health issues haven’t helped me accept or have patience with my body at all. I am better but not all the way. At the age of 50 dieting and losing weight is extremely difficult because of all the hormone fluctuations and then pile in some inflammation and my body just wants to be squishy all the time. I know how to eat healthy, I know I need to move at least three times a week and it should be weights and resistance with cardio sprinkled in. I know all of this. I have been working hard in therapy and also on my own with some hypnosis at night. I was a binge eater when stressed. I used to use food to cope with anything. I don’t have the binges like I used to so that is a win. I also do not want to deprive myself all the time of things I might like. Moderation is my motto.
How to accept beauty and compliments…I am not sure but I need to practice and work on it.