It’s been way too long since I have been here to write. Sometimes I just don’t have much to say, sometimes I feel like it is just repetitive, and when that’s the case I just don’t want to say it again. I’ve never been one to not share and encourage others to seek therapy. I am in it and trying hard to heal some things that I have tried to heal for many years. Sometimes you need to find someone different, don’t be afraid to do that. In this situation it’s about you and your journey, find what works for you. Sometimes you need to be challenged to change, grow, or fix yourself.
The past few sessions for me have been eye-opening, shocking, and healing. Lots of tears, fears, and all kinds of feelings. Some interesting words came up in the last visit. “It hurts for nothing.” The words hurt so bad coming out of my mouth that I couldn’t remember them for a moment. The things that I was bringing up were from moments when it did hurt, but it didn’t need to. So, it did hurt for nothing. Sometimes it feels like I dumped everything out on the floor. Sometimes I feel like when I do that I might be losing part of myself. Sometimes I sit in the car and take some deep breaths before pulling away because I feel so wiped out mentally.
How did I feel the day after this? Or for that matter a few days after this? Tuesday there was a period of the day when my skin was buzzing. My ears were ringing louder for a few days. Then by Wednesday evening, I was just as flat as Stanley…you know Flat Stanley from the kid’s books…I was depleted. I was good by Friday but I thought I might be getting sick. Sure enough Saturday night I was questioning it more and Sunday woke with a raging sore throat. Got a bad case of strep per a test on Sunday. So, I didn’t think of it until now, but I wonder if this was my body’s way of 2 things, slowing me down, and kind of purging out the bad? Yeah I know germs are germs and I tend to think in a very abstract way, but was I so depleted that the germs were like…hey we got a chance with this one…Sunday I went to the doctor for a battery of tests and then never moved from the couch for the rest of the day. Monday I stayed home from work to rest and do laundry I didn’t do on Sunday. Today I ran too much after work. And now here we are writing this.
As I came downstairs from showering tonight I had a wild realization that literally stopped me on the stairs. My husband is out of town, my daughter went to sleep at her boyfriend’s as usual, and my son was away at college. It was me and the dogs. It felt a little lonely, a little empty and a little well, just sad. I miss my son so much. I spent some time with him Friday, we had lunch and unpacked the groceries I brought him. Didn’t mention the elephant in the room because I didn’t have enough time to dig deep into that. I just wanted a nice peaceful visit. I wanted him to know he had my attention, that I was listening, that I heard him. He looked even different from when he was home last at Christmas time. Time is so fleeting. Everyone warned me when they were little, ” it will go so fast”. I found it annoying, until my son came along and then I saw it. It was flying. I feel like he grew up in an instant. I feel like I missed it sometimes. No one is perfect, and time moves whether we like it or not, but moments like coming down the stairs and realizing I was the only one home, are the quiet, kind of deafening moments that remind you maybe you did miss things. Maybe I am afraid of losing him too. Definitely have that floating in my back pocket. Just that one day he will grow up and just go, spread his wings like an eagle and never look back. As I sit hear crying, feeling all the feels, I wonder also if it’s perimenopause.
My friend and I have this on going joke that Peri, like a man’s name right, comes when you don’t want him around. He makes a mess of everything, makes our bodies do weird things, makes us cry, makes us angry at nothing, makes us want to eat everything, makes us gain weight, and kills our metabolism. We haven’t found anything good about Peri visiting us, he’s a royal pain. I am however grateful I am 50. I am reasonably healthy and 50 is fine. I like where I am in life, albeit frustrating some days, I like where I am. I wouldn’t want to go back, and I don’t want to wish anything away. We only get one chance that we know of…
I always like to end with good or positive feelings…my hope is for others that it doesn’t hurt at all, but we can all heal from what has hurt us or broken us. Find the light, find the love, and let the wind blow your hair and the sun warm your skin, our time is short on earth soak it all in.