Yesterday was my last day at work until September. It’s like a deep breath for my body and soul. However, I don’t really know why. I am trying to figure that out. I suppose the general environment. Working in a school these days is challenging to say the least. Yesterday my husband and I went on a jeep ride. Just around some back country roads. I like to search for rocks to add to the gardens and edges. I need to fresh air, the sun on my skin. To not think about anything. With the exception of- why is it always a left turn in the jeep! It’s an on going joke, because I hold on so tight and lean towards him…lol. So, we drove past the canal. It’s a lovely drive and view, but when I am near water my brain calculates how far I am from the edge. My first thoughts there were, “oh god, if I were to ever fall in there I would die of the grossness.” I mean the fluffy algae growing is soo gross and it fills the water. It’s like furry green wool in the water glaring at me. Nope. I tried to focus on something else, the trees, the leaves. Water is my favorite and my enemy at the same time. That’s for another post.
The ride was great. Found some rocks to go back and get. I slept in today which was the most wonderful thing. As I set up the table with my breakfast and my computer to begin this post I had this twinge. I should be doing a,b,c or x,y,z. I should be doing those things and not taking this moment for myself. No one is home, no one is making me feel that. I was making myself feel that way. Must work on that. The laundry the vacuuming the whatever will be there an 15 minutes or 40 minutes, it doesn’t matter. Must work on that. I put on youtube with bird videos for cats. A- the cats like it and B- its oddly soothing.
Where have I been? Not here in some time. It’s been busy at work and busy with keeping up with my class and I usually sleep when I come home from work if I don’t have school work to do. The class I am in is heavy and clouding my mind with frustration but I try to do it feel it and let it go. I do what I can. The place I am in right now is to honor my body. It’s both hard and rewarding at the same time. I always feel better but always feel guilty for taking the time for a break. I suppose another must work on. Sometimes I don’t have anything to say too. Odd, I know.
My body is still kind of angry. My feet hurt all the time. Sometimes they wake me up. My hand and elbows hurt. The past three weeks my feet and lower legs were swelling. Unsure as to why. So I have to keep an eye on that. I think I will go have my other bloodwork done this week. I have been taking the natural supplements for about a month now. I can do more, there are parts of me that feel better and for that I am grateful. I have an appointment to take care of my knee and all its issues. The fall in January exacerbated the arthritis I already had. I am hoping this week’s appointment goes well and the injection puts me back to where I was in December and January before I fell. I did find an alternative way to treat that I have to look into and see if it’s covered by insurance. I have hope for all of it. I always have hope. I sit hear and keep glancing at the katsura tree in the front yard. I love its green aqua colored leaves and how it’s always got new growth. I miss the old extra large red maple everyday, but that katsura is teaching me. Everyday there is room for a tiny new leaf. You’ve just got to sit and let it happen. What comes at the tree? The birds, the wildlife, the wind, the rain, the scorching sun. Yet, it stands tall and proud. It moves with the wind instead of against it. It lets the wildlife find refuge. I soaks up the rain and the sun. It resists nothing and from that I am in tears, because that is a huge lesson. Resist nothing, I am pretty sure this was a Buddhist teaching. Just sit with it, let it come in and let it go. Let nothing truly bother you because it will be gone momentarily. Very hard to do in these current times but one of the best times to practice this. So, I take a deep breath. I feel the dog at my feet, I see the tree in the window. I feel the promise of the sun on my skin once i get my arse outside.
Filled some of my bucket last week. I got front row sets to Bastille. It was wonderful. I felt the music in my chest like I mentioned in a previous post. I enjoyed it so much I told everyone I am quitting my job and following them around for the rest of my life. Hahahaha, yeah right. No, really, they played a song that was one they put out during the pandemic as a single. It’s not on any of their albums. I remember listening to it the first time and was thinking ohhhhh noooo you don’t, please do not go down the pop road with yourselves. It has a poppy sound. However Dan introduced the song and I re-though my feelings on it. It’s about a break up but the chorus speaks volumes. “I’m not gonna lie and say I’ve been alright, cuz it feels like I’ve been living upside down” Word- that’s me. Oooooooo Yeah. “What can I say, I’m survivin, crawling out these sheets to see another day”. They are musical geniuses. I love they words they use. This was the song that got me through the past week to and from work. I turned it up LOUD. Filling a bucket for yourself isn’t an easy thing. Although I see other people do it and it looks easy.
Well the cat is currently on the piano face to face with the TV. She wants the birds. good thing she is a skinny cat. This week I also got myself back into my therapist. To sit there and say I was angry and had been angry for some time but I couldn’t figure out why felt so good. It doesn’t even matter, I don’t want to feel that way anymore because that is not how I am. All of this, whatever is going on with my cannot define me. I recen;ty found a version of Springsteen’s Dancin in the Dark by Bastille. I love the line about being tired and bored with myself. It fits like a puzzle piece.
Yard work calls. Sun call. Fresh air calls. And…maybe Marshalls. hahahahaa.