Odd title I know. It’s been a minute, I know. Honestly I haven’t been ok and couldn’t figure out how to fix myself. Another odd thing, I know. Remember waaay back many posts ago when there was music but not the usual music with words, it was too much for my head. I have been trying to medicate with some music, it has actually given me comfort to hear the words again. I still resort to the classical at times but music helps you relate. I decided to turn off the TV this am and write, it was kind of an assignment to journal. Since this is basically my journal, I thought ok…I needed to do better on here anyways.
So I put on an old favorite…Bastille. They have a song called The Weight of Living. Don’t we all feel that at some point? Sometimes it just gets heavy. Not even any one thing. I was trying to pinpoint what brought me to this point yesterday but the doctor I saw was right, I was going to break. I still don’t know why. I laid in bed this am with the rays of sun spilling through the curtains calling my name but I wanted them to go away. I think when it gets heavy it might not be one thing. The conclusion wasn’t there and I don’t even need it really. I wasn’t right. I haven’t been right for a few months and couldn’t put my finger on it. Couldn’t explain it to anyone, couldn’t find the words. Then words entered my ears, “I am taking you out of work”. My soul took the biggest deep breath. For months I felt like I was being bombarded. But, by what? I have no fucking clue. It wasn’t home, it wasn’t work, it wasn’t school, it wasn’t relationships. Life, like the song says, the weight of living. This is a redo, a start over, a detox, a new beginning, a fresh spring. Sounds cheesy…I just got done taking a Human Relations Organizations class. My last paper was about our reactions and how we control them. How we must step back and look at the situation and try to see why the other person is being how they are. If we just automatically react to a situation that is the wrong way to go about things. Somewhere along the past few months I lost my way. I forgot how to do that? No, I think I forgot to apply. I also forgot to apply the old, let that shit go. The odd thing is that I don’t feel like I am carrying anything around, but yet I feel it. Most people would say that is a bunch of hocus pocus. It’s not. So I sit and type, and listen to music and cry and take deep breaths. How am I going to get myself back home? Not my house, I am in it. My home of myself. Slow and steady wins the race, eh…
Today I am grateful for so many things. My weighted blanket is my first thing I am grateful for today. I saw it on the top shelf of my bed last night and it was like I saw an old friend. Funny how pressure can make you feel like breaking but then actually the pressure of something can bring such relief. I made sure my kids got off to work and school and slept more even though the light was burning through the curtains. That blanket was a much needed weight. Let us never forget there is a light. Just like the song says. The second thing I am grateful for it my birdbath. Everyday I begin watching in the sunlight this robin coming for a drink and a bath. He takes such a bath I need to keep adding water. I see the mourning doves wandering, I see the cardinals in the tree. I love them. I look forward to sitting on the patio with all the chickadees , they are the best. The third thing I am grateful for the chance to begin. Everyday, every moment we get the chance to begin again. Sometimes our light gets dimmed, sometimes the flame goes out but the wick is still warm, and we just need a bit of help. Life is too good to feel that way. You can realize that there is a struggle and still cry, you can still curl up in a ball, but you also have to smile, and find the hope and challenge yourself. So here is the renovation, the challenge. It has to be gentle, it has to be thoughtful, it has to feel right.
Everything will be fine, let that shit go, focus on yourself. That stuff is really hard for a woman, mother, wife, hard worker to do. I thought I was doing a good job at self care, but looking now, I was just going. The days blended into the nights, to the point I didn’t want to get out of bed. I could cry at the drop of an anything. I was just going. It is a horrible feeling, I felt it once before but in a different way. What would the world be like if we all had a little bit of tenderness for each other? I think of the strangest things…but I wonder. Imagine if we all thought about the “next person”, or tried making life easier for each other…
Promise yourself, that you will take care of you. Promise yourself that you will be grateful, promise yourself you will be ok so you can be there for the people that matter. Promise yourself you are worth being ok. Promise yourself not to be too hard on you. Promise yourself to see all the good, to be the good, to find the positive. Promise yourself to be curious and try new things. Promise yourself to find your inner Ted Lasso, your inner Kathleen, your inner peace, your inner light. Promise yourself you will be back.
Resilience has two meanings but basically the same thing…to recover quickly or be tough, and the ability to spring back into shape. I guess we can look at it this way…even a tree needs a break? It loses it leaves and goes silent. The tulips bloom and go silent. The animals in the forest go silent. I am going silent to my surroundings for a bit. Not here, I need this. I am unplugging to plug in? I am unplugging form what is not important. We all need silence sometimes form ourselves as well as things around us. There is a line in Bastille song, ” New melodies rise up with the sun”, how much more truth can we get….I leave here with a Ted Lasso quote ( if you haven’t watched Ted, go, run, do it. It should be required by all humans)
“You know what the happiest animal on Earth is? It’s a goldfish. You know why? It’s got a 10-second memory.”
Be a goldfish.
What will your renovation be today?