You’re probably thinking- wow she is going deep from her last post about gratitude. I saw some things this week (and yep, it’s only Wednesday, lol), but they stood out and resonated with me. When I say resonated, I mean like I stopped in my tracks, took deep breaths, had a pondering look on my face, I am sure. They made my body feel an almost vibration or energy. Let’s tackle the anger one first.
Anger has been a topic in therapy for a bit. It seems to come in waves for me. The past month or so, I have been having quiet anger. Muttering to myself about stupid shit that isn’t working for me or frustrates me. Quiet anger is the name I gave it. Because no one around me really knows I am angry. I keep it to myself. I also decided that this is definitely not good. Probably more damaging than letting it out. I was told to let it out, don’t get me wrong…I take it out on the couch pillow that the dog lies on while looking out the window. It ends up all saggy, and then I beat it up. All the while muttering about the couch and how much I miss the old leather one…So I get the post flash across me Monday…
Healing will make you angry….rage lives below survival…rage builds when you realize how much of your life was shaped by someone else’s dysfunction…how your personality is a byproduct of having to survive chaos…your choices were coping mechanisms disguised as decisions…when you finally feel it…when you finally see it…it’s not pretty. Anger is clarity, it’s boundaries, it’s the nervous system screaming that it’s not safe yet….let yourself feel this- because it’s not the end of healing, sometimes it’s the beginning….
Then I came across this poignant post about healing. How so? Because it can be a constant battle between your inner child, who is scared and always wants to be safe. Then, your inner teenager who is angry and just craves justice, and then yourself right now- who is tired and just needs peace. The latter is me, I am doing parts work in therapy, it’s quite interesting. However, don’t think this comes with ease, reaching deep into these parts and trying to find how they affect me now and how I can become their mother and give them what they need. You bet that brings anger. Sometimes the parts work comes with crying all the way home from therapy. Sometimes it comes with being silent for a few days. One deep dive day I realized I was never going to get my master’s and become a licensed mental health counselor. I did not want to go to deep places like this with other people. So, it does kind of suck because that was my goal all along…But I walked away that day firm in my decision. I love people, and I love listening to them talk. I love hearing their stories. So I think from the past few paragraphs, the takeaway is that anger and healing are friends. They go hand in hand for sure.
How about the overthinking…who is reading this is an overthinker? Come on, raise your hand high and proud, we are a special kind of club. The kind that gets a few thoughts in our cute little heads and then all of a sudden it’s a tornado at a zoo with buses of kids running around and all the animals got out of their cages. You get my analogy right…it just spirals out of control in that brain sometimes…so, this actually was beautiful and I can’t wait to draw something that goes along with these words…
From: Art of Poets in Instagram:
“In English we say:
“Overthinking.”
But- in Poerty, we say:
“The storms in my head ruined the garden that my soul holds.”
Stay tuned for a drawing or a painting…(I will warn, it could take months.)