The other day when I was driving I was thankful for the ability to feel things in different way. No, I am not talking about emotions. The instance I was feeling something that made this come to mind I was driving. I turned the corner and stepped on the gas. I felt my back press against the seat of the car, I rested my head on the head rest and watched the road disappear under my car. I could feel the pressure of the car moving along. this made me think of the times I have flown. My favorite part of flying is the cusp when the plane is off the ground and is climbing to reach the altitude to flatten out and we are pushed back against our seats. You really can’t resist it. You have to surrender to the feeling. You have to agree to feel it, there is no other way. It’s been raining here, which is fine that means I don’t have to water the gardens. I love the smell of the rain, the fresh earthy smell. I love the gray days when it rains. I love the feeling of the rain on my skin, it feels silky yet sometimes stings. I have to find these little things that have meaning because those are important. I need to be grateful for these things that make me feel human. These actually help me deal with the feelings I am having. Now we are talking about emotions. So, the last post mentioned a health diagnosis. Bloodwork and more needed bloodwork, being sick for months before getting an answer. Wanting to not be in my own body because it seems angry. All of this. I was in all these stages, frustration, sadness, confusion, and anger. I have been stuck in anger for a bit. I have little patience some days. For myself and others. Honestly though, what the fuck am I am I mad at? I cam here today to write it all down and hopefully move upwards. Acknowledge it, acknowledge my feelings and move forward.
Back at the end of January I was going out the door to my car to go to work. I leave at like 645 am and it’s dark. I didn’t realize I was approaching ice in the driveway. I wasn’t in a hurry, I was just walking to my car. Then…there goes my feet…I can feel myself losing balance and slipping, my brain switches on to help me orientate my body, it lasted all of 3 seconds probably but seems like IK was falling for like a good five minutes. It was like the cartoons where they play the whoop whoop whoop noise and the characters feet just keep slipping…I didn’t want to hurt my knee that has arthritis in it because It had been doing wonderful. I didn’t want to injure my hip from an old car accident. I braced my self, extra extra hard. If I have one piece of advice to give you, do not do that. I should have stayed home that day, I went to work, I ended up coming home. I felt like a train hit me. For a few days. Then I tried nursing my knee with my meds and ice and gel and cbd oil. Finally in March I couldn’t take it anymore, nothing was helping. I had an xray and a cortisone shot. That lessened it but not like it typically does. However, I started not feeling well a month before. I was not feeling well in February. I was feeling sluggish and tired and achy. I remember thinking do I have a sinus infection? It burned to breathe in. I felt like the inside of my head was on fire. So, I thought I went to urgent care for this, but I did go to the dr. Got me an antibiotic and away I went. February…March, shot. Apirl…feeling gross. Feel sick. I am tired, I hurt all over, the hurt goes from joints to muscles and circles around. I hadn’t been sleeping well at all during these months. I didn’t get any answers form the GYN when I explained how I was feeling, I didn’t get any answers from my doctor when I had to get bloodwork for my reversed diabetes. Instead I got more medication since my c-peptide was elevated, but not my A1C. NO other bloodwork. I kept thinking this whole time ( since February) it was peri-menopause, because my cycle was off and different. In April I was feeling so terrible I began to look for a functional medical person. Something was wrong with me, I could see it in the mirror. I would put my make up on in the mornings and sometimes begin to cry because my eyes didn’t look right. I looked fucking tired. My skin did not look resilient. It looked flat, I felt flat. I wanted to stay in bed when the alarm would go off. By the time the month of April came around I was so angry, what was wrong with me. Why wasn’t anyone listening to me. I also wasn’t my perky annoying self, I had zero energy, I typically raise raucous if people don’t listen. I didn’t have it in me. So I searched for someone who could tie all the pieces together, because we are human and we have systems that work together not individually. Our body is a fine tuned machine and when one thing goes out of gear it can trigger a bunch of other things.
In April I found an office that has an Integrative/ Functional medical Nurse Practitioner. I could get an appointment but not for a month or more. BUT…someone cancelled and they called me. The Universe was listening, all those mornings I would open the bathroom window when getting ready for work I would take a deep breath and let it out the window…pulling the air into myself, letting the feelings of being sick escape my mouth and go out into the atmosphere. I got in at the end of April. Went for a shit ton of blood tests. Holy moly…was I about to find out some wild information about my body.
One of the tests would take up to two weeks. That was a long wait, but what the hell, I’d been sick for months at this point anyways…I had reactivated EBV, I had low estrogen and high progesterone and testosterone. I have trouble with my adrenal function, like almost none. YIKES. So, I wasn’t losing my mind, I really was sick. I felt relief. There is no pill for this, there is no special treatment, although people have ozone treatments and that sounds freakishly scary. Apparently the ozone kills the EBV. My directives were nine days off from work and do nothing but sleep/ rest. I am a woman, mother, wife, do-er, get shit done person. This basically pulled the rug out form under me. I was being forced to take a deep look at what was important to me, and what fills my cup. I was being told to focus on myself. The ohnly time I focused on myself was back when we were removed from work in early 2020 for Covid. I was diagnosed with diabetes so I had time to focus on myself. I worked out, I changed my diet and I decided to go back to school at the end of 2020. I lost almost 50 pounds back then. I was proud of myself. I felt good. I liked my body. 2021 began school, I didn’t have a lot of time to work out, I stuck to my way of eating for the most part. I walked the dogs almost everyday with my husband about 2 miles. At the end of 2021, like the fall time…I felt my cycle shifting. I began to gain weight. Gotta remind you my knee at the end of 2021 was FABULOUS! I hadn’t seen ,y knee look that good in so long. I had a new med, it worked great. I was squatting! I hadn’t squatted in years! I could squat and get back up. It was a Christmas miracle were the exact words I sent to the doctor in my portal. Then we are back to the end of January.
So, today…I have been taking some all natural supplements to help curb the EBV. I stimulate my Thalamus daily by tapping on it. I rest, somedays coming right home to bed after work for one to two hours. I hate that, but I need to listen to my body so this doesn’t move further into something else like an autoimmune disease. Yesterday I kept thinking about how angry I am. By the end of the day I was like why and what am I angry at? My body? But it gave me signs to seek help. I told me to keep trying.
The headaches are much less than they used to be. The nausea is much less that it used to be. Thank god, those were rough. I caught a cold a week ago and feel like poo. I notice the past two weeks my feet don’t look right. My toes look angry. Well, if they look angry I guess I need to stop being angry…no really… They are swollen, and sometimes red. My feet hurt. They hurt like those days I would be stuck working in the OR for 12 hours. The weighted blanket feels good one them, but something more heavy would feel better, a cement block maybe. I am not sure what’s going on with them. I try my best to not worry and remind myself daily I was sick for awhile it’s going to take a bit to return to myself. The only way to return to myself is to take care of myself. No one else can do this for me.
The class I am in now is over my head. It’s my second statistics class and it’s killing my brain cells. I am heading into week five of eight weeks. I have resided to just passing the class. I have a 4.0 average, so this class will no doubt bring it down unless I maintain an A. I currently have an A in the class one project I got an F on. The whole thing is not ideal, but life isn’t ideal now is it…sometimes things are hard, sometimes things suck, or suck the life out of us. We must find gratitude to get through it. I am grateful for the ability to go back to school and the people that support me and inspire me to do so. So, I simply do the best I can. I need to get a D to pass. That sounds terrible, but I am ok with it, mostly. I keep doing the drop in tutor for help with the graphing and feel like I am bullshitting my way through the writing. It doesn’t matter, the only thing that matters to get through it and pass. I can do it. Every time I log on, I tell myself, you got this, it’s going to be okay. See, EBV can affect your cognition. I could feel that back in March and April. I can feel it now a lot somedays. It’s frustrating. Be your own cheerleader…you got this.
Today I am going to try to get my nails done. I might wash my car, but it’s still raining. I recall when I worked in the OR walking down the corridor to the big window to see the weather one day. It was by the dictation phones. There was a doctor finishing up there and I was just looking out the window. He asked what I was looking at. I said just the rain. I love rainy days. It was spring time probably April or May. He said, really you like rainy days? So do I. I said they are just pretty, he thought there was a sadness about them, I said no, they just give everything a break, a time to breathe, a time to look within, a time to appreciate the sunny days. We stood there looking out across the parking lot, watching the rain hit the windows, looking at the puddles and the green abounding in the background. Told each other to have a good day and went on. I like rainy days. Sun is great and it warms the soul, but to me rain is a cleanser and promotes growth and thought. It seems to make us slow down. So, today since my family is out and about, I will do things that fill my bucket. I will take my time, I will rest and I will try so hard not be be angry. It’s toxic and I need to stop. Today will be better. Today will be kind and feel good. I will probably start a crochet project later today, I just want decide which one I want to start.
Here’s to recognition, gratitude, the universe, and our intuition. I will try to take some photos of the gardens that bring me joy and share them here. Other eyes must see the beauty I see.
Be kind to yourselves, be kind to others, this world needs it right now.