These two words have been popping into my head all week, no wait, for like two weeks. Grace, what exactly is it? So many people talk about it and suggest to have it or give it. It is well defined by Merriam Webster. There are a few meanings. The first one is worded so well, “unmerited divine assistance given to humans for their regeneration or sanctification.” I regenerate all the time, so grace is like a reward for doing that or it just happens?
Let’s see what Merriam says about gratitude…it’s literally- “THANKFULNESS”. Pure and simple. Seems more simple than grace. I feel like grace is forgiveness and love and kindness all rolled into one big blunt. Smoke that for a minute. You can have it for others and yourself, although we will find it difficult to have for either sometimes.
The past two weeks have been full of emotion here. Hubs sent out over 225 resumes in the past fourish weeks. I’ve been applying for things all over the map. All kinds of admin assistants at a college I would love to also take classes at. At a call center for emergencies. I went out on a big limb and applied for a welding and metal finishing job. 😂 Really though, I’d kick some serious butt at that. Friday I’ve got myself and interview for work in the local high school library. The last interview I had was about 21 years ago. I’m beyond nervous and for what and why I don’t even know. Mostly they are going to ask about me, why do I want to work there, the old tell me about yourself, what’s your greatest accomplishment. Yikes, stop, I can’t. Feeling not worthy I guess or like I have nothing to offer. Hubs is standing there saying you’ve got a lot to offer and I’m proud of you but I can’t feel that about myself and I need to get it together before Friday at nine am.
Went looking for an outfit to wear. That was too stressful to look and overwhelming. I have a few things in the closet that will work. I’m a little worried about my tattoos but then the voice comes in my head saying “stop it, that’s you and means nothing other than you have tattoos”. I have a big Buddha charm that I’ve been meaning to make a long necklace for. So I trotted off the the craft store to give this creating thing the old college try. I got myself some beads and some silk thread stuff and beading needles and I’m going to make a bobble for Friday. Here’s hoping.
Hubs got a job offer this week! He took it and will continue to look for something that is more ideal and makes him happy and has room for growth. He’s got more interviews this week and I’m getting more comfortable with the thoughts of the library. I miss working with the teenagers, something I never thought I’d say.
So, grace and gratitude has been my theme and apparently it rained in a little. Anything with the closed business is on the back burner until we are employed. Annoying but you can’t commit to payments if you don’t have income. Maybe some more grace and some guidance will fall through during this waiting period. Ahhh and we bring it back to the first post about waiting. Four months later I’m in a very different spot. Is it better, is it worse, I’m not even sure. Sometimes I am just numb.
Let’s try to feel more. Let’s try to look deeply inside and find little things that bring joy and make us feel good. Let’s try smiling more. Even if it’s painful, you’ve got to try. Breathe in and breathe out and be grateful for that. Now that’s a good start.